These girls need Jesus..the real one.. not just some dude names Jesus

Looking through this site "TalkofNewyork.com" was a major field day for me.These where some of my favs. These girls need Jesus, along with bras, underwear and fyi's that they are not auditioning for King. Call me judgemental but these ladies just cause me to smh. And fellas, if you like this kinda stuff, please seek Jesus's help as well.

Ya let me down boys

We all know I love me some Chris Brown ( dont judge me) and Lil Wayne, but their new albums suck w a capital S-U-C-K.
Chris's album is all crying to Rihanna to come back to him and Weezy's is all let me try to rap to rock beats while I sip my sizzurp. Big sigh. Big, big sigh.

Theres only one song that have both of them on it that you kids know Im obsessed with. I need not say more.

Awkward party of one

When it comes to being around cute dudes my inner herb comes out. I dont know what it is but my shyness levels rise up and I get all Ugly Betty.
Example: The other day Im walking in the gym see a cute guy, he looks at me, I look back then try to rush out of there aaand almost slam into the water fountain. If that isnt smooth, I dunno what is.
Sometimes, even if I have no attraction to the dude ( it is possible to think someones good looking but not be attracted to them. If this doesnt make sense to you, it makes sense to me) I get all Rainman.
Everytime I go out I say im going to fix this, but it never happens. I think im just going to have to accept the fact that I am boy retarded. Nobodies perfect. (Kanye shrug)

He said whaaaat?!

I am the queen of getting weird dudes to talk to me. Queen Bee. Ive spoken about this many times because it just keeps happening.Im convinced that something is wrong with me, I just havent figured out what yet. Any ideas, please let me know.
While I may not really know whats the best way to approach a girl, I can tell you ways NOT to.

-Last night, Im walking by some dude and he blows into my ear full force. As if I was a piece of looseleaf paper and he was trying to get rid of eraser left overs. This did not make me go "hey!" it made me run away. Very fast. Do not do this.
-Do not inch your way towards a girl if you see her moving away. This means she is trying to get away from you. Im standing infront of the dj booth last night and I see these dudes stand infront of it a bit away from me. Theyre looking, im thinking "please no" They move closer, I move almost behind the booth in hopes this would stop their approach. Negative they still came over anyway. smh.
-Do not tell a girl you have a gf but its okay, we all need back up plans. I cant make these things up.
-If a girl tells you she has a bf, there is a big chance shes lying, but this is signal to walk away and leave us alone, not ask for our numbers.
-The staring game. Ugh to the mo-foin ugh. This has to be thee worst. Last Friday, this dude is looking at me, he was a cutie, I was like okay a Melissa type dude. Staring, staring, staring aaand nada.Ladies, if you are brave, then go over and talk to him because he aint coming to you. I wouldnt do that because we all know I am the biggest chicken there is, but you go girl, get yo man piece. Dudes, if the girl is staring back at you chances are shes diggin you back. Or maybe shes just wondering why youre creepily staring at her. Hopefully, for your sake, its the first.

"Youre annoying me"

Ah pet peeves. For those of you who know me, know me, know that I have a long list of these things. I know alot of these things annoy you too but youre just froontin(Pharell voice).I can't remember all of them right now but here are my top ones:

Pertaining to E-mails/BBM/FB:
-When people send chain e-mails telling me that if I dont forward it to 25 people in the next 2.5 seconds a ghost is going to come and shave my head in my sleep. Stop.sending.these
-When people write in all caps. TAKE THE CAP LOCK OFF.
-When people over use exclamation points. Idk, maybe its just be but I dont find it necessary to use them so much. Ya know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like calm down.
-When people over the age of 18 use "dis" "dat" "da" in place of the real words.
-When you read someones BBM and they write back "umm why arent you answering me" maybe im busy, maybe I dont know what to say, or maybe im just really not in the mood to converse at the moment. I know Im MS Chatterbox on BBM, but even I need some quiet time.

Pertaining to Twitter:
-When people Retweet everything and anything their friends say. If someone says something funny, or a cool quote or promoting an event okay. But I really do not need to see you retweeting that @princeofzamunda22 told you that your hair looks nice today. Plus you take up my whole time line and I cant see what anyone else is saying. You know Im nosey.
-When people tweet pics of themselves all.day.long. Enough said.
-When people tweet every step of their day. I know, I tweet alot of nonsense and thats what Twitter is for to update your status. However, we do not care that now youre walking down the stairs, and now youre getting on the train, aaand now youre sitting on the train.


These things may have been on your mind too and youre just afraid to say it because you do not want to sound hostile. Iiii dont care, just keepin it real ma dudes nah'm sayin. If anyone has anything to add to this list please feel free to advise.

Happy Bday

To the man HOV. Dam I hope im this cool when im 40. Who are we kidding, I will be. Ah kidding.

Okayyyyy

Went to the Rihanna Myspace show last night (thanks for the hook up homie!) and while I was a bit skeptical about seeing her live, she really did put on good show. It was a bit short but shout out to her for singing my anthem of '08 "Please Dont Stop The Music" ( you kids know I loves me that song).

While, I am still not a 100 percent full fledged Rihanna fan ever since she stole my man from me ( kidding) I must give props to the gal for doing her thing live.

I have no words

For once in my life I am speechless. So Im at the Rihanna show last night and the room is full of young teen not so straight black dudes(which for the record I have no problem with but the scene just needs to be described to get the full effect of this post), chillin, bumpin my head to the music, when all of a sudden my friend grabs my arm and says "OH.MY.GOD!" I turn to look and see this piece of sexiness standing infront of us.
Not only did he have a mullet, but he was wearing acid wash PURPLE MC hammer pants. I wasnt sure if maybe he was in some sort of time warp and accidently got dropped off in the year 2009, was meant to be at the boxing event next door, or confused the dates and maybe thought this was the Billy Ray Cyrus comeback tour (that is not happening dont get excited).
In any case, he had his camera out and was rockin out along w the rest of the crown to RiRi. Guess she really does have quite a large, eclectic fan base.

