Boredom has caused this

Since this is annoying...

2011-03-13T21:03:00.001-07:00

Melissa's random, r'tard thoughts have now moved to Tumblr. Find me sons.

http://melushkasblog.tumblr.com/
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"WORD" of the day: ....they say love and insanity are somewhat related....

2011-03-03T20:33:00.000-08:00

My boy Ne-Yo and my dude Fab bring you this lovely little diddy for all you crazy kids in love/like aka the time of acting like a r'tard. Happens to us all. Song is kinda old but I just recently started listening to it, so shadup.

...jumped in a wishing well/now wish me well....

2011-03-03T20:03:00.000-08:00

While I do love all types of music, it's no secret that down-home, country, gravy soaked tunes are my favoritos. I grew up in a house full of pure Whitney Houston, Motown, Juan-Gabriel, Lisa Lisa, The Doors and Rolling Stones genre loving people, so I'm not sure when and how this happened, but it happened.
While this song has been out for a minute, whenever I hear it , it's like the first time all over again. Yep, the "dammmmm son,hot dawg, this shiz is the truuuf" feeling. Or maybe that's just me.

Corn of the day

2011-03-03T19:55:00.000-08:00

If you know me, know me, really know me, you know that I have a thing for sappy love songs. If you don't know me, well, now you know something about me. Anywhoo, I love this dude and this is def my favorite song off of his album. If you don't have it, get it. NOW. Like right now.

Family Affair

2011-02-28T20:14:00.000-08:00

I learned a few days ago that my four year old cousin is into Dragonette. She may be following in my footsteps as being the most random gal out here.This is def her favorite.

Beam me up Scotty

2011-02-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

Sweet song, good video, cute dude, now if we could only do something about those glasses....

Just 'cause

2011-02-28T19:51:00.000-08:00

I love this song and im diggin this image, so if anyone can get me this imagine in picture format to frame, holla at a girl.

And the first winner of the "Truuuuue Truuuue Melissa voice" Award goes to....

2011-02-23T16:32:00.000-08:00

Whoever retweeted this on Twitter (yep, shout out to you Mr.Mrs Tweetnonymous, because I forgot who it was):

"Whatevers meant to be will be and that shit will be however it may be"

Yep. Not gonna lie, I read it really quick and I'm sure my face had "say whaaaa?" written all over it, but I got it....afterwards. If somethings meant to happen kids, it will happen. Whether it be related to a job, friends, "friends" or whatever.
Now, this doesn't mean to just sit back and chill and just see if stuff happens, but if you try and try and don't succeed, then it just means it wasn't meant to be-->(Melissa's mix tape of Dr Suess-esque raps dropping soon)

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This song

2011-02-23T04:11:00.000-08:00

Song came on my Ipod yesterday and I totally forgot about it. Brings back some memories. P.S Mario, whered ya go?

Tell 'em why you mad son...or don't

2011-02-22T06:03:00.003-08:00

I'm not really one to get mad at people and when I do, ya dun done something sheisty, in my eyes at least. This came up in conversation the other day and debate on what's the best way to deal with your annoyance with someone.
I, personally, choose to ignore and cut contact with a person for a period of time, as opposed to lashing out on the person or letting them know why I'm upset. Dumb? Maybe, but that's just how I do. (Unless you are a repeat offender, then I'll be sending you a nice, loooooooong e-mail) If you're a person that I speak to frequently and one day I just stop reaching out to you,or if you contact me and I give you two word answers, odds are, momma's not a happy camper.
Others say, its best to just tell 'em why you mad son. Just tell 'em.

Topic is open for discussion. All opinions of the non-psycho, non in need of anger management are welcome.
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He's heeeeere

2011-02-22T06:03:00.001-08:00

and I still hate your team. The Knicks could put Lebron, Wade, Howard, CP3, Rose, Kobe,Melo, Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy and Jesus himself all on one team and I still would not like them.
Good player tho and while a bit too thuggish for my taste, he aint too harsh on the eyes. I know, its about the game, bla bla.

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Too much to ask? Apparently so

2011-02-04T06:09:00.000-08:00

Every so often, my friends get on a "let's find the mac to Melissa's cheese" kick and for the first time in a long time, I'm all for it. Blame it on the...not sure, but we'll find something, I'm sure. While this may seem like an easy task, according to them, its quite a difficult one.
Physically, the "Melissa" types are all over the place. Personality wise, I think they are out there, but others beg to differ. So here's what The Ferm wants ( Forget Chili):

A non-flashy, retardedly funny, simple, normal dude who's like me, but a bit different. Oh, and one who's got enough class for wine, but can handle Patron. Again, just like me. (Aahhhha...kidding. Oh Fab and his one liners)
According to friends and acquaintances, this type of dude, in this city, is the hardest to find. I mean, really.
Well, the task is on, and we'll see how this mission ends. In the meantime, I guess you can tune into VH1 and keep watching Chili be the pickiest mofo this side of the Mississippi. That's a whole 'nother post. Don't get me started.
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Aaaand this song....

2011-01-31T20:54:00.000-08:00

Mannnnnn ooohhhhh mannnnn, this was my jam. Say what you want, but Keith Sweat and his 2 songs were the shieett. Seriously.

And this song...

2011-01-31T20:44:00.000-08:00

Was my first introduction to Young Jeezy. I remember it just like it was yesterday. Prive, Miami, Labor Day Weekend 2005. BEST. WEEKEND. EVER. EVER. EVER. This song was just the icing on the cake of fabulousness. Ah, love at first listen.

This song....

2011-01-31T20:30:00.001-08:00

Can make even the hardest of hearts turn to mush. Yes, it's in me.

'Cause your Famous boy....

2011-01-19T05:46:00.003-08:00

Here's the story:
I have a friend, we'll call her....friend. Friend has a "friend" who she used to "talk" to (good ol' HS term) but does not "talk" to anymore, yet they still occassionally talk. (If you're smart, you got that, if not, go ask the person who did) Now, while friend has made some progress, a bit of the crush on her "friend" still remains. This past weekend, friend learned that her "friend" has reunited with an old "friend", prompting friend to hit a speedbump in her " ffffkkk that ninja" road to recovery. Oh, friend :/. Friend's friends and un-biased parties have told friend to ignore her "friends" conversations, but friend would rather her "friend" think that all is peachy-keen so she chooses to not ignore her "friend".
The moral of this rambling is: nobody listens, so save the advice. Friend was told from the very beginning of her "friendship" with "friend" that no good was going to come from it, yet friend went ahead and is now in a fried pickle (most amazing food ever, anywhoo). For some reason when it comes to relations with the opposite sex, even the smartest of people get stuck on damn stupid. Sad life.
If you have a friend like friend, or are friend, the only advice I can give to you is: nothing. Absolutely nothing. No matter what anyone tells you, nothing will help until you get over it. I know, I can really give Dr. Phil a run for his money.
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Party, party, let's all get....where is my purse?

2011-01-19T05:46:00.001-08:00

This past weekend, I was not so sober for two days in a row and from what I was told and from what I remember, I realized that I am "That" girl. Who is "that" girl? Well, I'm glad you asked. "That" girl is:

-that girl who, every song that comes on, is HER song.
-that girl who enters her own dance world and thinks she's got the skills of Janet Jackson
-that girl who loses at least one belonging during her unsoberness
-that girl who you just have to look at and she starts cracking up. Well, I think I do that sober too.
And worst of all :
-that girl who loves everyone. You'll never hear me tell you that you are my most favorite friend in the whole wide world unless I've had some a few glasses of the devil juice in me.

Now, I've been going out for the past seven years and have gotten drunk before and yes, I am just now realizing this. While I think this is all eff em el status, many of you have gotten much amusement out of seeing me in this state, so I guess its okay. Just please, all pictures and videos must be ran by me first. Please.
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Out with the old, in with the new

2010-12-27T17:24:00.001-08:00

Ah, what a year in the life of me. If I listed all the things that I've learned this past year along with all the things that have happened,this post would prob go down in the Guiness Book of Records as the longest post in history and who has time to read all that?

This past year I went thru a lot of FML's, made friends, lost "friends", reunited with old ones, learned things about myself, learned things about others, left a job, got a new one and went thru some stuff in between. Exhausting year physically and emotionally. The biggest lesson this year may have taught me (and I'm going to get serious for a second) was to take chances and not fall into the trap of regret.

Whether its in matters of things having to do with money, friends, love, "love", new ventures,just go for it kids. Things may not always turn out the way you'd like but, like my mom always says "You'll never know if you don't try" (yes, took me 27 years to listen to this). If you what you end up knowing makes you want to risk lead poisoning and stab a pencil into your big toe, just take it as a lesson learned and keep it moving.

And that was that for the gayest post of all time. Hoppy New Jear :)

Good-bye Flow

2010-12-27T16:58:00.001-08:00

2010 was definitely the year of the annoying catch phrases and words. Well, annoying to me. Listed below are a few words and phrases that I would prefer not to see on my timeline or FB feed:

-Flow ie gym flow, city flow, aquarium flow-Stop it. Unless you are a girl and you're talking about your you know what flow. Actually, no, you shouldn't be sharing news about that flow on any social network.
-Zoo- unless you're actually going to the zoo
-Movie-unless you're actually going to see a movie
-putting "tho/though" after everything you say, especially when it makes no sense. ie "The Knicks tho", "this snow tho", "My iguana tho"-Stop it.

-Posting "rise and grind" every morning-unless you work at Dunkin Donuts and are literally rising and then grinding some coffee beans

and last, but most certainly not least:

-asking people if they are fancy..huh?-unless...unless nothin

So, my friends, please start fresh this upcoming year and find some new words and phrases to exhaust. Weezy's back, I'm sure you'll find plenty.

Tick, Tock

2010-12-27T16:50:00.000-08:00

I came across this article the other day while reading "Glamour" (see, I read) and was pretty interested to see what tips they gave on how to get over that dude that you just can't seem to shake off, no matter how bad you'd like to. Yes, we've all been there and if you say you haven't, you.are.a.fibber. Basically it went like this (all my own interpretation of course):

-thou shall not contact the dude via social networks, texting, phone, e-mail, skype, Ichat, FB chat, telegrams, walkie talkies, nada. If the dude contacts you, you do not reply. Ever. Good.

-thou shall delete dude from all social networks. This means removing contact from phone, FB, Twitter, Kik (oh yeah you can't do that..that shit is basura). Basically removing the dude so that you won't be tempted to look at his page and see what he's up to. Good.

-thou shall not be in denial of the lingering of feelings for the dude. According to the article, whatever kind of relationship you had with the dude, whether he was your eff buddy who you caught feelings for or your bf of 79 years, throwing out the "I'm fine, who cares" attitude is the first step. Yes, good.

-thou shall avoid places that may bring possible contact with the dude. Yes, good.

While all these tips seem helpful, my opinion (you want to know? Yes, great): this is all a bunch of bollocks. If you're anything like me (which I know I'm a unique case, but there are many folk out there who share my...special thoughts) you'll know that deleting a person or ignoring them if they contact you doesn't really help all that much.

Its like a mosquito bite. Just because you put some ointment on and cover it with a band-aid doesn't mean you still can't see it and feel that bite from Satan's creature itching like all holy hell and no matter how much someone tells you not to scratch it, you're gonna do it anyway until you realize that it's not such a smart idea and...in time, it goes away.

So, the moral of all this (because like those stories from Greek philosophers, my posts all have a moral):
The only thing that helps kids is time. Time, time, time. No matter what anyone tells you, Papa Time is really the only one that can help you out. Also, always keep in mind the words from one of the wisest men on the planet :"On to the next one". Yes.
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Question of the Day?

