Gimme that groupie luuv

Ah groupies. Like the nester, these fab gals can be found in any club near you. Fellas beware, theyre everywhere. Some girls arent even aware that they fall under the groupie category. Im here to help you identify whether you are a groupie or not. If more than two of these applies to you then..congrats! Youre that girl that every rapper talks about. At least your kind is famous. So here goes.

You know youre a groupie when:

-You only go to clubs when an athlete or celebrity is set to be hosting
-You only go to clubs if you have access to VIP/bottle service
-You only talk to promoters when its time to go out
-You go to a club w no money in your pocket and search for dudes/promoters to get drinks for you
-You only talk to dudes to get drinks
-You stand near VIP or a table in hopes that a dude will call you over
-You talk to ppl in celebrities entourages in hopes to get close to the celeb
-While in Vegas or Miami you stalk hotels you athletes and celebs are going to be at

and last but not least You Know Youre a groupie when.....you deny that your a groupie but know deep down inside that you really are one. Its okay. Were not judging.Kinda.

"Ive never noticed how many freaks there are out there until I started hanging out with you"

That was what my friend said to me on Friday night. All I could do was lmao bc no one ever believes me until they witness it that no normal dudes ever talk to me. This weekends freak recap:

Fri night @ Highbar-Music was good we where doing our two step there where two cute dudes in there one of who was eyeing me and in my head I was going "Please come talk to me bc my shy self def aint going to talk to you". But what happened, cute dude did his whole eyeing thign the whole night but did not come talk to me. Drunken hot mess #1, perv #1 and drunken hot mess #2 all did though. Yay. One of them asked "do you want me to leave you alone" I politely replied "yes please" See I can be nice sometimes.


Sat night @Promenade-Yes I went there and actually it wasnt all that bad. I think I may have been one of two people who wasnt black in there but the music was good we posted our corner to avoid being rubbed on by anyone signaling the plane and swag surfing and had a good time. But here came the freaks to ruin the night. Or maybe highlight the night bc it is quite amusing to see these dudes talk to me.
One dude whos breath smelled of cigarrettes and two bottles of Henney asked me if he could kidnap me into the VIP section. Sorry homie your breath is kickin like Van Dam and you being in VIP aint changing that.
The next dude decided to stand in front of me the whole night periodically asking me the same question "why is 36 to old for you?" Finally he went away when I told him he was not age appropriate for me and I was not going to give him my number so pls leave me aloooone.
The next dude (dam I was pimpin last night) was drunkinly stuttering to the point that I had really no clue what he was saying. All i understood was "you, pretty" "like music" and "call you".. I just nodded and ignored till he went away.
The next dude didnt talk to me but I was really contemplating going up to talk to him bc he was super cute and def a "Melissa dude"...while he was sober. Througout teh night the dude got drunk and basically looked like he was sleeping at the bar. If youve ever seen someone sleeping standing up its the funniest thing. He then continues to wobble all around, his clothes started becoming more disheveled and I just got a smh from my friends with a "of course thats the dude you like"
While the freaks talking to me really sucks and has me sitting at home wondering what it is that dras these ppl to me, it really does make for quite an entertaining eveining and laughs for days.

Girls are crazy, Im glad I dont have to date them

I usually dont air out my bidness, but now Im getting annoyed. Some of you reading this may know what Im talking about, most of you wont bc again I dont like to air out my business via Facebook or Twitter bc basically I graduated JR high a loooong time ago ( dam Im old).
The basics of the story go like this: girl thinks Im having some kind of secret love affair w a dude,who ive become cool with, but really only communicate with through FB and say whats up to when I see him out, girl and friends (but mostly her friends) police my FB to see when I talk to said dude and let girl know and post FB statuses in reference to the issue. Sigh.

Ladies,Ladies,Ladies why must you act this way. If theres an issue especially involving a dude, I find it funny how girls are quick to blame the friend first. I also find it amusing as how girls use these social networks to speak about personal issues. I dont think I even acted like this in HS. A big part of me wants to just tell the dude whats going on to somehow clear my name (I usually dont care what ppl think of me but if its one thing I hate is to go around being bad mouthed for something I know is not true (Its come to the point that I try and avoid going places both parties will be at in order not to feed into anything else) buut no good can come of that and I dont want to stoop to the 12 yr old level, so I will just stay hushed (ah Christine remember that LOL-AC circa 2006). Much more to the story but hearing the rest would require a personal sit down over a Corona if youve got 3 hours.