PS I think I found the words to describe the pic :HAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHHAHA..thats all.

A to the men

Rule of thumb:::If ppl say crap about you thats not true,, IT SHOULD NOT AFFECT YOU OR UR MOOD -Rev Run

Im guilty, but lesson learned. Just "fk that" , keep it moving and let others waste their energy on nonsense.

Thanks kids!

Alot of you say you read my blog here and there and enjoy it sooo gracias for reading. I know Im retarded and you love it :)

Drool

I know hes a girl beater, but I still love this song and think he and his tattoos are one dam fine young man. Dont judge me.

When did this happen???

Sooo my bdays coming up right after New Years (room 112 where the playas dwell!). Those who know me know Im all about the birthdays. Mine, yours, anyones I encourage celebration of the day you where born. Unless you really suck as a person , then we should be mourning this day. Ahhh kiddding.
Someone asked me how old I was turning, I said 26. Then said wait. a. dam.second. Im going to be 27. When in the name of baby Jesus did my going into my late 20's happen? I feel like it was just yesterday I turned 21.
I normally thought that when I reached this age my life would be a hella of alot diff and Id be ready to fall into a deep depression. But really besides a few things here and there my life aint that bad and I really am not gonna cry about turning 25+2. Now when I turn 30...thats a whole 'nother story.

Happy 2010

Okay so not yet. But I always say im gonna make New Years Resolutions and I do. Now if I stick to them is a whole different story. Buuuut this time, I mean business. I do.
Here are my resolutions that I hope to keep for the new year:

1) I am the master advice giver. I am. But my biggest advice whenever people have got something that, in the long run is dumb shit, I tell em to simply "Fk that" So my resolution is to follow my own advice and really try to not get bothered by petty crap like I have been stressing over for the past few months. There are really more important things in life to worry about. Like how to prevent yourself from contracting swine flu and how I can get Chris Brown to fall madly in love with me. Kidding about the second. I swear.

2)Saving money. I am a broke ass mofo at the moment and I aint got noone to blame but myself. So I will try to skip that second drink, forgo the daily latte and paper bag my lunch to work. Even though eating bologna and cheese for lunch everyday really isnt good for my diet. But, hey , at least ill be a few dollars richer. Fat people are quite jolly anyway, look at Santa.

3)Being less shy. This has been my resolution since about New Years 1989 and Ive never stuck to it. Aaand I wont do it now but its nice to think about and lets just pretend.

Ive got a month to think about some others that will prob be useless, unless one of them is to go out more. I think I can do that.

Act like you been somewhere before

Ah the Mester, the brotha to the Nester. This dude is most often spotted at any place that contains alcohol. Day or night. This is the dude thats stumbling around, eyes half open, shirt off wearing a wife beater, pants about to fall off his ass, knocking into people, looking at girls as if hes never seen one before and/or having his friends carrying him out of the spot. While these dudes are a blast to laugh at, theyre effin annoying as hell when youre at a club and theyre bumping into you or attempting to try and speak to you w their horrendous breath that almost burns your eye brows off.
If you live in NY and have been to M2 you know what Im talking about. While these dudes can be spotted practically anywhere, this place is mester heaven. Example:
Wed night everyone and their baby mommas was there for TGE. Lots of dudes acting like it was their first time at a club and theyd just discovered alcohol. This one dude was leaning against my back like I was a dam pole and did he feel it, of course not. He was walking around w his eyes closed, dragging his feet, swaying from side to side...aaand it wasnt even 1 am.

The moral of this babbling is: Dam son act like you been somewhere before. Its one thing to get twisted but if you can handle your alcohol and are acting a fool and ruining your friends nights than either a) stay home or b) switch to Redbulls minus the vodkas. Well all be thankful.

This is not a video homie and you aint Jay-Z

There are alot of things dudes wear in clubs that I just dont understand. Here goes:

Bubble Vests-youre inside. Unless they have the AC blasting and its an Alaskan themed party, leave it at the coat check.

Ski hats-please see above.

Bubble coats-Please see above.

Chains that look like they weigh about 50 lbs and make your neck go down like a Ninja Turtle- No ones gonna believe its real and it looks dumb. Leave it at home. Or just sell it and buy yourself something nice.

And last but certainly not least, my favorite of all time: Sunglasses-There is no sun.Period. If youre afraid your baby momma, jumpoff, gf or parole officer is gonna recognize you or if you just got Lasik and are scared a strobe light is gonna zap you in the eyeball and just cause all hell, then maybe put a paper bag over your head because that will look less dumbass-ish.

The moral of the story is: unless youre being an extra in someone's video or are actually Jay-Z, leave these ensembles at home. Thank you.

You know youre a bad friend if...

Throughout my clubbing "career" I have made many observations. The biggest ones come down to girls and their friends. Especially the nesters. There is always one friend in the group who you have to just shake your head at. Sometimes, its the whole group of friends that you shake your head at. These girls need not go out anymore. Actually, they need to because they just make my night better.
For that one girl in the group I always look at her friends and wonder why they do not stop said girl from acting like shes never been anywhere before. If this is you, than you are a bad friend.
You know you are a bad friend if:

-Youre at a club, its 11pm , your one friend is rockin out, jumpin on tables, partying like its 4am...and you just sit there watching her. Tell that b*tch to sit down and hold off for another hour or so.
-Your friend is intoxicated and talking to a dude who resembles Fonz Worth Bentley on crack, Napolean Dynamite or Rick Ross...and you just sit there and watch her.
-Your friend is puking in the bathroom, banging against walls, trippin over people...and you just sit there wondering where the hell she is for two seconds then go back to doing your two-step.
-Your friend walks out of the house with muffin top, spandex in places spandex should not be allowed or sandals with her toes looking like theyre trying to commit suicide off of the shoe...and you say "ohh girl you look cute" you know dam well she does not

While this does prove highly entertaining for the rest of us, its really just not nice. Then again, maybe you shouldnt try to help her because then who will I make fun of?..ah the decisions in life.

Ms.Movie Phone gives it.....