2010-12-08T15:51:00.001-08:00

There's a girl, we'll call her, M...lalalala. Then there's a boy, we'll call him, D...lalalalala. D...lalalalalala, has been asking M....lalalala to go out for the past 3 months and she has declined each time. Why? Because she's just not interested. While a nice and handsome young man, there's something about D...lalalalala that she just gets a bad vibe from and M.....lalalalala is usually 99.9% right about these things. (Dam that 1% to all bloody, firey hell)M..lalalala has told D...lalalala that she is not interested, yet he keeps asking. At first, the persistance was flattering, but now, its just annoying.
Fellas, if you ask a girl out once and she says no because she..has to wash her hair, fine ask once more. If you ask again and she's still washing her hair, either she has really dirty hair or she's not interested. If this is the case...STOP. Also, if a girl tells you she is not interested that doesn't mean: "please keep contacting me until I change my mind". It means:"I'm not interested".
So the question, actually questions, of the day are: "When does persistance cross the border into Your Annoying the Hell Out of Me town?" and the never answered :"Why is that the dudes you want to stalk your whole life on the boardwalk don't and the unwanted do?" Ah life.
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If my Ipod could talk....

2010-12-06T20:27:00.000-08:00

It would say "where've ya been chick?" I used to be that friend who when you asked if they had heard a song before, regardless of the genre of music, I'd give you a "duh, mad late son". Now the "duh, mad late"s are being given to me aaaand I don't like it. :crosses arms and pouts a la Melissa circa 1988:
Well, I gots me a new computer (yes, again) which no longer moves at a glacial pace, so let my music search Sundays resume. Besides the new Cudi and Kanye (which, if my Ipod could speak, itd prob say...alright enough of these two) I finally downloaded the semi-new Cee-lo and am in love. Well, with the songs, not him.
Album is full of lovey-dovey/why'd you break my achy-breaky heart/eff you tunes we can all relate too, but without the barf factor. Perfect for someone who fronts on their inner mushiness. I don't know anyone like that....

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I mean....really

2010-12-02T10:42:00.003-08:00

I don't want the real thing because, well, he belongs to Rihanna and dating an athlete really doesn't seem to work out too well for girls. However, anything looking like the real thing would suffice. Sigh.
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#Isityou

2010-12-02T10:42:00.001-08:00

For some reason there has been a lot of "f*ckkkk that n*ggaaaa"(The Dream voice) activity going on on my timeline. Don't know what it is. Maybe its the change in weather that's got people buggin'. Who knows.
Most of you know that I'm not one for the public male bashing because, well, it just makes you look stupid and we know I'm all about the poker face. Have I ever felt the urge to bad mouth a dude on Twitter or FB just to air it out? Have I ever felt like replying "shut the eff up" instead of "lol" to a Tweet or comment? Of course. But, I prefer to keep the "You are the Captain of all Dweebs" comments in my head because, well just because.
While it's obvious and true that there are a lot of dudes who do eff'd up things, I find it funny how girls always point the finger at the guys. Sometimes it's not them, it's you. Not all the time, but sometimes.
Whenever something goes wrong, a real evaluation needs to be done. And by evaluation, I mean you evaluating yourself, not your homegirls telling you "gurl that n*igga aint shit anyway, you needs you a real man". That does not count. Altho, those comments do help to hear sometimes. Sometimes. Key word in this post is: sometimes (AHHHHHHH! Okay, I'm done).
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Old People Say the Darndest Things

2010-12-02T10:36:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was standing in line at a deli, in my usual Starvin like my dude state, when this old women stood next to me and just flat out said:

"Young women should not carry torches for young men who do not give two shakes about them"

We know I'm slow with these things, so I didn't really think about it until now. Now, I'm not really one for signs and all that bologna (mmm bologna..anyway...) but, it was kind of odd that out of ALL the women in the deli, she would say that to me. Maybe she was the Amazing Kreskin's long lost sista. Or not.

Point of all this, lady really knows what she's talking about. When a dude or girl (fellas) shows you that he/she is no longer interested in you, there is no point in hanging on to any type of feelings that remain. Yes, its a lot easier said then done, trust me, I know, but burn the torch out kids. Burn.that.bitch.

I promise that I too will be taking the Amazing Kreskquesha's advice. Really.

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@melisnis12 has muted you until...probably forever

2010-11-24T06:10:00.001-08:00

I used to have a love/hate relationship with Twitter. This was before the "mute" option. Now, I got nothin' but love for ya baby. Whoever decided to come up with this option needs a raise, a high-five, a trip to Disney World and a "way to go champ" because they are a genius.
The mute option is great for someone like me. Someone who doesn't want to completely remove a person from their list in order to prevent offending anyone or because you may run into one of these people and it will just make things awkward and that's just not fun.
I follow about 80 people on Twitter and have muted 4 of them for the following reasons:

- The first person RTs everything and anything that others say to them. I get the RT if someone says something funny or interesintg or a "I wish I wouldve came up with that" and you have to share it with everyone. Fine. But if someone's wishing you a good morning or asking if you're going out tonight, there is no need to RT, because....pssst noone cares. This person is muted forever.
-The second person, if there was an award for Tweeting the most in 10 minutes, this person would win it and if Twitter ever came up with a system to limit how much a person can Tweet, itd be because of this person. I have at times, contemplated e-mailing this person's boss and advising them to cut off all internet connection in the office, because of this person. Seriously. This person is muted forever.
-The third person, I just would rather not see what this person is up to and have them not exist on Twitter until January 1, 2011. Or something like that. No questions, please.
-The fourth person has so many grammatical errors on his/her tweets that it makes me want to send a set of Hooked on Phonics to his/her home. We all know how I feel about spelling and grammar. This person is muted forever.

So if you have someone in your Twitter life who annoys the bejeezus out of you, yet you don't have the heart to unfollow them (because you'd basically be letting them know that they annoy the bejezzus out of you)....mute. Mute,mute,mute. Trust me, you'll feel better.
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Grassy Ass

2010-11-22T20:46:00.000-08:00

Since Thanksgiving is coming up, it got me thinking of the things that I'm really thankful for. Despite the hail stones of FMLs that rain down on me from time to time, I do have many things to be thankful for. :clearing throat: So, I am thankful for- the following:

-red velvet cupcakes
-Jay-Z
-Netflix
-America's Funniest Videos
-strange people on the subway..and in the street...and pretty much everywhere
-bad dancers
-yourmomisclubbin.tumblr.com
-80's comedies
-leggings
-burgers
- the southern region of the United States
-BBM, text, e-mail and every other form of communication that doesn't require me to speak on the phone
-BBQs
-theybf.com
-the change at the bottom of my purse
-vodka and Sprites
-my bed
-the Ipod
-the term FML
-having a washer and dryer in my house
-the "mute" user button on Twitter
-the "hide" friend button on Facebook

aaaaaand....all of you :) Aw. Buuuut seriously, there is much more to add to that list above, but itd prob lead to a list similar to that of...a really long one. I am however, truly thankful for my family, my friends and anyone else who brings joy to my life. Yes Young Jeezy, that means you too. Sigh
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"... glow of electric sex gleaming in the window..."

2010-11-22T20:06:00.001-08:00

Yes, its one of my favorite movies of all time and yes, if I had my own place, this would totally be decorating it.
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'Bout Time

2010-11-22T05:06:00.000-08:00

Album is full of dopeness. Get it, listen, love it.
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Kill me

2010-11-21T21:02:00.000-08:00

Rummaging through old award's videos (you know, when they used to be decent), I found this and remember how excited I was to watch it. Now you can judge me.

Finally...

2010-11-21T20:23:00.000-08:00

A movie worth going to see.

"We're going to die..we are all going to die"

2010-11-10T06:11:00.000-08:00

If you don't know what movie that's from, don't talk to me. Just kidding. In conversation with a friend the other night, the topic of a "Bucket List" came about. Kind of morbid, but life is short kids and you never know when its going to be that time for the lawd to come and kidnap you. I'm so postive and full of joy, I know. Some of you, well actually none of you, are aware that at the top of my list of fears is death. I'm not a big fan of not knowing when, how or what will happen, so I've never really thought about this whole "Bucket List" thing (btw that was one of the saddest movies ever. Really). So, I took some time to think about it and compiled everyone's favorite thing, a list, of things I'd like to do before I check out. Here goes:

1) Swim with dolphins....but first learn how to swim-while I don't really find it neccessary to learn how to swim, I figure learning wouldn't hurt. Plus, I felt like kind of an ass when I was in Capri and my family was all jumping off the boat and swimming in the ocean and there I was holding on to the side. Fun times.

2)Master Italian and learn how to speak Portuguese- I spent a few weeks in Italy back in college and picked up the language pretty well, but I would like to able to not put a "uh..." in between sentences. Will I use these languages often? No. But, wouldn't hurt to learn. Also, you never know when I'll run into Cristiano Ronaldo. How am I supposed to kick it to him if I can't speak his language? I mean, really.

3) See Lebron James in action..don't judge me- Contrary to popular belief, I've been a Lebron fan since he was a young tyke trying to get drafted by every team under the sun. I've never seen the dude play live and would love to do so before he pulls a Omar Epps in "Love & Basketball". Sorry bud, its bound to happen.

4)Take a trip to Portugal...and Greece...and Croatia..and the south of France..and Spain...and Brazil.and New Orleans.....and Costa Rica....- and I best start saving my money.

5)Live on my own...roommate not included-While I do consider myself to be pretty independant, I don't know what its like to be completely on my own and would like to learn. While some of you think itd be pretty lonely to live alone, I would love to come home and hear.....silence. Silence is nice sometimes people.

6) Learn how to be less shy, learn that its okay to be angry at people, and learn how to say nooooooo to people- while I'm a pretty tough cookie when it comes to strangers, I can be kind of a pushover when it comes to friends, acquaintances and dudes aaaaand I need to learn how to fix this.

And last, but not least....

7) Go on "The Amazing Race" and "Wheel of Fortune"...seriously- I told someone once that I wanted to go on "The Amazing Race" and they replied "all jokes aside??" I know, me literally running around the world, and on tv at that, is a hard concept to grasp, but I want to do it! Anyone want to join me, please holla. As for the second, I mean, who doesn't want to go on that show?

That's it. That's my list. I'm sure ill add some things over time and will hopefully get to complete some or all before....you know.
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It was all a dream....

2010-11-08T21:13:00.000-08:00

There are some people who remember every dream they have and I am not one of those people. In fact, I barely ever remember any of them and when I do remember, it is the most random, odd things. For example, a few weeks ago I had a dream that I was playing Dominoes with Pee-Herman. Yes.
While that obviously meant nothing, some do believe that many of your dreams are some sort of insight to your feelings or things going on in your life. Bla, bla. Well for those of you who are into this crap, help a sista out and make me a believer.
Long story short: for the past few nights I've been having dreams with the same two people in different scenarios. One of the parties, I sporadically speak to, the other, I haven't spoken to in months and in the words of Forest Gump "that's all I have to say about that". The reason that I am looking for some kind of explanation is because this has all got me trippin and trippin just really aint my style. Unless its physically tripping, then yes, I do that all the time and its def part of my style.
So, if any of you feel as if you are dream experts and can help me out, I shall go into more detail, otherwise the rest of you can just miiiind ya bizness, that's all. Ah, I love ya kids.
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Either Love Me or Leave Me Alone

2010-10-05T06:00:00.001-07:00

Was having a conversation with a friend yesterday afternoon and the convo steered towards boy talk. I told her my most recent man dilemma and she says "We have to figure out why you can't a guy. You're pretty, you have a good personality, we have to figure it out" Naturally, I burst out laughing because she made it sound like we were trying to figure out a way to attain peace in the middle east. This lead me to really think about what the issues with myself may be that makes me like a disease (thanks Molly Ringwald for that line). Here's what I've come up with:

1) If there was a town called Shyville, I'd be the mayor- I am one of the shyest people you'll ever meet. I don't like being the center of attention and it takes me quite some time to warm up to people. Especially dudes. I have no problem talking to dudes via social networks, text, whatever but when it comes to being around them in person for the first time or even first few times, some kind of evil force comes over me that turns me into Awkward Alice. This leads into.....
2) Me having zero game. Zero, zilch, none.-Those of you who know me, especially if you've dated me, know that I fail in the flirting department. My way of flirting is similar to that of that kid in 2nd grade who used to pull your pony tail because he liked you. I tease guys, joke around with them and if am comfortable, just act like a plain ol' r'tard. Does it work? Sometimes, but obviously more often no then yes. This leads into....
3) Me falling rapidly into the "Friend" Zone-I have been told many times that I'm like a dude. While I do consider myself quite girly in some aspects( nails dun, hair dun, everything did) I can be quite the un-girl. I'd rather have wings than a salad for lunch, I laugh during horror flicks as opposed to being scared, my ghetto hand goes up in the air when Rick Ross plays in a club, I drop the F bomb more often than I should, I don't cringe at dirty jokes, when it comes to relationships I'm often the one who needs the space, am not clingy and I'd rather a dude buy me a DVD than flowers. Apparently, this pushes me into the "she's one of the dudes" category, which I think is okay, but others think not. This leads into....
4) Either love me or leave me alone. I could use to be a little more flirtatious and aggressive when it comes down to wooing the opposite sex, I'll admit and I'm slooooooooooooooooowly but unsurely trying, but at the end of the day, ya gotta either love me or leave me alone.( If you haven't notice that is my favorite Jay-Z song of all time). My friend's bf may have said it best: "you know when you start to dance with someone and its weird at first because you're both trying to sync with each other and sometimes it just doesn't work? You need to find that person who's automatically gonna sync with your stupid ass and get it".
El em ef a O. Man's a genius.
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Why Sweet Jesus? Whyyyyyy?