Moral of the story: Some girls really never grow up no matter how old they are. Good luck to you fellas.

Only allowed in my house

Rainy day lead to last minute fiesta at Casa Ferman. Hot Messness was the theme of the night. Three people fell (including myself and Im still suffering from the aftermath lol), a pinata came, Pepe was played ( im gonna kill), drunk FB posts where received from people a kitchen table chair away, and mixing of alcohols that should not have been mixed occured.

Ah good times kids. From what I remember.

Last Friday was the best day in Melissa world Part 2

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...yes thats how I felt when I got BBMd and told that there was an extra ticket to the sold-out Jay-Z concert that I tried FIVE hours to get tickets for. Jay-Z is really my favorite rapper of all time (dont judge me). Ive been listening to the dude forever, know every one of his songs and have seen him in concert about 3 or 4 or 5 times. The very first time was back in '97 at Nassau Colliseum which btw was the best concert ever ( Diddy, Mase, Lil Kim, 112, Busta, Jay...ah I wanna go back).

The seats where awesome and the concert was off tha chain!!!!!! (Melissa's ghetto voice).I lost my voice a bit singing along with Mary and my arm hurt a bit the next day from throwing up the Roc sign (If you ever want to know when Im at my least shyest its at hip hop concerts and clubs. I always have one hand in the air and rhyme along like if I made the song. Im a dork I know) , but it was 1000%percent worth it.

PS Even tho everyone thinks hes an ass right about now, Kanye came out and put on a mini concert as well which def added to my best day in the worldness.

Last Friday was the best day ever in Melissa world Part 1

So last Friday I got to volunteer at the VMA Radio Forum. I got to do for a day what I ultimately want to do for the rest of my vida and it felt dam good. I got picked to escort Ryan Leslie around from radio booth to booth, ask him who he wanted to talk to and who he didnt want to talk to and basically what Ryan said, I did. Dude was talking to me like as if I bossed radio and tv people everyday ( ie: Ryan:"Im gonna go talk to MTV first bc its on TV so just tell Hot97 they have to wait" Me: "You got it"). Little did he and his manager know this was my first time that ive worked w celebs that I was actually allowed to talk to them and I was one nervous mofo. I know, I know, celebs are people too, but you try standing in a room,interacting with the likes of Raekwon, Kid Cudi, Fabolous (yes Fab, its me again), Twista, Wale, Young Joc, Rakim, Ryan Leslie, Smokey Robinson (why he was there I have no clue but he was super nice lol) and see how you cool you feel on the inside. Didnt let them see me sweat though. I did alot of "hey whats up" smiling and hand shaking like it was no big deal that I was shaking hands w ppl whos songs I listen to everyday. Nope, no biggie.
PS Ryan Leslie kissed me on the cheek when the day was over and I will never wash this cheek again. Kidding. I have washed my face since Friday.

You make me wanna throw my pager out the window....

I talk alot about stalkers because we all know thats all I attract. Thankfully nothing serious or scary, but just annoying. In speaking with some of my homeboys and girls you realize that some people just dont get it when they are stalking. Here are some rules to prevent yourself from being a stalker and/or make you realize that you are a stalker:

1)You text someone once they dont text you back. You text them again, its cool bc phones are stupid and maybe they didnt get your text. If they do not answer you back after that, DO NOT TEXT THEM AGAIN. One of my girls had some dude text her "Hey" everyday for two weeks. Nothing but "hey". My other homegirl has some dude text her "Hey hows work" "What are you up to?" "Why you gotta be so shady for" Ive been having some dude who seemed normal text me "Hey Luv" for the past 2 months on and off and everytime I see it I say sweet baby Jesus please leave me alone.

2)If you comment on someones FB/Myspace status, wall, picture and they never reply to you, guess what they dont wanna talk to you.

3)If you ask someone out and they say no and make up some bs excuse like I have to take my grandma to get the fungus removed from her toe, that person does not want to go out with you.

All these things really make me lose hope in humanity and get me scared to ever give any dude my phone number even if he seems normal. Because we all know looks can be deceiving. Lets remember a little movie called Fatal Attraction.