A thumbs up and a thumbs down. Everyone's been talking about this movie so I went to see it and was eh about it. There where about 2 scenes that where super disturbing and one that made me, yes me, cry. Other than that I thought it kinda dragged on and was a bit too long. Def a wait for it to come on Demand-er.

But if you dont want to listen to me, then go see it. And I love to say I told you so, so hit me up on BBM after youve seen it.

You can not come soon enough (exclamation points to the upteenth power)

One of my favorite songs of all time..dont judge me

Whenever this song comes on my Ipod I get flashbacks of when music was better, in my opinion. Fox, Case..comeback!

One mystery of life

Why, whenever this song comes on, do girls at a club or bar go crazy?

Idk how she does it

I was cursed with the shyness gene. Alot of you that dont know me too well may say to yourself "you? shy? yeah okay" Im not shy about cracking on people, making jokes, talking to strangers, etc. Buuut when it comes to matters of the opposite sex Helloo shy girl.
One of my friends, who seriously needs Jesus in her life and maybe an exorcism, but we love her, has absolutely no qualms about going up and talking to dudes. Mainly for others, but still lol. Last Friday we where out, I said out loud "Oh that dude is cuuuute" she says "ill be right back" and there she came with the dude and his homeboy. I had OH>EM>MOther>EFfin>GEE written all over my face (those who witnessed the first Erika going to say something to a dude event know what this face looks like..sheer terror and if I was white youd prob see some shades of red). But whatever, it was done.

Point of all this is that I really need to start taking lessons on how not to give a eff. Life is short and we aint gettin any younger. And if you have a little kindergarten crush on someone, just let em know. Or just ask Erika to do it for you. Shes on Facebook.

"Where do you find these people?"

I have not shared the news with all, but I got a new job. I am currently working in the HR department for Ricky's. Not my dream job, but its on my list of things I dont mind doing, mainly because during this season I get to make fun of people. All.Day.Long. I really dont know where these people come from and how they survive in life. Im not exactly splitting atoms either, but I have a brain enough to pass judment on these people. You would too.
You see their geniusness especially when they are filling out paper work and calling the office. Here are some examples of the Einsteinness Vanessa and me encounter all day long.
On the phone:
Boy:" Hi, can I speak to Vanessa?"
Me:"Sure where are you calling from?"
Boy: Pause..Pause..Pause.."My cellphone?"

Boy:" Hi how can I apply for a job?"
Me:" Go into a store and fill out an application"
Boy:" But the stores closed!"
Me:"So go when its open"
Boy:" Oh, Okay"
Okay, I couldve been a bit nicer.

Me:"Hi thank you for calling RICKYS this is Melissa speaking"
Girl:" Hi is this Party City?"

When filling out paper work here are things we have seen..I can not make these things up:

Status (Here any normal person would put Single or Married): Dating, boyfriend, girlfriend, single :(. unmarried, never married, ?, x

Emergency contact (Here any normal person would put who you want us to call God-Forbid something happened and what that person is to you): 911, relationship:"good", relationship: "baby daddy", relationship :none

Date of Birth: Whatever their birthday is, year :2009, on more than one form

Questions weve gotten:
"I dont have a real Social Security number yet, can I use my fake one?"
"Ive been walking up and down the block and cant find the store. Does it say Rickys?"
"Do you have cameras like allll over the store?"
"My probation officer has to call you, is that okay?"


Again, I can not make these things up and while I do get annoyed at all the dumbness and have lost faith in the NYC public school system, it gives me quite the amount of entertainment throughout the day. Party Time.

Gimme that groupie luuv

Ah groupies. Like the nester, these fab gals can be found in any club near you. Fellas beware, theyre everywhere. Some girls arent even aware that they fall under the groupie category. Im here to help you identify whether you are a groupie or not. If more than two of these applies to you then..congrats! Youre that girl that every rapper talks about. At least your kind is famous. So here goes.

You know youre a groupie when:

-You only go to clubs when an athlete or celebrity is set to be hosting
-You only go to clubs if you have access to VIP/bottle service
-You only talk to promoters when its time to go out
-You go to a club w no money in your pocket and search for dudes/promoters to get drinks for you
-You only talk to dudes to get drinks
-You stand near VIP or a table in hopes that a dude will call you over
-You talk to ppl in celebrities entourages in hopes to get close to the celeb
-While in Vegas or Miami you stalk hotels you athletes and celebs are going to be at

and last but not least You Know Youre a groupie when.....you deny that your a groupie but know deep down inside that you really are one. Its okay. Were not judging.Kinda.

"Ive never noticed how many freaks there are out there until I started hanging out with you"

That was what my friend said to me on Friday night. All I could do was lmao bc no one ever believes me until they witness it that no normal dudes ever talk to me. This weekends freak recap:

Fri night @ Highbar-Music was good we where doing our two step there where two cute dudes in there one of who was eyeing me and in my head I was going "Please come talk to me bc my shy self def aint going to talk to you". But what happened, cute dude did his whole eyeing thign the whole night but did not come talk to me. Drunken hot mess #1, perv #1 and drunken hot mess #2 all did though. Yay. One of them asked "do you want me to leave you alone" I politely replied "yes please" See I can be nice sometimes.


Sat night @Promenade-Yes I went there and actually it wasnt all that bad. I think I may have been one of two people who wasnt black in there but the music was good we posted our corner to avoid being rubbed on by anyone signaling the plane and swag surfing and had a good time. But here came the freaks to ruin the night. Or maybe highlight the night bc it is quite amusing to see these dudes talk to me.
One dude whos breath smelled of cigarrettes and two bottles of Henney asked me if he could kidnap me into the VIP section. Sorry homie your breath is kickin like Van Dam and you being in VIP aint changing that.
The next dude decided to stand in front of me the whole night periodically asking me the same question "why is 36 to old for you?" Finally he went away when I told him he was not age appropriate for me and I was not going to give him my number so pls leave me aloooone.
The next dude (dam I was pimpin last night) was drunkinly stuttering to the point that I had really no clue what he was saying. All i understood was "you, pretty" "like music" and "call you".. I just nodded and ignored till he went away.
The next dude didnt talk to me but I was really contemplating going up to talk to him bc he was super cute and def a "Melissa dude"...while he was sober. Througout teh night the dude got drunk and basically looked like he was sleeping at the bar. If youve ever seen someone sleeping standing up its the funniest thing. He then continues to wobble all around, his clothes started becoming more disheveled and I just got a smh from my friends with a "of course thats the dude you like"
While the freaks talking to me really sucks and has me sitting at home wondering what it is that dras these ppl to me, it really does make for quite an entertaining eveining and laughs for days.