2010-10-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, that is the question. No matter where I go I find that strangers are always talking to me. On the train, in Target, gas stations, everywhere. Whether it is to ask for directions or just talk about the weather, never fails, some freak is gonna start talking to me. Why? I'm not sure.
I don't think I look particularly friendly and try to look as bored and mean as possible in order to avoid this yet, it still happens.
Example:
Saturday night, it was around 3 am, walk into CV and head straight to the bar. As soon as we get to the bar some dude starts talking to my friend, dancing with her, we give her the thumbs up of approval and let her be. A few minutes later dude taps me on the shoulder and asks the "what's your ethnicity?" question. I tell him, he then goes on to tell me he's from Ohio and wanted to know if he could ask me a few questions for the paper he was writing. Yes, let's sit down and have an interview in the middle of a club with "Tootsie Roll" playing in the background. -_- Sadly, I think he may have really been writing a paper, but, my song came on so it was just not the time.
I'm really convinced that I have some kind of sign on my head that says "Everyone except cute dudes talk to me. Now". Gonna call Harvard and see if any of their students want to use me as an experiment and figure this mystery out.
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I'll be movin on (Mya voice)

2010-10-04T06:04:00.000-07:00

Seeing as how I barely ever tell anyone anything, very few of you know that this is my last week in the world of Ricky's.
While I'll miss my coworkers, my "kids" and the freaks of nature that come thru the office, I am happy and excited to be moving on.
Thanks for the year and change full of laughs kids :)
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The answer is : pearls

2010-10-01T06:15:00.001-07:00

Long story short, girl is asked to put down a 6 digit NUMBER (this is repeated about 5 times) as her pin for the register, girl writes: "pearls".

Not only are those not numbers, but the girl was probably sitting there for the entire orientation thinking of a word with six letters and of all the words in the world she chooses:pearls.

Oooooh lawdy, thanks for the giggles.
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First class seat on the Emotionally Retarded Express

2010-10-01T06:15:00.000-07:00

I am emotionally retarded. I will be the first to admit it, never deny it and am surely convinced that it is one of my worst traits.
For some reason I have a hard time expressing my feelings unless under the influence of the truth serum (aka alcohol) or have reached the peak of Mount I've Had Enough ( the highest mountain in the land of Emotionally Retardness). On top of this, I can also have an extreme delayed reaction to things.
For example: there was a situation that ended and when it ended I just brushed my shoulders off and kept it moving. Now, weeks, almost headed into months later, I'm starting to feel the emotions of annoyance/semi-anger/borderline hurtness (if that's not a word, I just made it one). Those very few who know me, know me said they saw this coming and that I need to stop being the queen of fronting. I hate when people are right.
Maybe one day this will change or maybe this is just how I will be until the end of time. I'm betting on the second, but hey, miracles do happen.
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Take a break from the VMA's and....

2010-09-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

watch this for two seconds and make a small donation. I'm not really into the whole preaching for a cause thing, but this is one that is near and dear to my heart (yes, I have a heart). Times are tough, but a few dollars out of your pocket wont hurt. Unless you only have a few dollars then, just think happy thoughts.

Boys, can't live with 'em and dam sure can't live without 'em..sigh

2010-09-11T11:24:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me, know me know that I am the number one advocate for anti-dude bashing because, well, you win some, you lose some. However, events in my life and the lives of those around me these past few months have had me wanting to just give a few tips on the dos and donts of courting. While there are plenty of dbags in this world who will never learn, even the nicest of guys eff up sometimes. That being said while they're are plenty of psycho, overly sensitive girls in the world, even the toughest, most carefree girls in the world will feel the ouch factor in some situations. It happens to us too.
Now, I'm no expert but, I think I've experienced some things to just put my one cent in. (Can't afford to put two in right now. *hit the cymbal* Ah I crack myself up.) Anywhoo, let's cut straight to the chase and here goes.....

1)Do not, I repeat do not, tell a girl you're feelin her if you're not going to do anything about it. This is an even bigger don't if the girl is feelin you back. Even the most tough of chicks is going to feel a sting from this. It'd be like if I told you Halle Berry was going to deliver your bday cake, put her infront of your door then close it and say "sike". You'd feel kinda shitty wouldnt you?

2)Do not use a girl to try to get over another one. Distractions help, but go distract yourself by getting a new hobby. I've heard Zumba is quite fantastic.

3)If a girl asks where things are going, it's because she wants to hear the truth, so share it. If you want to tell her that you'd rather give yourself a paper cut right between your toes then move any further with her, tell her. If you want to tell her you're seeing someone else, tell her. If you want to tell her you're just not sure, tell her. Grant it, some chicks are loco en la cabeza and will maybe start burning your pictures and telling all her friends and the whole FB world that you dress in drag at night time, most of us can handle it like big girls. The truth hurts, but it's better to hear. If you'd like to maintain some sort of friendship with this girl, tell her. Honesty is quite an admirable quality and the key to a good friendship. This also goes into.....

4)Do not, I repeat do not, avoid a situation. If you just met the chick two weeks ago, went out on one date and she's blowing up your phone like a debt collector, then by all means, ignore. If you've been dating a girl for months or in the HS term "talking" to her for some time, ignoring is not the answer. Be a real dude and just tell her how it is. This is especially true if you've had some sort of friendship prior to all the nonsense. As hard as it may be for you to tell the truth, think about how hard it may have been for her to ask. It'll sting, but she'll live.

5)Like dudes, there are some girls who have no clue on how to take the initiative. Fellas, if a girl is constantly speaking to you or hinting at wanting to see you, she's not doing it just for kicks. Girls, regardless of whether they're looking for a cuddle buddy, a movie partner, a boyfriend or their future baby daddy, do not like to waste time so she aint talking to you for her health. If it's subtly right infront of your face, then take it. If come the day she stops all this hinting, it may not be because she's moved on to the next one, it may simply be because chasing after someone is eggg-sausting. I'm sure you know.

and last, but certainly not least....

6)Do not ask a girl for her phone number and start talking to her if you live 145827
states away and are not planning on relocating any time soon. In the words of my father "el amor de lejos es el amor de pendejos" (Google translate for you non-spanish speaking folk) and pen pals are so 4th grade. I'm sure you can find someoene in your own state.

Girls, these thing go for you too. The end.

And the best song ever out right now award goes to....

2010-09-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

This song has been on repeat on my Ipod for the past few weeks. Could be for certain reasons or it could just be because we all know I have a potty mouth and its an excuse to use the word about 15 times in the span of 3 minutes. It's mostly likely the second but, only I know the truth.Shout out to Cee Lo for making such a fab little tune.

I wish I could, but.....

2010-09-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

If you know the rest of that sentence, then odds are I've said it to you before and odds are you've given me the "bitch" look. Ah you love it. While I obviously have things in common with my friends and acquaintances, there are times when I feel like the odd man (girl) out. There are activities and things they like/dislike that I'm often giving them the "I aint into that shit" look. If you've seen the look, you know. Here's a list of a few:

1)Sky diving- I've been asked over and over and over again to do this and my answer is and will always be : HELL TO THE MOTHER EFFIN NO. I'm not a big fan of sitting on a plane, strapped in with the door closed so why in the hell would I voluntarily throw myself out of one and let's face it, with my luck, that chute aint opening.
2)Reading-Unless its an 8x 11", glossy thing full of pictures, I don't want to know about it. Some say reading raises your intelligence level. In my opinion, reading about vampires frolicking around and making love in the woods or nerdy kids who have magical powers, really isn't going to make me any smarter. While I'm not exactly splitting atoms and do have my moments, I think I am doing just fine in the intelligence department thank you very much. I spell correctly, I use proper grammar and can say "Go f*ck yourself " in four different languages. See, I'm fine.
3)Snooki, Sooki, Spooki and whatever their names are- Contrary to popular belief, I really do not watch much tv. Well, actual shows. Unless its a DVD or a movie on Demand I'm really not interested to see what's on my local station. I hate "True Blood", I hate "The Jersey Shore", have never seen "The Bad Girls Club" and if I hear someone say "xoxo Gossip Girl" one more time I'm going to...do nothing but cringe.
4)Dating- I hate dating, really. I have no problem speaking to dudes here and there via social networks and text messages, but when it comes down the the actual meeting up.....:insert BBM can't watch smiley: here. The thought of being one on one with someone I barely know really makes me want to hide under the covers. I know eventually I'm going to have to get over this, unless I want to end up an old lady sitting on a porch with my 6 dogs. This is the only one that ill actually give in to. When, don't know, but I will. I swear. Really.
5)One word: Twilight. Don't even need to go into detail on this one.
6)Leaving my house during the day on the weekends- While I do enjoy a BBQ here and there and do like to get out of my house on a nice day on occasion, most of the time I like to spend my weekends locked in my room, blinds shut, with my four favorite things in the world: my phone, my bed, my tv and my DVD player. Sue me.

Those are pretty much the main things I can think of right now. There are maybe two people I know that share these same exact thoughts and to those I'd like to give a special :insert BBM Hug smiley: here. Feel special because we all know how I feel about hugs unless you're a hot dude, then hug away.

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"Learn Something New Everyday"

2010-08-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

We've all heard the phrase and yep, its true. Well, maybe we don't learn something new everyday, but pretty often. You may sometimes not even notice you're learning things but, you are. I happened quite a few things this month ( I know its only the second week of August but, its been quite eventful). So here is a list of a few things I've learned this month. You love my lists, I know.

1) Water parks are dangerous
2) Not all funnel cake is a piece of heaven
3) Sometimes you'll ask a person a question, if they don't give you a direct answer, there's your answer. If you know what I mean, you'll know what I mean.
4) People can give you advice up the wazoo, but in the end, you're gonna do what you want.
5) Sometimes shyness can be misconstrued as bitchiness. It sucks but, that's how the Lord sent me down here, what can I do.
6) Running in high heels, unless you're Carrie Bradshaw, is NOT, I repeat, NOT ever a good idea. I don't wanna talk about it.
7)Urban Outfitters really has the dopest shirts ever. For guys. Talk about discrimination. Not all girls want a shirt that says "Bonjour le Parie I love you" on it. Really.
8) No need to dwell on things that have already happened, no matter how much it bugs you. What's happened, happened, can't change it so keep it movin'. Who needs Dr. Phil when ya got me?
Aaaand finally

9)I shoudlve been a weather..woman. These dudes can say whatever the hell they want and they are still employed. If I have to carry my umbrella one more time without seeing an ounce of precipitation I'm going over to Mr. G and slapping him with it. Seriously.

Aaand that is pretty much it so far. Months not over, so I'm sure ill be able to update this soon. You're excited, I know.
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Can't We All Just Get Along

2010-08-13T11:46:00.001-07:00

So, I'm super late, but I got word that Young Jeezy and Rick Ross, two of my favorite dudes from down below, have beef.

1) Who uses the word "beef" anymore, unless youre at a wedding and they ask you what you want for dinner?

