Nightmare on 249th St

Uuughhhh to the Uuggghhhh, wedding season has arrived. While this season usually does not affect or phase me, it seems as if everyone and literally their mother, around me is getting married and I'm invited. I think its great, I'm happy for my friends if they're happy but.......I need a date. Ah here I go, thinking of myself.
I have four weddings to go to and need a date for two of them. My ideal wedding date would be :

-non-boring
-non-annoying
-look good in a suit
-entertain me during the boring parts
-dance to at least one song which is not the cha cha slide
-non-boring
-non-annoying

Seeing as how I am batting zero in the dude department, itd really be grand if one of my dude friends would do me a solid and volunteer themselves. The upside of this would be you having the pleasure of my company for an evening and me loving you forever, but only as a friend. Did I mention free food and booze? Help a sista out.
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