Girls are crazy, Im glad I dont have to date them

I usually dont air out my bidness, but now Im getting annoyed. Some of you reading this may know what Im talking about, most of you wont bc again I dont like to air out my business via Facebook or Twitter bc basically I graduated JR high a loooong time ago ( dam Im old).
The basics of the story go like this: girl thinks Im having some kind of secret love affair w a dude,who ive become cool with, but really only communicate with through FB and say whats up to when I see him out, girl and friends (but mostly her friends) police my FB to see when I talk to said dude and let girl know and post FB statuses in reference to the issue. Sigh.

Ladies,Ladies,Ladies why must you act this way. If theres an issue especially involving a dude, I find it funny how girls are quick to blame the friend first. I also find it amusing as how girls use these social networks to speak about personal issues. I dont think I even acted like this in HS. A big part of me wants to just tell the dude whats going on to somehow clear my name (I usually dont care what ppl think of me but if its one thing I hate is to go around being bad mouthed for something I know is not true (Its come to the point that I try and avoid going places both parties will be at in order not to feed into anything else) buut no good can come of that and I dont want to stoop to the 12 yr old level, so I will just stay hushed (ah Christine remember that LOL-AC circa 2006). Much more to the story but hearing the rest would require a personal sit down over a Corona if youve got 3 hours.

Moral of the story: Some girls really never grow up no matter how old they are. Good luck to you fellas.

Only allowed in my house

Rainy day lead to last minute fiesta at Casa Ferman. Hot Messness was the theme of the night. Three people fell (including myself and Im still suffering from the aftermath lol), a pinata came, Pepe was played ( im gonna kill), drunk FB posts where received from people a kitchen table chair away, and mixing of alcohols that should not have been mixed occured.

Ah good times kids. From what I remember.

Last Friday was the best day in Melissa world Part 2

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...yes thats how I felt when I got BBMd and told that there was an extra ticket to the sold-out Jay-Z concert that I tried FIVE hours to get tickets for. Jay-Z is really my favorite rapper of all time (dont judge me). Ive been listening to the dude forever, know every one of his songs and have seen him in concert about 3 or 4 or 5 times. The very first time was back in '97 at Nassau Colliseum which btw was the best concert ever ( Diddy, Mase, Lil Kim, 112, Busta, Jay...ah I wanna go back).

The seats where awesome and the concert was off tha chain!!!!!! (Melissa's ghetto voice).I lost my voice a bit singing along with Mary and my arm hurt a bit the next day from throwing up the Roc sign (If you ever want to know when Im at my least shyest its at hip hop concerts and clubs. I always have one hand in the air and rhyme along like if I made the song. Im a dork I know) , but it was 1000%percent worth it.

PS Even tho everyone thinks hes an ass right about now, Kanye came out and put on a mini concert as well which def added to my best day in the worldness.

Last Friday was the best day ever in Melissa world Part 1

So last Friday I got to volunteer at the VMA Radio Forum. I got to do for a day what I ultimately want to do for the rest of my vida and it felt dam good. I got picked to escort Ryan Leslie around from radio booth to booth, ask him who he wanted to talk to and who he didnt want to talk to and basically what Ryan said, I did. Dude was talking to me like as if I bossed radio and tv people everyday ( ie: Ryan:"Im gonna go talk to MTV first bc its on TV so just tell Hot97 they have to wait" Me: "You got it"). Little did he and his manager know this was my first time that ive worked w celebs that I was actually allowed to talk to them and I was one nervous mofo. I know, I know, celebs are people too, but you try standing in a room,interacting with the likes of Raekwon, Kid Cudi, Fabolous (yes Fab, its me again), Twista, Wale, Young Joc, Rakim, Ryan Leslie, Smokey Robinson (why he was there I have no clue but he was super nice lol) and see how you cool you feel on the inside. Didnt let them see me sweat though. I did alot of "hey whats up" smiling and hand shaking like it was no big deal that I was shaking hands w ppl whos songs I listen to everyday. Nope, no biggie.
PS Ryan Leslie kissed me on the cheek when the day was over and I will never wash this cheek again. Kidding. I have washed my face since Friday.

You make me wanna throw my pager out the window....

I talk alot about stalkers because we all know thats all I attract. Thankfully nothing serious or scary, but just annoying. In speaking with some of my homeboys and girls you realize that some people just dont get it when they are stalking. Here are some rules to prevent yourself from being a stalker and/or make you realize that you are a stalker:

1)You text someone once they dont text you back. You text them again, its cool bc phones are stupid and maybe they didnt get your text. If they do not answer you back after that, DO NOT TEXT THEM AGAIN. One of my girls had some dude text her "Hey" everyday for two weeks. Nothing but "hey". My other homegirl has some dude text her "Hey hows work" "What are you up to?" "Why you gotta be so shady for" Ive been having some dude who seemed normal text me "Hey Luv" for the past 2 months on and off and everytime I see it I say sweet baby Jesus please leave me alone.

2)If you comment on someones FB/Myspace status, wall, picture and they never reply to you, guess what they dont wanna talk to you.

3)If you ask someone out and they say no and make up some bs excuse like I have to take my grandma to get the fungus removed from her toe, that person does not want to go out with you.

All these things really make me lose hope in humanity and get me scared to ever give any dude my phone number even if he seems normal. Because we all know looks can be deceiving. Lets remember a little movie called Fatal Attraction.