2) I dont know about you but, there's plenty of room in my Ipod for the soothing sounds from both fellas. Well, that's not true because my Ipod is full at the moment, but if it wasnt, thered be room.

3)Who still has beef with another artist? That is soooooo 1999. Get with the times boys.

4) They really need to squash this beef, get together and try to get rid of those folk who are making a mockery of my beloved tunes from the south. I dont want to mention any names but it starts with a Soulja and ends with a Boy. Really.

That's pretty much my thoughts on the situation. My last piece of advice, and weve all heard these words before: "Seriously, get over it who gives a sh*t". Oprah status advice right there.

MTV, I'm ready

2010-08-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

OOOOhhhh Lawdy. If there were ever a week in which my el has been superbly effed, it has been this one. Just going to cut to the chase here. So, here goes ahem :clearing throat:

1) Saturday night I'm out at this spot, minding my business, doing my same ol' two-step, when this girl, who was dancing as if it was her last night on Earth, knocked me in the back of the head with her teeth. Yes, with her teeth. Who does this happen to?? Oh yeah, me.
2) Most of you know that Sundays are my day to do nothing but be a waste of space, eat and watch tv. Best day of the week. Well, this past Sunday, I got my lazy butt up and went to a water park. I know, the girl who cant swim going to a water park just screams "BAD IDEA". Long story short, get on the first ride, I get knocked in the head so hard that my contact popped out and my face swole up, days later I get a killer headache and can't walk without almost tipping over, go to the Dr (surprise, surprise, I went to a Dr.) and he tells me.....I have a mild concussion. WHO THE EFF GETS A CONCUSSION AT A WATER PARK???? Oh yeah, me.
And finally:

3) These meds the Dr gave me say : No alcoholic beverages. I mean, what is this dude trying to do to me? I think I've read enough Web MD to know that consuming an alcoholic beverage or two is okay. Psh, dont need no 10 years of med school to diagnose something.

The point of all this was just to a) give you a guys a little chuckle ( hey, even if youre laughing at me, youre laughing) b) have you be glad youre not me and c)prove that I really need my own reality show. C'mon dudes. Long overdue.

By the Power of Grayskull

2010-08-04T20:16:00.000-07:00

These past few months have really brought some light and uncovered things I think I knew about myself, but had no idea. (That phrase will never die) I'm sure most of you who know me, know me, like really know me, knew these things already but let me just confirm. Here goes:

1) I am really the master of covering my feelings. Many of you have heard the "I'm laughing, but I'm really pissed" before. Prime example. Not sure why when I get really angry I start to laugh. Life mystery.
2) I am the master of letting things bother me forever and pretending like I don't care. Although a chosen few do get to hear my "wtf?"s. So special.
3) I am the master of saying " am I wrong?" And btw most of you know, I'm not most times. You love it.
4)I am the master of letting my pride get the best of me. I know, I know, I KNOW.
5) I am the master of ;). Ah I kid.
6) I am the master of listening. People tell me their problems. Friends, coworkers, strangers, the lady in Duane Reade. I'm not quite sure why, but, I'm there for ya babes. This leads to being the master of all masterness......

7) I am the master of keeping secrets. If I had a quarter for every time someone said " don't tell anyone, but.." I'd be living in a beach front condo in Miami with my yacht parked out front and all the Yoohoos my little heart desired in my fridge. Tell me something and you kids can rest assured that I will take it to the grave. Even if you make me mad and I start hating you more than Oprah, that bitch.

So yes those have been my discoveries. Many of you are probably saying "duh we knew this" and I did too, I was just in denial. Sue me.
PS I'm totally being the Spanish cocoa She-ra for Halloween. Score.
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Question of the Day

2010-07-15T06:40:00.001-07:00

When it comes to relationships, "relationships" and relations with the opposite sex, why in the name of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints do people feel the need to be so concerned in what goes on in the lives of others?

If anyone can give me an answer to this I will....do nothing but say "thanks!". Hey, a little politeness goes a long way.
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Ninja Please

2010-05-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

Some of you know that I am very hesitant on giving my phone number out to dudes. Call me picky.

Anywho, long story short, Friday night dude approaches me, I gave him my number, dude calls me the next day....at 8:59 am.
Let's figure out all the things wrong with this.
1) He called me. I mean, I know the dude doesn't know me, but really I barely pick up the phone for people I know (if I do pick up your calls or call you back consider yourself special), let alone a stranger. This is why the phone gods invented text messaging, hellooo.
2)He called me at 8:59 am. I have and do have conversations with people at this time, but its with people that I've known for more than one hour.
3) He called me at 8:59 am on a Saturday.

I think that this is a pretty good little example on what dudes should not do if they want a girl to call them back. I also think its a pretty good example that backs up my theory of the rarity of a normal dude ever approaching me. The proof is in the pudding kids, can not make it up.

PS Dude has also been calling me everyday since last Friday. I don't know about you, but if someone doesn't answer me after the second call, I'd pretty much think that they're never going to answer me. I totally mustve been a puppy killer in my past life.
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Thats Way Harsh Tai

2010-05-27T08:09:00.000-07:00

As some of you know Ill be journeying (is that a word?) many miles away in a week and have been informed that it is quite expensive to use my beloved Blackberry out there. Very expensive. This means I will be mia from FB, Twitter and BBM for eight whole days. EIGHT. WHOLE. DAYS. May as well be a million.
Will be quite interesting to see how long it takes for my thumbs to start twitching and I start rocking back and forth like Chris Rock in New Jack City. Maybe I wont miss it at all. Ah who are we fooling, Ill probably slip and come back to roaming charges up the wazoo.

PS Ill miss you kids (some of you) but you know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Sometimes.

Um yeah so...

2010-05-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

I used to heart Chris Brown, then I hated him, then I hearted him, then went back to hating him. I know, I can never make up my mind. While I do still kinda hate him because I think hes a pathetic loser ( "tell us how ya really feel!") I must say this video is, well....ya know.

D. Wade who?

2010-05-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

The story goes like this:

In the elevator at the Shore Club this dude, who was about 9 1/2 feet tall walks in we stop our convo friend says: "Are you a basketball player?" His response:

"Yeah I play for the Heat but you probably woulndt recognize me because Im always on the bench"

This went down in the books as one of the funniest things ive ever heard in life and shout out to him for keepin it real.

Its okay, youre still on the payroll honey.

You'll shoot your eye out

2010-05-21T09:41:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me, know me are aware that I'm weird when it comes to things having to do with my eyes. It takes me about 10 minutes to put my contacts on, I'm like a little kid when it comes to putting eye drops in and I grasp on to my chair for dear life whenever I go for an eye exam.
Over time, the wearing glasses and contacts is not only getting annoying but putting quite the dent in my already extremely dented wallet. Because of this I have been contemplating going under the knife next year and getting the dreaded eye surgery.
I've researched how they do this and basically they blind you for about 5 minutes, slice things in your eyeball, put some goggles on you that make you look like Spiderman's short bus riding cousin, send you on your way and then ta-da no more four eyes. Hmm.
I don't know about you, but, none of that, except for the last part, really sounds like a party to me.
I've heard guys find girls with glasses kinda cute anyway....right? Someone just say yes, thanks.
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Swoon

2010-05-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me know that I like my fellas a little bit, well, shaded, but I do enjoy myself some looking at fellas on the lighter end of the spectrum from time to time. So this is my new white boy crush. If anyone knows him pass him along my number thanks.

The Shallow Award Goes To...

2010-05-21T06:23:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend I had a mini-discussion on whether I'd prefer to date a guy with looks or one with money. My conversation partners said they'd much rather have an average , even almost ugly dude who wiped his ass with money then a "poor" dude. Naturally, it just wouldn't be Mel acting like Mel if I didn't go against the crowd. I said I'd rather date a cute,broke guy then an ugly rich one and almost got thrown in the pool. This led to the debate: who's the shallow one? Side note: both sides did agree that personality overrides both factors. Rich or poor if you're a boring ass mofo aint nobody but a boring ass mofo equivalent is going to date you. There's someone out there for everyone.

My argument: in order to date someone you must be attracted to them and no amount of money in the world is going to turn Bill Gates into David Beckham. Actually, no one can ever compare to David Beckham, but you know. Oh David.

Their argument: but he's rich.

After writing this post I've realized that both parties are the shallow ones. I personally think that I am the less shallow one because, well, just because. The jury is out.

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Because guys are dumb

2010-05-21T06:10:00.000-07:00

In observation of many conversations and with my own experiences, I've come to realize that whenever a woman/girl is asked a question referring to a dude who's not acting the way you'd like him to act, the answer is always "because guys are dumb". No explanations, just these simple words and no matter how old the woman, this is always the answer. Brings along a little lol.
This further backs up my theory that guys are a mystery of life and thou shall not ever attempt to understand. Just roll your eyes, say what-ever and.....that pretty much works.
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Hello, McFly

2010-05-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

I spent this past weekend in one of my favorite cities in the galaxy, Miami. While it wasn't a typical "Mel Trip" ie sprained fingers, lost items, wondering wth happened...(hmm maybe this was a better trip...) I did have a great time and it was oh so necessary. There were many "you had to be there" moments but I did learn some life lessons that of course, I am going to share with you. Sooo, here goes.

1)Brown people do burn.
We all know I love to get my Wesley Snipes on and we all know my face is the last to get the message that everyone looks better with a tan. I decided to do the smart thing and not put sun block on my face. Because of the genius idea, I came back looking like Rudolph with hair and now have some sexy peeling action going on. I'm sure ill attract some fellas this weekend with this.

2)Miami cab drivers are the best and craziest cab drivers on the East Coast.

I had one cabbie singing along to Gucci Mane in a Haitian accent, one blasting David Guetta, one letting me know where I could find the single men and one screaming at passing cars to "get a life". If that isn't awesomeness, I really don't know what is.

3) Dudes from DC throw some pretty awesome rooftop parties....even if you're technically not invited.

DJs in masquerade gear, Lil Wayne blasting, vodka on deck. All good. I also learned that the perfect answer to "scuse me how did you hear about this party?" is "I don't know , I just did" Trust me, charms the pants off of anyone.

4) Jose Reyes and Wacka Flocka are not the same person.

Enough said.

5)The older I get, the less smooth Patron goes down. Ah the perils of life.

6) If someone wants to go and talk to a dude for you, just let 'em.
Yes, my chicken-ness travels too.

7) Walking up steep stairs with a skirt on is not a good idea.

And last, but not least:

8) There are actual things as Lesbian conventions.

While I consider myself a pretty open-minded gal......I have my limits. Apparently there was a convention for the Aqua girls which is basically WMC for lesbians and apparently lesbians scare single dudes away. Score.

There were many other moments that occurred that have had me giggling like a crazy person at my desk for the past few day and sadly they can not be explained. For those who were there I have two words :" Mac Compact" hahahahahahaa. Ahhhh the end.
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I have to...wash my hair

2010-05-08T15:22:00.000-07:00

Dating sucks. Really. A friend of mine was telling me the other day how she practically has a date with a different, new dude almost every weekend and while some gals may have been jealous, I can safely say I was not.
While I can't exactly say I have thousands of dudes knocking on my door, I have been asked out and have politely (yes I can be polite) declined due to the fact that I find it almost torturous to hang out with someone that I barely know. Awkward silence, the trying to impress you wining and dining, asking questions such as where did you grow up, what's your favorite movie, the "sooooo...what else"'s are really not my idea of a good time. Not to mention that I have a hard time being my fabulous self (kidding) around a stranger. The last date I went on having a conversation with the dude was like waiting in the dentist chair. Needless to say, it did not work out.
According to my friends, unless I want to be an old cat lady in the future, I'm going to have to give in one of these days and just give one of these dreaded "d" words a shot. Well see.