NYC Nightlife is dead

NYC nightlife is dead. Idk when this happened, how it happened or why it happened but its happened. Some of you may beg to differ, but as a person whos been going out like it was my job for the past four years I can tell you that shit aint what it used to be. I was in a going out funk until I went to Vegas which, in my opinion, has some of the best clubs ever (Miami after that) then came back here and was like wtf?

I used to go out Tuesday through Saturday. This may be why im so tired now, its all catching up with me. Now, Ill do it once or twice a week just to get out of the house and go have a drink and do a little two step and make fun of people. Laughter is the best medicine people.

Idk if its the djs that have changed or the people or what. Maybe its me.
Lotus,Gypsy Tea, Aer,Strata, Duvet, Ruby Falls, Glo, Embassy, Home, Guesthouse, Myst, Rock Candy, Stereo,Sol even Highline and Mansion up until a few months ago..I miss you. Please come back.

The Nester

Ah the Nester. Some of my FB stalkers (ahem lol) have seen me and one of my FB buddies throw this word around and asked WTF is a nester, a nestee, nesterville, what is that.
Well Im glad you asked.
A nester is basically that chick in a club who is just a pure hot mess. You may know one, you've all seen them, hell maybe you even are one. If you are its okay were not judging. Actually we are so you best fix yourself asap.
Its that girl in the club whos hair is all messed up lookin like she just walked through a wind tunnel (or like a rats nest , which is how this word came about, from this lovely description), outfit all discombobulated (spelling?), shoes in hand, falling over, dancing to the DJ in her head, drink spilling..you know this girl.
The nester is mostly seen after the 1 am mark although there have been occasions of nestation occuring before 12. This nester needs an intervention.

Weve all been there. Ive been there ( Hellooo Vegas MDW 2005, if you where there you know what Im talking about and no I will not share with the class) but when its a weekly occurence thats when you know its time to hang those lucite heels up and find Jesus.


PS the pic above is a prime example. This chick was spotted during MDW in Vegas walking through the Mirage casino. Not only is her outfit a traceuous (spelling?) but she walked out of the club with toilet paper on BOTH of her shoes and her hair was up in some sort of blonde, greasy beehive. Shout out to Devan aka D-Boi from Dallas for catching this excellent moment (see its not just me who snaps pics of the less fortunate)

PPS If I see this word end up on urbandictionary.com without my permission I will sue for word stealing or just come and tae bo your butt. I can side kick and jab like nobodys business.

I need a Facebook break

Facebook has many pros and cons. Heres my list.

Pros:
Allows you to reconnect and connect with people you may have lost touch with or never even knew existed. This can be good or bad depending on who it is but for the most part its good.

Thats it.

Cons:
Its addicting.

It allows people to stalk you. This is the main and biggest con id say there is. I can be honest and say that I really do not look at people's pages. This may be surprising coming from a FB addict like myself but I really dont. If you upload a picture and it looks interesting than Ill view your album. Otherwise I really do not care that Billy Bob wrote on your wall or that youre attending a beer crawl. Also I usually only go on FB via my phone so I dont get alerted that you where tagged in an album from last weekend.
If you wanna stalk me thats perfectly fine. But please use it for good and not for evil. I was most recently being stalked and turned out was involved in a drama and had no clue. (Funny story that needs to be told in person lol)

People complain too dam much. I get it life sucks sometimes. Trust the FML queen over here. I know. But I really do not need to see a status every five seconds asking why do people lie, why are people shady or that dammit to all hell its Monday again! Monday comes every week and we all have to work. Thats just how life is.

I know I update my status ALOT. But I try to make them lighthearted and funny for your reading pleasure.

The end.

Didnt really like Paris but..

I love this song. For some reason makes me feel like im sitting at some bujee sidewalk restaurant down in South Beach at 11 am drinking a mimosa..because hey it has OJ so it must be good for you.

NO PICTURES, im gonna recycle my outift

Always go with your gut instincts. Always. Always. I always say this and never listen but maybe this time I will.
Saturday night something was telling me to stay home. The little voice inside my head kept saying "Dont do it" buut you kids know me, I never listen to anyone. I forced myself to get dressed and headed to Mansion ( I know its M2 now, whatever, that name is retarded). I havent been to Mansion on a Saturday in a hot minute so didnt know what to expect. I heard Kid Cudi was doing a party there this upcoming Sat and my friends had gone last week and said it was decent so I had a bit of hope. That hope was squashed and washed away as soon as I stepped behind that little red rope. Entering the club where European guidos ( similar to the US guido,Affliction and Ed Hardy shirts, spiked hair containing maybe a life time's supply of LA Looks, big belts..but the Euro ones also like to wear their super tight button downs with a few buttons on the top open to show off that sexy chia pet growth underneath. mmm mmm)and the girls. Oh the girls. The girls where the kinda girls I like to call "nesters" (post on that later).
For those of you who have been to LQs, the Copa, Crobar and Strata when they went downhill, these girls where those kinda girls that go/went to those places. Stringy, greasy hair, pastel dresses with chains and cuts places that chains and cuts should not be, ass cheeks and cellulite hanging out, clear heels....just pure classiness. I stayed in this fiesta of sexiness for about half an hour then sadly had to leave bc of a door incident with my other friends I was supposed to meet up with. GOD BLESS THE DOOR MAN. This will probably be the only time I will say this.
I was contemplating going home at this point bc I was already in a bad mood and just wanted to go spend some QT with my bed and DVR but was peer pressured to move on to the next venue. You kids are lucky that youre the cheese to my macaroni.
We hopped in a cab and I must say this was the BEST part of the whole night. My Bberry is being a d-bag and not letting me upload the video but when I figure it out, this video will be put up here. Basically one of my homegirls, Rikki, gets into it with the cab driver about how they think they run this town (oooh oooh ooh oohh (Rihanna voice) ah corniness lives) and how they cant just cut accross traffic like "a wild bat out of hell". The convo was about 5 minutes long and had me snorting the whole ride. PS we asked and El , the cabbie, does not have Facebook.
We get to Pranna, looks like a decent place, but as soon as we stepped inside it was like someone had pushed me into a Bollywood nightmare. I got stepped on about 25 times, some dude with a shirt that resembled a picnic table cloth from Jacks 99 cent store kept trying to take pics with us and some dude asked if I could get up so that he could sit down. The DJ also went on to play "I got a feelin" and that Sean kingston song asking someone to call 911 because shawtys got a fia burnin THREE TIMES EACH. THREE TIMES. Someone mentioned to me that it sounded like I was in hell. It surely felt that way.
The only things that made me last where watching Brynn, our token Jamaican friend whos really Irish but can pon de river and row the boat like nobodys bidness, get hit on by a guy with turban and the 10 girls come in through the door with Rikkis same dress on "OH HELL NO!!!!" lmfao...laughter really can cure anything

The moral of the story is always trust your gut kids. If it says stay home and watch repeats of Bridezillas then thats what you do.

"I have a boyfriend"..."Me too"

Yes this is what a dude said to me last night. Heres how the convo went:
Dude:"Scuse me miss can I talk to you for one second" ( I was very tempted to be like "ya just did!" buut I refrained")
Me:"Nah Im leaving"
Dude:"Before you go can I get your number Id like to get to know you better"
Me:"No, sorry I have a boyfriend" (we know this is a lie but its an almost sure fire way to get rid of a dude..tho lately it hasnt been working all too well)
Dude:"Thats okay , me too"

So I can now add "homothugs" to the list of people I attract. Score.

"Is that a weave?"

When my hair was longer..so up to like 2 wks ago...ive had about 5146574986579 girls ask me if I was wearing a weave. Black girls, spanish girls, white girls...some have even asked to touch my hair to see make sure I wasnt lying. Idk whether to be flattered that you think my hair looks like I just bought it or insulted. The jury's still out.
Anywhoo, this movies coming out in October and looks effin hilarious bc Chris Rock is in my book one of the funniest people alive. It also looks super interesting bc I was not aware that you can put a weave on lay away and they get some from India. PS white and spanish girls get weaves too. Dont let them fool you.

"It was like Aesop hit me in the eyeball"

Again with the Saturday night. It really gave me much inspiration for the previous 54567845456 posts and can safely say it was the most fun Ive had in a while.
Anwyhoo, amongst the many discussions in the car, I forget what we where talking about but I think it was something along the lines of dating people your friends have dated or some touchy subject like that and I just blurted out "Honestly everyone just needs to do what makes them happy and get over it."
This quote apparently turned me into a philosopher according to Jay. I knew I shouldve applied to Harvard.

Two albums I need in my life

Because you know ya girl loves everything Jay say Jay does...and I love me some slow jams and this dudes really about the only one bringing em right now.

White girls gone wild

She told me not to put it on Facebook. She didnt say anything about a blog. I heart you my little freckled Irish friend.
And yes that is me cackling in the background. I wish I was blessed with a normal laugh.

"Why is it that the dudes you want to stalk you dont and those other ones do"

Thought of the week from the American Association of Stalkees.

Cream on the outside Clean on the inside

I was down in Ga and along with every Young Jeezy song I heard the sweet sounds of this lil tune caressing my ear drums. It should come to no surprise that I have been playing this on repeat on my Ipod because ya'll know I luuuv me sum jawnts from tha duurty ya heard. Okay, that was my ghetto talk for the day.

Wierdo/stalker magnet numero uno

I am a wierdo magnet. I am also a stalker magnet.
Sat night (this past Sat night was very eventful I must say) some dude w a ponytail comes up to me and starts talking nonsense then goes "Ill be back later" I responded "Oh thank God"..sadly he did not hear me. Later on he did come back asked me for my number and I gave it to him just so he could go away. I have a terrible habit of doing this because really its the only way some dudes will go away because the "i have a bf " excuse really doesnt cut it anymore. I later go on to find out this dude knows someone I know but hopefully we shall not run into each other again.
Later on in the night my friend and me are dancing and these two dudes come up to us and one of them goes to me "You are either a hand model or a dancer" WHAT IN THE FRENCH FKIN TOAST is a hand model and why in Gods green earth would you say that to someone.
Then some other guy later tells me he works for the club and if I give him my number hell get me in free anytime I want. Ill pay the cover if I have to t hanks.

If anyone could explain to me why when I go out to a club or a bar the wierdest guys in there come an talk to me Ill be your best friend for life. I will probably be eternally single because of this and I dont even like cats to be an old cat lady. So sad.

"Melissa Janet Ferman..straight to the bottom"

Sat night I went out with some of my HS lovas and crew. I love these kids. Always a guaranteed good time (altho there was a brief situation of a semi spot blowing up and me being embarrassed so much to the point that I wanted to go home crawl under the covers and never come out, but a few Saporis and reggae songs later I got over it and the situation will not be discussed).
So we get in the car and start having usual nonsense discussions and the three people in the car with me each made the remark "Melissa youre going to hell". I make fun of people alot. Like alot alot. I laugh uncontrollably when people fall, dance funny, and are just plain wierd. Some of you get it, some of you dont. Those of you who dont. Youre boring and I probably dont really like you anyway. And not for nothing (famous Melissa words) Im sure there are people out there who make fun of me too. Like when I laugh so hard that a snort comes out, or when I trip every five seconds, or when I say "THATS MA SOOOOONG" to almost every song that comes on in a club then immediatly stop dancing when a song I hate comes on (if youve experienced this short bus scene you know what im talking about).
So while the idea of spending the after life in major heat ( you guys know how I get when its super hot) I will risk eternal damnation just to make you kids chuckle. Im a great friend. and I hope God knows I would never make fun of him.

This show is effin stupid

When I first heard about True Blood, I was like hmm okay this looks like a good show that Ill prob like. Hit the buzzer on that one. Ive tried to watch it a couple of times and realized that it really is a semi-vampire/hillbilly rated R almost porno. Almost everyone I know loves this show and really do not get it. And that chick that won an Oscar for her role in The Piano with the huge gap in her teeth really irks the shit out of me. But thats a whole 'nother discussion.