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Nightmare on 249th St

2010-04-28T18:22:00.000-07:00

Uuughhhh to the Uuggghhhh, wedding season has arrived. While this season usually does not affect or phase me, it seems as if everyone and literally their mother, around me is getting married and I'm invited. I think its great, I'm happy for my friends if they're happy but.......I need a date. Ah here I go, thinking of myself.
I have four weddings to go to and need a date for two of them. My ideal wedding date would be :

-non-boring
-non-annoying
-look good in a suit
-entertain me during the boring parts
-dance to at least one song which is not the cha cha slide
-non-boring
-non-annoying

Seeing as how I am batting zero in the dude department, itd really be grand if one of my dude friends would do me a solid and volunteer themselves. The upside of this would be you having the pleasure of my company for an evening and me loving you forever, but only as a friend. Did I mention free food and booze? Help a sista out.
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The Friday Night Files

2010-04-28T11:44:00.000-07:00

I must say nothing really interesting happened to me last Friday. (Well something did happen after I left the spot, but I'd really rather not get into it. Lets just say...it was a looong night). The lets embarrass Melissa gods must be on some long ass vaca. However, I did learn a few lessons that I thought I was aware of but, well, you know me. Here goes:

Lesson 1:

Nerdy white boys and ghetto ass dudes love me. Why, I'm not sure. Some suggest I just change my preference of gentleman, I say, barf. I like my answer better.

Lesson 2:

Always test a skirt out before you wear it. Unless you like it getting an inch shorter every time you take a step. Personally, I dont enjoy that, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

Lesson 3:

People still really do that whole 90's gun fingers circle dance to reggae songs.This dude was getting down like he was in the middle of a bashment party and I loved every moment of observing it. The 6th grader in me wanted to go request "Rich Girl" and join him. Next time.

Lesson 4:

Whenever you see dudes about to fight, its best to move over. Way over. These two retards started fighting, one pushed the other, he flew like he had just gotten and electric shock from Blanka right onto the chair. Thankfully, I had two-stepped my way towards the other direction, if not, Im pretty sure I wouldve been knocked over and smashed a few glasses. That wouldve been pretty awesome. Not.

aaaand finally,

Lesson 5:

I learned something about myself that Ill just keep to myself because it will just give away too much and it will be too obvious to a handful on what I am speaking of. So, mums the word. Maybe if you ask nicely, Ill tell. Prob not, but maybe.

My past few Friday nights, while enjoyable, really have not been anything to write home about. Don't fret my pets, summer's coming and we all out of the ordinary things usually go down during the summer. Well, in my world at least.

And the Best Text of the Day Award Goes to......

2010-04-28T11:27:00.001-07:00

"Im not sure why some dudes are such big scared babies and think that when were interested in them it automatically means we want to be wifed up and be taking long moonlight walks on the beach hand in hand every weekend not to mention they act all weird. Slow your roll son, I may not even like you after the first date. Dam! Anyway so what are you up to this weekend?"

-this is from an anonymous source who asked not to be revealed. Oh you kids crack me up, really. May I add, I concur with a side of LMAO. The anger was definitely felt.

Everybody's a Suspect

2010-04-23T12:26:00.001-07:00

Well, the week is not over, and its Friday. We all know what that means. Anywho, Wednesday was probably one of the worst work days I've had in quite sometime. Most of you who have heard and listened to my complaining (much appreciated kids and if you have something to bitch about, Mel's here for you) know that I hate my job. I know, at least I have a job, but it still sucks. Anywho part two, it was nearing the end of the day, I had been away from my desk, go sit down reach for this bag of cookies I had and discover that.....somebody ate my cookies. Not only did they eat my cookies, but they left the empty bag there.
What in the effin sam hell name of all that is good and holy is wrong with people? I don't know about you, but I really don't think its appropriate to go around stealing food from people's desks or go near others desks in general. Stay in your space.
I have been repeating "I can't believe someone ate my cookies" for the past two days because I really can't believe someone ate my cookies. Its a small office full of grown ass people, let's get some manners.
The moral of this rambling is: people are dam retarded. When I tell you that everyone is a lunatic, its not me being hostile, its me just stating the facts people.

PS Someone left me this note on my desk this morning.There are some sick fks out there, I tell you. If I ever find this creep Im going to...probably do nothing. Ah well.
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What's for lunch?

2010-04-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

I love food. Point blank. I grew up in a family where Chinese was for dinner every Friday and I was taken to McDonalds for breakfast every Saturday morning as soon as I was able to chew.
While I have had a love affair with food since the early 80's, I've also attempted to put myself on a diet starting every Monday since about 1989. As I was chowing down my fish tacos this pass Sunday at CPK I realized that diets just make people miserable and lord knows I do not need anymore misery fuel in this tank.
Sometimes I wish I could be one of those girls who was allergic to food, but really life would just be no fun. The moral of this story is.......bring on the burger. Not that I have been forgoing burgers recently and not that I plan on adding one to my everyday diet (high cholesterol really just isn't cute) but I am just saying from now on if I want to eat a burger damnit I am going to eat it and not give it a second thought. Let's just pray that leggings never go out of style.
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"Hey, what's up"

2010-04-20T06:07:00.000-07:00

I was talking to one of my friends over the weekend, the topic of flirting came up and the conclusion was made that if there were every anything that I would suck the most at, it would be this. Sue me.
My friend has these huge eyes and long eye lashes that she uses to bat at any boy that comes across her whom she finds attractive. I too have huge eyes and long lashes but the only time I bat them at someone is if I'm speaking and something happens to fly into my eye. She changes her laugh up to this soft little giggle and if a dude she likes makes her laugh she uses it. If a dude I like makes me laugh, hello chipmunk giggle and occasionally, a snort. Smooth.
By nature, I am not a sexy or flirtatious person. While I would consider myself a decent looking girl and not full blown Harriet the Herb, I am not exactly oozing Megan Fox charm. In a way you can say my version of flirting is just to be myself. My retarded, class clown self. My reasoning for this is that if I'm going to hang out with a dude he may as well know from the get go how I am and if he doesn't like it then, as my grandma would say, "bye-bye Charlie".
Its all about saving time people, life is short. Life lessons from Mel right here.

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Is it me or....?

2010-04-19T21:04:00.000-07:00

I've been riding the subway into the city for the past five years and will be the first to let you know if there was ever anything to suck in life, it would be the subway. It smells, its crowded and it will most likely be the cause of a heart attack for me one of these mornings. While I usually use my time on the train to catch up on sleep, sometimes I stay awake and observe. Well, today I came to a conclusion: there are more freaks in the world than normal people. (If you're not aware, I use the word freak daily in my vocabulary. No, not to describe that kind of freak (dirty minds), but basically just a weird person or a normal person that has done a strange thing. Hang around me long enough and you too will be using this word daily. Trust me) Now, back to the point of this.
While I was on the A train, there was a man sitting across from me speaking to himself. The woman next to him had a look on her face as if she was about to clock anyone that got near her and her 50 shopping bags. The guy standing by the door appeared homeless and extremely aggravated that there were others on the train besides him. Then there was me. Ill be the first to admit that I am a bit strange sometimes. The smell of oranges makes me want to puke, I cut my food into pieces because I think it equals more food and I enjoy doing laundry. However, I would not even put myself anywhere near the level of these people. Not saying that I am better than them, but really.
So next time you're riding the train, take a look around and notice the wonders that are around you. Just don't stare too hard, because, well, you watch the news.
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Testing 1,dos,3...

2010-04-19T11:23:00.001-07:00

I finally figured out how to blog from my phone. I'm 965 years late I know, but we all know my phone is bootleg so let's blame it on that.
If this does work out you can expect much more blogging for your reading pleasure. You're excited, I know.
P.S this picture has nothing to do with this post, but it was the first thing to pop up on my phone sooo please disregard. Thanks, bye.
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"From downtooooown"

2010-04-17T13:27:00.000-07:00

It's about that time again. Many of you who know me, know me, know that I am really not the athletic or sporting even type of gal, except for this. While you won't find me painting my face or screaming obscenities at the tv, I do love me some NBA playoffs. This year I am crossing my fingers and doing the "lets goooo" dance for my dudes on The Heat or the Cavaliers and telling Kobe to kiss my #$@(looks can only get you so far with this girl).
Good luck boys.

The Friday Night Files

2010-04-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

The Friday night files took a break last night. You're all sad, I know. I did meet up with some friends after work and would like to pat myself on the back for actually following through with "I'm only having one drink". Miracles do happen sometimes kids. You're regularly scheduled program will probably resume next week depending on the weather, my bank account and if I have anything to wear. Its a rough life.

New in the Groupie files

2010-04-13T09:47:00.001-07:00

We all know how I feel about groupies and gold diggers. Not going to lie, when I was a young girl, I used to watch professional soccer games and the NBA and say, hey, one day I'm going to marry me one of those boys and live in a house that looks just like Barbie's. But, seriously.
These chicks, in my opinion, are just an embarrassment to chicks. While it is quite fab to have money and cars and a condo in Miami (ah the dream), hooching yourself around and spreading your business in public is really not okay.

If anyone can explain to me why they keep giving these types shows, please holla at me.

PS VH1, I'm free if you'd like to come and give me some type of show. I am quite the entertaining gal.

Don't Know....

2010-04-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

How old this song is but I loves it. Yes, I like things other than gravy soaked tunes.

The Friday Night Files

2010-04-12T18:17:00.001-07:00

Ive decided to switch my Fridays up a bit for a few reasons, all of which are nunya. Not that serious so please no specualations. Actually, go ahead speculate because it is always fun for me when you kids try to figure things out that I wont tell you. Ah so fun.

While nothing embarrassing happened to me again this past Friday (wooo-eeee I'm on a roll!) it was quite fun. A fellow Rickian is leaving us for the West Coast so a bunch of us decided to go out for a few cocktails. A few, a lot, a bunch, whatever. The evening went quite well and I'm hoping we sent him off with a good last hoorah.
Nothing quite epic happened but I did learn a few lessons:

-Patron is the devil-I thought that I knew this, but guess not.

-Smile more because then people think that you are mean-Apparently a few of the Ricky's boys were frightened by me. Not sure why, I mean really, my face just radiates happiness and joy. Sort of.

-Learn people's last names, or just pretend that you know them-Ah, you had to be there lol

Last but not least:

It is not a smart idea to fall asleep on the train after you've been drinking-Apparently it was announced that the train would be skipping my stop and I did not hear it because I was passed out. Thanks to my attentiveness, I ended up in East Jesus Nowhere, LI and had to pay $40 for a cab ride home. It is becasue of this that I will be not be buying my morning coffee this week. Fab.

WWMD: What Would Meli Do?

2010-04-12T17:20:00.001-07:00

I grew up completely surrounded by guys, all much older than me. While it was fun at times, it really never left much room for getting advice and talking.
For some reason, every baby born into my family over the past few years has been a girl. Maybe its something in the water. Or maybe God is punishing all my male cousins. I think that one is it. While I did and do have my mom to talk to , sometimes someone closer to your age is needed. Here's where I come in. Many of my little girl cousins are still in their Barbie and Dora phase, but when the time comes I would hope they would feel comfortable coming to me on any issue they may have. We all know I'm really not one for talking, so if the day does come, I think I will just show them this post and see if it answers their questions or teaches them anything. If not, go ask your mom kid.
Here goes:

On the outside:

-Boobs or Booty: If youre going to show leg, cover up the boobs. Unless its Halloween, youre at the beach, or you got a job that requires you to work past midnight. I hope not, but, you never know.

-If your toes or heels are protruding from your shoes, they do not fit.

-Muffin Top is only acceptable on top of a muffin.

-Camel Toe is only acceptable on a camel.

-Chipped nail polish. If I see it, I will pull a clothesline and unpolish the shit out of you.

-Not all of us were blessed to look like Keri Hilson (dam that beotch, I know), but if youre happy with your fab bod, then work it girl. If not, Crunch and NYSC always have membership specials.

When it comes to other girls:

-Dont be catty-If someone is bugging you, then just keep it moving. Avoiding people and shit talking just takes way too much energy. Ah that was so Rev Run of me.

When it comes to boys:

-Boys are a mystery of life. No matter how much you try to understand them, it will never happen so don't even try.

-Don't be a dude hater- While there are some dbags out there, there are some good ones as well. Whether you find them in a relationship or friendship, theyre out there.