Why I hate clowns

Many of you who know my fear of clowns have asked me why..I think this is explanation enough.

Things I have learned this summer

Summer is almost over (I wish winter could go by this fast) and I have learned a few things that will hopefully help me make better choices in the future. And by future I mean Fall. My top five things I have learned are:

1)If your ever in a funk..take a trip to Vegas. Trust me, you'll feel better.
2)Always trust your Shady Mc Shadester radar. If you think the dude/girl is shady from the get-go, they probably are.
3)Even if shit sucks take a cue from Tupac and keep ya head up.
4)Always close the zipper on your purse or have a reliable friend hold your belongings.
and last but not least
5) Never fall asleep in a car because your friends will take pictures of you even if your undergarments are showing. I hate you guys.

If you can afford these...

Get em. I sure as hell can't but theyre nice to look at.

Why you should never judge a book by its cover and why maybe I should just start staying home

So Saturday night we..and by we I mean Vladimir, Vanessa and myself..got invited to a party out in the Hamptons for our homeboys sneaker release party and of course I was in there to support our boy and bc you mention the word party and you know it doesnt take much to get me there unless im sick or have noone to go with. Oh and Fabolous was set to perform and we all know ive been his number one fan since Holla Back Youngin (woo woo) 's debut. And for those who have questioned..I really do like him only because of his music. Really.
We get there, place was kinda small but the music was good and the bartender was very generous on her liquor proportions so all was good in the hood. As soon as Fab was about to perform we decided to move closer to his spot and this is when the fun began. I dont know how it happened but someone knocked into me causing my purse to fall on the ground and all of its contents falling out and being kicked around in a matter of seconds. So instead of enjoying my dudes performance I was roaming around like a reatard looking for all my shit which was consisted of my chapstick, my eyeliner, a tank top, my $20 and all important my phone.
Two of the dudes in Fab's entourage and one of the security personnel (shout out to the dude in the orange and black Adidas jacket and Keith the savior of the night. If you need protecting at any event, I have his card.) see me in distress and start helping me look for my crap. I felt quite special because they were pushing people out of the way (all while Fab is performing 6 inches away from me) flashing lights on the floor, I didnt know whether to crack up or continue being worried about my stuff. Eventually the guy in the Adidas jacket says he saw some "white dude" pick up my license and he supposedly told him to give it to the DJ. He then looks down and sees the back of my phone my chapstick and 20 bucks and hands that over. Keith walks me over to the door guys and t hey let me know someone turned my phone in so I could breathe a sigh of relief now.
The reason why I say you sh ould never judge a book by its cover because normally with all those dudes there I really wouldve expected someone to jack my phone and my $20 but they pulled a Spike Lee and did the right thing and turned em in. Im sure Fab hands t hem down many 20s and phones so there was no need to take mine, but still.
And the reason I say maybe I should start staying home is because something happens to me almost everytime I go out. But then if I stayed home I wouldnt have all these fantastic stories to tell you. So Ill think about it.

What Happens in Vegas...

Even though I vowed never to go back that God forsaken city Im being "forced" in a way sooo..Im goin goin back back to Vegas Vegas.

Why did I vow never to go back to that city again? Well, I'm glad you asked. For those of you who arent aware of why Vegas is now highlighted and starred on my list of things and people I have a love/hate relationship with, here goes.

Last February, I went to spend a romantic Valentines Day wknd in LA and Vegas with my cousin and her two best friends. Not very romantic but this is what single gals do on that dam holiday. We rented a car and drove the four hours through the desert..much of which looked like it was a scene out of The Hills Have Eyes..scenery and people ( hey Hillbillies).

We got to Vegas and noone was more excited than me. I love it there. Why, idk, but I do. We did the usual girl on vacation thing in the hotel room ( you know the playing music, dancing around, pregaming, taking 3 hrs to fix your hair put a dress and some blush on thing. Yep dudes, this is why we take so long to get ready in groups.) and then went off to Prive at the Planet Hollywood. Place was packed, had a few drinks, a few two -steps and when the feet couldnt take it anymore we decided to leave. And this is where the real party began.

Along with my cousin, I decided to check my coat. (For those of you who think Vegas is all sunshine and heat, it is NOT. Effin BRICK in the winter. Like cold. ) We got to the coat check and I did the one thing every mother warns you about, I put my purse down. Grant it, it was right infront of me, but it was down. I gave the coat check whore (who was a prime suspect, more on this trick later) my ticket, she gave us the coats, I turned around to give my cousin her coat, turned back grabbed my bag and left.

We walked out of the hotel, to the car and got back to our hotel in a about 10 minutes. Getting out of the car I realized my bag felt a bit light and noticed the little purse (dont ask about my purse within a purse thing) with my phone, ID and CCs was gone. I went back to the car, not there. So i asked the least drunkest person to drive me back to the hotel where the club was at to see if maybe I had dropped it back at the coat check. I get to the coat check walk up to the girl said "Excuse me did you see.." without even lettin gme finish she replied "NO" and walked away. I was like okay thanks bitch.

Usually I would just have been like "EFFIN SHIT" and been bummed and annoyed and just gone to sleep, but seeing as how I was in a strange land and had a couple drinks in me, the water works began. Those of you who know me know that I do not cry unless someone dies, gets married, am to the extreme point of ultimate frustration or watching Extreme Home Makeover (gets me everytime). And I mean water works like Niagra Falls status. Noone seemed to notice or care that a girl was standing in the middle of a casino wearing a club dress, hoodie and flip flops. NO ONE.

So me and my crying ass and my partner in this CSI drama went back to the hotel. I managed to stop the tears and call the bank to cancel my debit card. Party gets better from here.

The bank guy decides to tell me that $950 has been taken out of my account and "your moneys gone your not getting it back" Yup just like that. More tears insued. Some hiccuping this time too. Im sure some of you wouldve paid to see this. Called AMEx to cancel my card and the AMEX guy decides to tell me that a charge of $1000 has been made at the Planet HOllywood Casino and a cash advance of another $1k was attempted. Please note this was all within a matter of half an hour. Yep,so while I was standing at the bottom of the escalator next to the ATM a Melissa J. Ferman imposter was taking money out of my account and having a field day at the Black Jack table. Maybe they had better luck than I wouldve.