-Don't be a dude basher- Sometimes a dude is going to do something that will make you want to tell him to go take a long walk off of a short cliff, but just keep it to yourself or tell your friends. No Twitter, no FB, no e-mails. Again, too much effort and they probably arent even worth it.

-Don't be afraid to tell a boy you like him- I've only learned this after 100 years of living, but it's okay to do, whether the outcome be good or bad.

-Guys and girls can be friends...even after dating-There will be some people to tell you that this is impossible, but its not.

-Know when to let it go-Sometimes you'll like a dude alot and sometimes the dude may not feel the same way. It happens. If you find yourself pursuing a guy and dont feel anything in return, do like Keyshia Cole says and let it go. Not gonna lie, itll burn, but its for the best.

-Money doesnt buy happiness- A dude driving a Benz is not any better then a dude driving a hooptie. A douche is a douche, a nice guy is a nice guy regardless of what's in his pockets.

-Dont.be.a.stalker-Stalking a dude's FB, Twitter, spots he goes to equals no bueno and no good can ever come of it.

-Again, guys are a mystery. Sometimes they will do and say things that you will not understand. Do.not.try. I repeat. Do.not.try. You will not succeed. There are some dudes who will explain their actions to you, but it is as rare as a good picture of Wacka Flocka. Ah boys, can't live with 'em and def can't live without 'em.

Last but not least:
Dont.be.a groupie-Enough said

While this post was intended for my future hot mommas to read in about 10 years, it may have entertained some of you. If it didn't, youre probably super boring anyway.

Woosh

2010-04-05T13:44:00.001-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I loves me some Pharrell. Many of my girl friends do not see what I see in this dude, but in my eyes he is one mighty fine piece of booty. Dude had this creepy child molester mustache going on before and I had fallen off the Pharrell wagon, but he has redeemed himself. If anyone would like to pass him along my number, please do not hesistate. Thanks.

Wardrobe Malfunctions

2010-04-05T10:35:00.000-07:00

Not sure on how to start this post other than, ladies mind your booties. Saturday night, this girl was doing all sorts of stuff, fell , gets up and her dress is basically bunched up on her waist with her whole ass in the air. Does anyone tell her? No. She needs new friends.

Not gonna lie, I've occassionally gone sans underwear depending on the outfit. Dont judge me, a lot of people do it. However, if I am going without I am most certainly not gettin low, droppin down and gettin my eagle on or anyting else that requires a near flashing. Not that I do these things anyway when I am wearing underwear, but you get the point.

So girls, if youre going to get wasted and be stumbling all over the place Victoria's Secret sells full ass underwear 5 for $20. Its a grand investment.

"Put your phone away"

2010-04-04T18:27:00.000-07:00

Im addicted to my Blackberry. We all know this. Some people say I may have a problem, I really dont see the big deal or how its harmful, until last night. These two dudes were trying to talk to my homegirl and me and we were trying to do the talk on your phone so maybe theyll go away thing. They seemed to know people I knew, so I was trying to be ever so polite even though I wanted to shout out "GO THAT WAY". As I was on my phone, one of the dudes asked me if I had BBM, I said yes, but dont use it. His response "well youre gonna start" Hot dog. I tried to pretend that I really didnt know how to use BBM, but he took it upon himself to put his number in and his pin in, then proceeded to ask me for my number (even though I gave the "I have a bf" excuse. Shit just doenst work anymore) and I gave him a wrong one just to get him to go away.

Moral of this story:

I will now be putting my phone away while out so I can actually make the "I dont know how to use BBM" or "I dont have my phone on me" excuse actually work. Well see how this works out for me. I'm betting keeping my phone in my purse the whole night will be quite difficult. Challenge is on aaand go.

The Friday Night Files

2010-04-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

My favorite time of the year has come kids: skirt weather. The first tightsless night of the season def was one to remember. A lot of times events that occur on these nights are "you had to be there" moments and may not seem so amusing to you, but it amuses me to write about them so just use your imagination. Here goes.

"Can I take a photo?"

My homegirl and me decided to grab a slice of pizza before we went into the spot because I was starving. I know, what else is new. As were sitting there, out of the corner of my eye I notice these two dudes staring at us. Sadly they were not good looking and were superbly strange. All of a sudden one of them comes up to me about 2cm away from my face, pokes my shoulder, and says in a heavy accent "you beautiful". Thanks bro. We chuckled and decided not to get up right away even though something was telling me we should. Always go with your gut instincts kids. Always. I never listen to mine, but you should. About two minutes later his homeboy comes up to me, again so close to my face that I could see every pore on his skin, with camera in hand and goes "Can I take a photo with you?" (Insert BBM straight face) Maybe he was drunk. Oooor maybe he was retarded. Oooor maybe they dont have dark skinned girls where he comes from. Ah so many possibilities. In any case, I said "um NO" and shot out of that place like a skirt wearing bat out of hell. Moral of this story: If a weird European dude ever speaks to you, you run, run like hell. Unless you like that sort of Pepe Le Pew thing, than knock yourself out girl.

"Her voice is giving me a pain in my head"

My homegirl and me were sitting on the couch and all of a sudden a group of girls stands infront of us, one of them with a voice that sounded as if a wild beast was dying in the woods. I mean, I know its not her fault, but girlfriend go get some speech therapy or something because that voice could drive anyone to jump off of the roof. Moral of this story: It's not people's fault that their voices are annoying. That's just how God made them. Still doesnt make it any less annoying.

At this point I was observing somethings and realized bitches is cuhrayzee. I already knew this but this night it was just confirmed. That was the moral of that one sentence. Anywho...

"Slurp, slurp"

I was walking to the bathroom and as I'm walking in this dude goes "hey ma" and makes a slurping noise into my ear. I don't know about you, but a dude slurping into my ear is not really not going to make me stop in my tracks. Moral of this story: Spitting in someones ear and calling them "ma", not a good pick up line.

"Melissa, you did it AGAIN"

Why, sweet baby Jesus, WHY. I'm not exactly sure why these things happen to me. I'm nice to kids and to old people, I say please and thank you, I try to keep myself out of drama, I recycle, and still the embarrassment gods find a way to always get me. While I really do not get embarrassed that easily ("you have no shame" ha), there are occasions in which I thank God for my caramel complexion because it prevents people from seeing the shades of red my face could be turning. Oh yeah so back to the point of all this rambling. I went to say bye to my friend, why I went around the dj booth to the other side, I have no clue, but I said my goodbye and walked right along my merry way. I get to the elevator and my homegirl says "MELISSA! YOU DID IT AGAIN" I write it in caps because she said it to me as a mother was scolding her little child for writing on the walls with crayon. I just blankly looked at her and said "Did what?" completely clueless. Well my friends, if youve read a post I put up a few months ago in reference to me kicking the power cord next to the dj booth.....eureka, I did it again. I was less embarrassed this time because I didnt realize I had done it and was on my way out of the place but I still wanted to go home and throw myself under the covers and not come out again. I think I'm just going to appoint one of the guards to keep me away from the booth and next time just throw a paper airplane that says "bye" on the inside. Moral of this story: there is no moral, just some more proof that I'm a r'tard and should maybe just stay home.

After this, we went to some other spot in which the music was dope, but the people all looked liked coked out zombies who had just discovered the fist pump. Nothing happened to me here, except that my phone battery died and I was highly annoyed because I hate driving with no phone. We all know why ha.

"My friends they tell me I should leave you alone..." (that girl on that Jay-Z song voice)

2010-03-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

I was having an e-mail chat with one of my friends the other day and he asked why do girls ask for advice when it comes to dudes and never take it. While I was about to say "that's not true" I stepped back and realized that in most cases, it is the dam truth.
I'm sure dudes (especially those with female friends) know that us girls have plenty of "What should I do" conversations when it comes to many things, especially dudes. While we all give each other the basic advice "Text him", "wait until he texts you" "eff that hoe"(inside joke.ah you silly kids hahahaha)we basically barely ever listen.
Basically, we ask for advice to reassure ourselves, confirm what our gut instincts are telling us to do or in many cases , use it to do the complete opposite of what our friends are telling us to do.(hee hee).However, for many people, asking there girl friends/guy friends for advice is really just a mighty big waste of breath because you dam well know you're going to do what you want anyway whether it be good, bad, right, wrong, ballsy, ballsless.
I can safely say, it is a very rare moment when I take advice on this matter and when I do I end up kicking myself in the donk. It's not you kids, its me. Do I still do it? Yes. Why? Please see the reasons above.

I did reply to my friend with all this ramble, his response: "Dam weirdos"
Pssscheyyeah.....look who is talking. While I do defend dudes against the public rants and raves against them, I must say some of you fellas are quite the complicated creatures and need to be made a mystery of life, but that is a whoooole 'nother post. Stay tuned. You're excited, I know.

Don't Let Me Down

2010-03-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

While I'm usually iffy about remakes, I saw the previews for this movie and it looked pretty darned funny. Chris Rock, Tracey Morgan, Martin Lawrence and my white boy crush James Mardsen. All good. Comes out next week. Whooooo's coming with?? Don't all rush at once.

The Friday Night Files

2010-03-30T19:31:00.001-07:00

Last Friday was my not so little brother's bday and seeing as he would rather be seen wearing an Ed Hardy shirt than step foot into a club we decided to kick it old school and throw him a little house party. Don't fret my pets, just because I didn't go out doesn't mean no Friday "Only Melissa" mishaps occured. While nothing proved to be extremely epic, good times were had by all. Anywho, here goes.

The Quesadillas:

For some reason, Quesadillas make people happy and for some reason everyone was shocked that I was making them. When I pulled that pan and Pam out people acted as if I had just told them I thought guidos were hot. Contrary to popular belief, I can cook people. Jeez. Plus, putting a tortilla on a pan and melting cheese on top of it really doesnt require Rachel Ray skills. Not gonna lie, they were mighty good. Moral of this story: dont judge a book by its cover. Just because I flinch whenever I chip a nail doesnt mean I dont know how to use a stove. And yes I do remember to turn it off afterwards. Hardy har har.

The P-tron:

Oh the P liquid. This is a magic liquid that causes people to speak truths they would never speak, stumble,fumble,ramble and a bunch of other -bles as well as give super human strengths to the weakest of the bunch (more on that in a few). Whoever invented this needs to go straight to hell.(See ya down there and save me a shot) Moral of this story: be careful where and who you drink this around kids. Preferrably do it around me so that I can be provided with entertaiment.

"You have this on your Ipod?"

Let's just cut to the chase. While my number one loves are hip-hop and faux-hop ( ie ring tone rap and gravy doused jams), I do have other things on my Ipod besides these. The people in attendance all know me pretty much since the pre-contacts days and still seem to be shocked at the things that come out of that magical little contraption. Guess I am one big fooler. Moral of the story: Boy George rules. That's all.

Last but not least:

The Refrigerator

While this moment didnt seem like a big deal to me, it proved quite epic for those who witnessed it. One eye-witness stated " I walked into the kitchen and everyone looked as if they had just seem some paranormal ish". Another: " I was in awe as how someone so little could move something so big". Basically, I dropped my phone (what else is new), parts went flying everywhere and my vodka goggles convinced me that I had seen the battery fall under the refrigerator. I first attempted to move the fridge myself and those who know me, know that I have zero upper arm strength (let's just hope I never have to hang onto something for dear life) so I failed. I then looked over at an anonymous young lad (who later was discovered to be a friend of my brother's) to help me move it. Kid acted as if I had just asked him to help me rob the local bodega. Since anonymous chicken boy did not want to help me, and I wanted my battery something sort of force came over me and bam went the fridge a few feet from the wall. Determination kids. That's all it takes.Turns out my battery was not under the fridge and one of my trusted pals had it in his hand the whole time and I guess just wanted to see what lengths I would go to save my phone. Moral of the story: In the words of a wise young poet: "If I want it imma get that should not be tooken light..." well, when it comes to my phone at least. Ah so sad.

Many of these moments were definitely "you had to be there" moments and if you were there ya know. Magic always happens in Club Ferman. Our doors shall re-open come summer. Thank you.

And you knoooow what I neeeeddddd....

2010-03-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

What I need is to snap out of this funk that Ive been in. I have been letting things that I dont usually stress out over stress me out and it needs to be put to a halt. I know you kids are not liking it either. Sorry, sometimes even I need a day off. Maybe after I come back from my trips Ill be a brand new gal. Let's cross our fingers.

Come to me

2010-03-22T18:50:00.001-07:00

If there was a time when I would most need to peace up outta this b*tch it would be now. Summer '10 you shall be good to me. My recent penny pinching will aid in this bliss as well. Pays to brown bag the lunch kids!

Way to not be a girl

2010-03-22T17:51:00.001-07:00

In conversation with one of my boys the other day discussing relations with the opposite sex and just people in general, came out "I give you mad props for not being such a girl about shit" I said "Thanks? I think"

Explanation:

People think that I don't get annoyed at other girls or ever get my feelings hurt if something doesnt go right with a dude that I was digging. Jeez people, I do have feelings. How I express these feelings is a whole 'nother story. As I've mentioned I dont believe in going around on FB and Twitter ranting, airing things out or talking shit about people. Maybe its because I am a pretty private person or maybe its because, as we know, I've got pride seeping out of every pore in my body and don't like to show people that they've gotten to me or maybe its because many times I really dont give two effs about things unless its really something to stress about or maybe because I believe if there are people who are talking shit about you, being shady or have just done ya dirty, they really arent worth the time or effort it would take to let em have it.Real talk. (ah there goes my ghettoness)

Moral of this long ass conversation was: ladies let go , let flow. And for those dudes who act like chicks. You do the same. Please.

And shout out to big homie for the heart to heart. Awwwww. "yes homo"

PS This pic is proof that the "bitch please" face has been in effect since I was a young G back in Sunset Park. If those red tights and bows arent gangsta I do not know what is. I think I also have some sort of wing sauce on my face. Such a lady.

Just 'cause

2010-03-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

I would just like to announce that I am in love with this t-shirt. Those of you who know me know that when I'm not in my going out clothes, I live in t-shirts. My new fav would be <--------this guy. Girl. Shirt. Whatever. That's all.

The Friday Night Files

2010-03-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

Ah everyone's favorite day of the week. While nothing embarrassing happened to me this week (maybe the Let's Embarrass Melissa gods were on Spring Break) and things looked like they were going to be a snoozer, the evening did prove to be quite eventful. A lot of things were "you had to be there" moments, so for those who were there ya 'nahmsayin. For those who were not, use your imagination, thanks.
Here we go in almost chronoligical order.

"If I had to choose between all three of ya'll.."
Some man came up to my friend asking her lord know what. He looked a bit like Bernie Mac with glasses and a flat top. Hotness. He then starts to speak to all three of us letting us know that he was an agent and was here with his client, a model, and just wanted to let us know that. I'm sure my night would not have been complete if he had not given me that piece of information. He then tells us that we are all beautiful and if he had to choose between us he would not know what to do with himself. He can go home and thank Jesus that we made the decision quite easy for him. He came to check on us through out the night which made my night a lot better. Sike.

"On to the next one"
Some of us know that this is ma jam. I'm there singing along, doing my two-step when all of a sudden some guy who was rockin out dancing around like that UPS guy from Mad TV puts his face about an inch from mine singing along as well. My face must have spoken a thousand words because my homegirl turns to me and says "that looked painful". Hey, I'm all about the singing along to HOV, but please do it a little bit not in my face, especially if you've got Corona breath.

"Youre gonna regret this"

Some dude starts talking to my homegirl and her face screamed pure agony, so I went over to try and diffuse the situation. He kept talking didnt notice I was there, which maybe I shouldve been thankful for. His friend comes over to me and tells me he wanted to talk to me but was waiting for his friend to annoy my friend a bit more and then he could make his move. This made absolutely no sense, but not gonna lie, I did laugh. Anonymous dude and I had a brief convo involving his being shocked of my ethincity, mine being shocked at his, his trying to figure out what famous person I looked like and my trying to remember what his name was. (For the record, I still dont remember and I was 95.98 percent sober at this point and would like to shout out Mr. Anonymous for being non-annoying and a cool dude. Sorry for not remembering your name.ah well) His friend was still annoying my friend, then started talking to me (yay) asked me a few questions then left. Praise the lord. I took this opportunity to excuse myself and "go to the bathroom". While I thought my friend had followed, I was mistaken. I come back and see her talking to Mr.Anonymous and his ever so charming friend. They finally excused themselves and my homegirl let me know that Annoying San Annoying, asked for her number, she declined, leading him to tell her that she was going to regret not giving it to him because hes the shit and he never gets denied. For some reason, I really doubt that, but a boy can dream. I do want to thank him though for providing some entertainment.

"You dont have a boyfriend? something must be wrong with you"

This dude comes up and starts chatting up my homegirls and me lord knows what we were talking about but he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no. He asked why. I said I dunno. He asked if I was okay with that. I said yes. He again asked why. I said I dunno man. His reply "You dont have a boyfriend? Something must be wrong with you." I didnt take offense to this and actually thought it was pretty funny, but didnt show it. Instead he got the BBM Straight Face. He did get some points for telling me that he liked my outfit. Nice save. Kinda.

"You ever f*kd with a n*gga from down south"

Why sweet baby Jesus, why? This really has no story to it except for that this dude came up to me and asked me if I wanted to dance with him, I said no I'm okay thanks,he then asked if I've ever effed with a n*gga from down south before. He got the famous Melissa "can you please get away from me face" with a side of "um no". He asked if I wanted to try I did the "pretending to text in an awkward situation" thing which gave him the hint to leave. I saw him talking to about 9 other girls and did leave wondering if any of those girls had accepted his invite to fk with a n*gga from down south. Odds are if they did, they were probably a bit under the infuence.

"You have nice hair"

No story to this either but I would like to shout out to the dude who told me this. No nonsense chit chat just gave the compliment, a salute and bounced. He made me thankful that I spent all that money on my new curling iron and conditioner.

And last but not least:

"Bitch, were going out!"

Ah , I cant really explain this one but shout out to Diana and her amazing "Melissa you just need to..." chats. This was a def "you had to be there" moment and one that has had me laughing all weekend. If anyone wants a demonstration of this conversation I will gladly take .45 seconds of my day to show you. Ohhh Di, ya kill me lol

I would like to thank Friday for providing quite the entertainment on most nights. I do go out other nights and things are always happening, but this particular day for some strange reason always provides the most blog material. I will try to figure out this mystery and let you kids know. Im sure your lives will all be complete.

"My left is......"

2010-03-14T09:35:00.000-07:00

Not much to say except that, I went out Friday night. That should be enough intro to this post. Here we go:

Friday night I braved the elements, said eff it, and went out for some Melissa shoulder shaking and refreshing beverages. We all know where all this magic took place, so no need to say.

The beginning:
As soon as I walk into the place, sliiiipppp and near death ass bust. Seriously, those floors are deadly, especially when its raining out. Maybe ill be nice and buy them a mop to prevent such incidents.

Right after the beginning:

I think I mustve hit my homegirls drink with my phone and hand about 4 times after we left the bar and went to sit down. I felt something was coming. And it did. I moved back in my seat and spiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllll, vodka/cranberry all over the place. Wouldn't have been too bad, except for the fact that it spilled all over this dudes's coat and when he picked up he did not look too happy. In my defense, this is why coat checks were invented, to protect you from such incidents. I shouldve told him the story of how once someone puked on my coat and I had to walk from 10th avenue to 7th avenue in 10 degree weather in a dress and no coat on. Maybe he wouldve felt better. Prob not, but wouldnt have hurt.

The middle:

For some reason there was this dude who felt the need to be all up in my convo with my homegirl every time he passed by. He got the "cute, but weird" award of the night. At one point he may as well have been sitting in between us and contributing to the convo. Nosey-Rosie.
Then there were a bunch of people doing some kind of rain dance next to us and they smelled so bad I was about to go get my scarf and pull a ninja. People, please practice good hygiene and do the world a favor. If anything, Ill do you a favor and give you my 40 off discount at Rickys. Please.

Almost time to go:

As I was coming back from the bathroom, this dude standing near it goes "Shawty so nice, I dont mean polite, yeah you." Not gonna lie, that was kinda funny and he gets a B for effort.

The end:
The end I can not speak of because it is between my homegirl, me and the elevator guy. That's all.

I have come to the conclusion that a Friday night would really not be complete without some sort of Melissa r'tard moment happening. I know, I always say that, but this time I truly believe it. While I complain, it really does provide entertainment not just for you guys, but for myself. Ah well.

It was all a dream

2010-03-14T09:26:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night that I grew a pair of balls. Not literally, but you know. If you dont know I really do not have the time or patience to explain such terms to you. Ahh I'm so kind.
The point of all this is: ahahahahha, maannnnn that was a funny dream.

Hi, my name is Melissa and I dont listen

2010-03-11T09:34:00.000-08:00

There have been few things that have been making me go hmmm these past few weeks and Ive been asking a few people their opinions which all fall on deaf ears. Those deaf ears being mine.
Those who know me, know me, know that I'm not one to talk about things unless theyve really gotten me to the wteffin eff point. I talk, I ask advice and do I take it? Hardly ever. Why, I'm not sure. Maybe because the advice people give me is to do and say things that are completely out of character for me. Oooor maybe its because I am one stubborn ass mofo. I'm betting on both.
So I'd just like to say thanks kids to those of you who listen and waste your breath on me. Love ya long time. Savor that right there because those who know me also know I rarely ever express my emotions. Tootles.

It's confirmed like a Don King perm

2010-03-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

Yep. Melissa is invading Italy. The fam and myself are off to celebrate my momma's 50th bday in the land of gelato. I'm sure I will have lots of interesting stories for you kids. R'tard moments are regular for me here, imagine in a different country? Stay tuned sonny sonn sonnssss.

Just keepin it real son, sons, kids, whatever

2010-03-08T10:58:00.000-08:00

Last week I posted a Tweet on girls bashing dudes and how I am against it and quite the backlash from some of my fellow females. No hate mail, just "oh please you would do the same". I think its pretty safe to say, I would not.
I find it extremely pointless to go on angry tirades on how dudes are this and that and how they should all die or get attacked by a cheetah, reason being ya just look dumb and immature. Do I think that there are dudes out there who are this and that and should get attacked by cheetahs? Of course. Well, maybe not attacked by a cheetah, but I do believe and have come accross some d-bags in life. I just think that by a girl Tweeting or posting FB statuses regarding a dude, it really does not help a situation and frankly, no one cares.
I am big believer numero uno in being the bigger person and not posting all my bidness on these social sites so maybe this is why I think all this is just nonsense.
It sucks to be burned by a dude,believe me, I know. But do like the man HOV says and on to the next one. Ah such a scholar that man is.

Miss Movie Phone gives it aaaa.......

2010-03-07T18:20:00.000-08:00

Finally. I've been anticipating this movie's arrival for quite some time and was extremely excited to go see it. Ive loved the cartoon version for-ever and even read the book. Yep, I read. (PS for those of you who dont know, the book was really about a girl on Acid. Yep, fun fact for ya)
While it wasnt GREAT, i'd have to say, in my opinion, it was pretty good. If youre not a fan of the Disney version and don't really know the story, it may not be as good for you. My boy Johnny Depp and my girl Anne Hathaway did their things and there were some funny parts in it. While it got a bit corny towards the end, if youre an Alice in Wonderland fan like myself i'd say go see it. If you do see it, and dont like it, dont kill the messenger, thanks.