The next day was spent at the Las Vegas police precinct. BIGGEST FREAKS IN LIFE. Really the strangest people youll ever see. There was a bullet hole in the glass, a guy next to me whos ex wife was outside stalking him while he was there trying to put a restraining order on her, a volunteer worker who was about 512 yrs old and was quite amused that it was "poppin" in there ( yes she said that), a guy whos brother went missing from a casino, and 4 other people with my situation there. I cant make these things up.

After about 4 hours at the precinct and filing reports at the hotel, we drove back to LA. Me moneyless, ID less and phone less.

The next morning my uncle drove me to LAX to catch my flight back home. I get to the airport around 9am and notice that there is no line at my check in area. The fiesta continues.

I walk up to the ticket lady inform her I have no ID but do have my police report (just an FYI if t his fun stuff happens to any of you, if you have a police report they have to let on the plane even if you have no ID. Just a fun fact for ya) She proceeds to inform me that my flight has been cancelled and I can either take the 2pm to JFK or the 4pm to LaGuardia. It was 9am. I chose to take the 2pm to JFK and used the many quarters I had to call my mother and let her know that I was gonna sit in the airport for the next 5 hrs. At this point I was pretty sure that I would go down in the record books as having the worst luck life. The phrase FML was probably invented because of me.

So, I sat in the airport, walked around, charged my camera and just when thoughts of running out on to the runway and letting a plane runover me came across my mind a fabulous thing occured. I heard the words "Christopher Brown please report to gate.." bla bla bla watever gate it was. I was like suure. A few minutes later, a tall dark and strapping young fella comes running at the speed of light past me and to the gate. Yes, it was my future baby daddy ( pre domestic abuse days). Of course I had no phone to let anyone know of the great event that just occured, but hey , I know it h appened.

I got on my flight, got home safe and sound and went straight to bed anticipating a day of getting a new license and debit card and phone calls to the Vegas police precinct. Just when I thought the party and fun was over, I woke up the next day sweating and feeling liek someone was pinning my body down to my mattress and I couldnt get up. Hellooo 103 degree fever and flu. And I thought my fun had stayed in Vegas.

In the end, I got my money back, the charges to my AMEX were dismissed, the AT & T people felt bad for me and gave my a new Bbberry for $100 and I saw Chris Brown. Ah its the little things in life.

The moral of this story kids is to never put your purse down and be grateful that these things dont happen to you, but they do happen to me and you all get quite the enjoyment out of my misfortunes. Its okay, thats what I'm here for to spread love and joy. Just like Santa.

Holy Mason Betha

I used to LOVE Mase. Like LOVE. Something about that slow ryhming just did it for me. I was looking through my old single tapes ( the ones you used to buy in Sam Goody for like 2.99 that had the song with words on one side and the instrumental on the other. Why idk.) and found this one. I played this tape so much the writing is no longer visible and the film is about worn out. You loved it too. Dont. Front.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2e6SgrJCjSw

The Doorman

About two weeks ago I was invited to attend a friend's bday at Mr. West. I was hesitant on going seeing as how I had previously been to this club and the Doorman pulled me aside and told me a friend of a friend was not allowed in because she was on the heavy side. True story. ( Try being me and having to come up with an excuse in a matter of 10 seconds on why we really couldn't stay. Fun times.) Buuut it was for my Debster so I most certainly had to make an appearance. ( An appearance that lasted till about 3 am. I never stick to my "I'm not staying out too late" rule.)

I get to the door and see others w Deb's party standing in front of the Doorman totally looking like Tyson Beckford on crack with a furry hat and super 'mo ("'mo" is Melissa language for "homo")plaid jacket. There is no one online but these 5 people. No one. But. FIVE. people. These five people were left standing outside for about 20 minutes while the Doorman just stood there staring at them w his stupid furry hat and 'mo jacket probably thinking "hey look at me I can make these people stand outside all night long".

The point of all this rambling is that I really would like to come back as a Doorman in my next life. You're basically a super herb who has been given the chance to wear a trendy outfit stand at the door of a nightclub w some little walkie-talkie going in and out of the club trying to make it seem like youre actually doing something important all while having people kiss your ass all night and you know very well you arent letting half of them in but they will stand there all night trying. Its fun to watch people sweat.

Melissa's Pros and Con's on having dudes as friends

Ive always had alot of guy friends and acquaintances. Im very good at being the "one of the guys" girl which has its pros and cons. Some ppl dont believe that guys and girls can be just friends. This can be true if youve had some sort of history in the relationship department, but for the most part I think its retarded to think that way. Here are my pros and cons on having a "hes really just my friend" friend:

Pros:

1) They give you advice from a dude's perspective when it comes to relations w the opposite sex (ie stop wasting your time or just ask him whats up and see what hppns) Good advice. Even if you dont follow it. At least they told you so.

2) You can use them as a "oh my bfs over there" excuse when out at a club and some creepy freak wont leave you alone

3)They are, for the most part, drama free.

4) Youll always have a dancing partner when out at a club in Harlem and that merengue song comes on.

5) Theyll tell you what your wearing is absolutely retarded and you wont get offended by it.

Cons:

1)They give you advice from a dude's perspective when it comes to relations w the opposite sex (ie stop wasting your time or just ask him whats up and see what hppns) Sometimes this is stuff you really dont want to hear especially bc they are guys and really who are we kidding most of you think alike.

2)COCKBLOCK-works both ways

Thats really all the cons I can think about. I would complain that some of them act like they are 5 yrs old again when in a big group, but who are we fooling I get like that too.

I will marry anyone who can serenade me like this

Okay, maybe not anyone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPnwHnBFjg4

At at at Night

This is ma soooooooooooooooowng...at the moment. Love the song, love the video, love Mr. Solo do low


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVb_t_ao9gw