Here we go again

2010-03-07T18:06:00.000-08:00

Here go the Friday night chronicles again. You missed it, I know.
Friday night started out all honky dory (I heard that in a movie once and have always wanted to use it. I'm not quite sure why). However, we all know my Friday nights would not be complete unless an "only Melissa" event occured.
So, I was driving on the Van Wyck and all of a sudden my car started making like Thomas the Engine and slowly chugging its way down the middle lane. I recall saying out loud "greeeat juust effin great". The car ended up shutting off, leaving me stranded in the middle of the Van Wyck about 15 minutes from my house. Ah so close. Suprisingly, I remained quite calm,called my brother and told him what happened in which the reply I got was "omg you're such a retard".Ah sibling love. While I thought it was the battery that died, turned out the gas tank was empty. (Before you give me an "omg duh,in my defense the needle was not below E so how was I supposed to know). I sat there waiting while people honked at me like animals. What they wanted me to do, I'm not sure. Trust me people, if I had Superman strength and was able to pick up my car and move it over, I wouldve. Longer story short, my brother came, gas was put in the car, I went home and basically did a nose dive onto my bed.
While this situation did merit a FML, I learned a few valuable lessons:

1)Always put gas in your car. I thought I knew this already, but guess not.
2)Always pee before you leave somewhere. I thought I knew this also, but guess not. I must say tho, if there was an award for pee holding, ya girl here would win gold.
3)Be grateful to have siblings. While my brother is a pain in my ass sometimes, I am thankful to have someone to call at all hours of the night to help a girl out. Aww. Barf.
And last but not least
4) Never rub your eyes while wearing black eyeshadow. I got home looking like a lost cast member of the Incredibles. If anyone noticed this and didn't tell me. Dead.

PS seeing as how the weather is getting warmer, the "old" Melissa will be resurfacing and I'm sure there will be plenty o' more stories like this to come. Yay for you.
PPS I would also like to give a shout out to the girl in the picture above. Talk about not being able to hang. Someone should also tell her that she needs to invest in underwear. Thanks, bye.

Negative Nancy party of one

2010-03-05T10:35:00.001-08:00

Negative Nancy, Debbie Downer, bla bla, yes Ive been called it. Ever since I was a little baby child I have never been one to get super excited over things until they happen. Some may call it negative, I call it being realistic. In my mind the less you get excited over something,the less dissapointed you'll be if it doesn't happen and who likes dissapointment? Once things do occur, do get excited and know it and really wanna show it? Hell yeah. Those who have witnessed my being excited about something know its quite entertaining.
Do I rain on people's parades when they get prematurely excited? ( I know, that sounds funny. shush)No. So please don't rain on mine when I want to live in my Negative Nancy moment. Thaaaanks.

Soooooooo....

2010-03-05T10:26:00.000-08:00

Those of you who know me, know me, know that I rarely ever get excited about things until they are set in stone. (Blog on this to come) but there is a very high chance that I am...going to Italy bitch! Ciao, tutto bene, dove poso comprare il biglietti di treno and all that good ish.
More details to follow, if it happens. There goes my Negative Nanciness.

It's not you, it's me

2010-03-03T10:17:00.001-08:00

I was observing myself and wondering why it is that I find humor in so many things that I should not find humor in, such as the misfortunes of others. By misfortunes I mean people falling, slamming into things, being just plain wierd, etc. The answer to this would be : you would do it to me too. Yep, that's my justification.

Those who know me and have spent time with me know that I am one clumsy ass mofo and have awkward and embarrassing things happen to me all the time and everyone laughs, soooo what-ever. Some may call me mean, but I just call those people boring. I would also like to add, if I was this nice, sweet girl, life would just be no fun now would it?

Yo momma

2010-03-03T09:56:00.000-08:00

In conversation with two of my homegirls these past few days it has been brought to light that I am stubborn, impatient, chicken shit and oblivious. Aint gon' lie, I am all these things. I can't help it people, this is just how God made me. Deal with it. That's really all I wanted to say. Smooches.

"Is that a weave?"

2010-02-26T11:50:00.000-08:00

It has come to light that apparently I am strange because I am aware of different types of animals. Why, im not sure, but most of us are aware that my brain is full of useless "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader" facts.

Why the topic of an otter came about, I have no clue (how does anything I start talking about come about? Life's mysteries) but my friend, who shall remain anonymous, was not aware of what it was and thought I was a wierdo for knowing. What-ever.

The yak question came about, because I had posted on my Twitter that some girl came into our office chewing gum like a yak. I got several replies asking "wtf is a yak" I asked my homegirl last night if she knew what a yak was,her response " is that a weave" L.M.F.A.O No, it is not a weave, it is an animal people. Jeez.

This summer I assign all of you to go visit a zoo. Is it neccessary to learn about animals? No. But knowledge is power people. I think I stole that from a Taco Bell hot sauce pack.

PS Ive provided pictures of both so that there is no confusion as to whether these are animals or hair pieces.

New in the "Act like you been somewhere" Files

2010-02-26T10:22:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday night two of my homegirls went to this club in the city and for a little people watching, two-stepping and to play everyones favorite game "let's see how many freaks talk to Melissa".

Where to begin? Let's start with the chick outside of the bathroom.
The bathroom at this spot has many perks. It is unisex, only has one toilet. If that wasn't amazing planning on the planner's part, I really dont know what is. We go into the bathroom the first time, and all of a sudden the door starts pushing open. (the door didnt shut all the way either, another thumbs up.) My friend pushes back, then some chick starts knocking on it like crazy. Club etiquette and just common sense: if the door is closed, that pretty much means someone is in there, and if there are three people inside that means it may take some time, so calm the eff down. Thank you.

The Royal Rumble

For some reason everyone in that place was feeling quite violent. Three fights broke out, one in which I got my toe stepped on and swear it still hurts. I never understood why dudes start fighting especially in a club. Way to piss on everyone else's parade. If someone is annoying you just go find another spot in the club. Thank you again.

Don Chest Hair

I sat down for a moment due to a shoe malfunction and as I'm sitting there this dude who looked like he was growing a chia pet from his chest and pants tighter than me decides to shout out "YO!", I turn to look, he winks and blows a kiss at me. Barf-o-rama. At this point I kept repeating "Why lord do you hate me, so" and quickly turned away. Fellas, chest hair is just not cute, especially visible chest hair. Also, winking and blowing a kiss at a girl is really not going to get her to holla back at you. Well, not me at least.

The America's Next Best Dance Crew Reject

I saw this dude the last time I was at this place and he was even more fabulous than the last time. I understand you hear a good song, you get in the moment and wanna bust out in dance. That's what dance floors are for. However, please do not make the dance floor your own private studio and act as if you are auditioning for a Britney Spears video. Youre invading my dance space.

And last, but definitely not least, The Puker

I see the crowd part as if Moses was crossing the Red Sea and what do I see. Pukeville. It looked as if someone had taken a bucket of puke and thrown it all over the floor. People if the urge to puke is so great that you can not hold it in, maybe you should ease up on the drinking or Usain Bolt your ass to the bathroom. The last thing people want is puke on their feet.

Point of all this is when going out : Act like you been somewhere before. Trust me, itll make you a better person.

The champ is here....

2010-02-26T10:14:00.000-08:00

I hate to say I told you so , but I told you so. Some of you are aware of a bet that had taken place about a month ago and many of you said that I couldnt do it..weeeellll I did. In yo faces. I know, I thought about giving up many times, but I didnt. Now I can go back to my regularly scheduled programming and live in semi-peace. Dam, let a girl live.

PS If you are not aware of the bet, I'm sorry I can not share for security purposes. Thanks, bye.

No, no , no

2010-02-11T09:56:00.000-08:00

Ah the dreaded interview process. It sucks. No other way to put it.It's hard to know what exactly to say, do or wear. Seeing as how I'm on the other side of the desk now, I decided to try and give you kids some daily tips on what NOT to do when going for an interview. You can figure out the rest. Now, some of these things may seem like common sense, but you never know what's going to happen when you're sitting in that chair being grilled. So here goes, the first tip of the day:

When being offered a postion, please do not shout out "YAAAYYY!!!!!!!!".I know, you got a new job, its exciting, but please try and contain yourself and save your emotional outbursts for a few months down the line. A simple, "thank you, see you Monday" with a smile will suffice.

Good day.

:cricket, cricket:

2010-02-08T08:29:00.000-08:00

Ah Fridays. We all know my Friday nights would not be complete without something interesting happening.
This past Friday we went to Brooklyn Bowl for a friend’s bday. I consider myself to be pretty open minded ( yes I am the friend that will go pretty much anywhere at least once) but this place really wasn’t my scene. While the music was decent and the drinks were pretty cheap, the crowd was just a big thumbs down. The people were quite strange and looked as if they needed to be hosed down with some extra strength Lisol.
We were all hanging out by the bar, seeing as how there was a three hour wait to bowl (yes, three hours) and I spotted a cute guy, who of course I was not going to talk to because, lets be serious now kids. While I would normally keep my mouth shut and not say anything to one of my friends (most of us know why) I gave her the pass to go and talk to the dude and open up that door mostly out of boredom and I was just feeling out of character that night. (Temporary moment of insanity, blame it on the Redbull). Long story short, friend talks to the dude, brings him over, he and I start speaking and I must say it was the most agonizing few minutes of my life. Right off the bat it was obvious this dude and I had zero in common and he was just quite boring, to me at least. Thankfully someone came over to interrupt the convo and he left to go find his friends. Praise the lord.
The moral of this story is: don’t judge a book by its cover. Why I would think he would be interesting just because he was cute, I'm not sure. I guess the old saying "looks arent everything" does ring quite true. Don't say I dont teach you guys anything.

SMH moment of the day

2010-02-04T09:01:00.000-08:00

I wish someone could explain to me what girls get out of doing things like in the above photo. Call me judgmental, but I don’t see how shaking your ass cheeks in front of anyone can lead to something positive. The whole entering booty shaking contests so Ludacris can laugh at you for two seconds and the all wanting to be in a video phenomena really has me smh.
I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I watch MTV jams and think it is quite an easy life to get paid to stand around, bobbing your head to music and sipping on a drink. Come to think of it I do that on a weekly basis just not in front of a camera and I’m not getting paid for it. Life is so unfair.
Buuut, seriously. If anyone has an answer for me, holla so that I can cross it off my list of Life’s Mysteries.

Boredom has caused this

Since this is annoying...

"WORD" of the day: ....they say love and insanity are somewhat related....

...jumped in a wishing well/now wish me well....

Corn of the day

Family Affair

Beam me up Scotty

Just 'cause

And the first winner of the "Truuuuue Truuuue *Melissa voice*" Award goes to....

This song

Tell 'em why you mad son...or don't

He's heeeeere

Too much to ask? Apparently so

Aaaand this song....

And this song...

This song....

'Cause your Famous boy....

Party, party, let's all get....where is my purse?

Out with the old, in with the new

Good-bye Flow

Tick, Tock

Question of the Day?

If my Ipod could talk....

I mean....really

#Isityou

Old People Say the Darndest Things

@melisnis12 has muted you until...probably forever

Grassy Ass

"... glow of electric sex gleaming in the window..."

'Bout Time

Kill me

Finally...

"We're going to die..we are all going to die"

It was all a dream....

Either Love Me or Leave Me Alone

Why Sweet Jesus? Whyyyyyy?

I'll be movin on (Mya voice)

The answer is : pearls

First class seat on the Emotionally Retarded Express

Take a break from the VMA's and....

Boys, can't live with 'em and dam sure can't live without 'em..sigh

And the best song ever out right now award goes to....

I wish I could, but.....

"Learn Something New Everyday"

Can't We All Just Get Along

MTV, I'm ready

By the Power of Grayskull

Question of the Day

Ninja Please

Thats Way Harsh Tai

Um yeah so...

D. Wade who?

You'll shoot your eye out

Swoon

The Shallow Award Goes To...

Because guys are dumb

Hello, McFly

I have to...wash my hair

Nightmare on 249th St

The Friday Night Files

And the Best Text of the Day Award Goes to......

Everybody's a Suspect

What's for lunch?

"Hey, what's up"

Is it me or....?

Testing 1,dos,3...

"From downtooooown"

The Friday Night Files

New in the Groupie files

Don't Know....

The Friday Night Files

WWMD: What Would Meli Do?

Woosh

Wardrobe Malfunctions

"Put your phone away"

The Friday Night Files

"My friends they tell me I should leave you alone..." (that girl on that Jay-Z song voice)

Don't Let Me Down

The Friday Night Files

And you knoooow what I neeeeddddd....

And the first winner of the "Truuuuue Truuuue Melissa voice" Award goes to....