Gimme that groupie luuv

Ah groupies. Like the nester, these fab gals can be found in any club near you. Fellas beware, theyre everywhere. Some girls arent even aware that they fall under the groupie category. Im here to help you identify whether you are a groupie or not. If more than two of these applies to you then..congrats! Youre that girl that every rapper talks about. At least your kind is famous. So here goes.

You know youre a groupie when:

-You only go to clubs when an athlete or celebrity is set to be hosting
-You only go to clubs if you have access to VIP/bottle service
-You only talk to promoters when its time to go out
-You go to a club w no money in your pocket and search for dudes/promoters to get drinks for you
-You only talk to dudes to get drinks
-You stand near VIP or a table in hopes that a dude will call you over
-You talk to ppl in celebrities entourages in hopes to get close to the celeb
-While in Vegas or Miami you stalk hotels you athletes and celebs are going to be at

and last but not least You Know Youre a groupie when.....you deny that your a groupie but know deep down inside that you really are one. Its okay. Were not judging.Kinda.

"Ive never noticed how many freaks there are out there until I started hanging out with you"

That was what my friend said to me on Friday night. All I could do was lmao bc no one ever believes me until they witness it that no normal dudes ever talk to me. This weekends freak recap:

Fri night @ Highbar-Music was good we where doing our two step there where two cute dudes in there one of who was eyeing me and in my head I was going "Please come talk to me bc my shy self def aint going to talk to you". But what happened, cute dude did his whole eyeing thign the whole night but did not come talk to me. Drunken hot mess #1, perv #1 and drunken hot mess #2 all did though. Yay. One of them asked "do you want me to leave you alone" I politely replied "yes please" See I can be nice sometimes.


Sat night @Promenade-Yes I went there and actually it wasnt all that bad. I think I may have been one of two people who wasnt black in there but the music was good we posted our corner to avoid being rubbed on by anyone signaling the plane and swag surfing and had a good time. But here came the freaks to ruin the night. Or maybe highlight the night bc it is quite amusing to see these dudes talk to me.
One dude whos breath smelled of cigarrettes and two bottles of Henney asked me if he could kidnap me into the VIP section. Sorry homie your breath is kickin like Van Dam and you being in VIP aint changing that.
The next dude decided to stand in front of me the whole night periodically asking me the same question "why is 36 to old for you?" Finally he went away when I told him he was not age appropriate for me and I was not going to give him my number so pls leave me aloooone.
The next dude (dam I was pimpin last night) was drunkinly stuttering to the point that I had really no clue what he was saying. All i understood was "you, pretty" "like music" and "call you".. I just nodded and ignored till he went away.
The next dude didnt talk to me but I was really contemplating going up to talk to him bc he was super cute and def a "Melissa dude"...while he was sober. Througout teh night the dude got drunk and basically looked like he was sleeping at the bar. If youve ever seen someone sleeping standing up its the funniest thing. He then continues to wobble all around, his clothes started becoming more disheveled and I just got a smh from my friends with a "of course thats the dude you like"
While the freaks talking to me really sucks and has me sitting at home wondering what it is that dras these ppl to me, it really does make for quite an entertaining eveining and laughs for days.

Girls are crazy, Im glad I dont have to date them

I usually dont air out my bidness, but now Im getting annoyed. Some of you reading this may know what Im talking about, most of you wont bc again I dont like to air out my business via Facebook or Twitter bc basically I graduated JR high a loooong time ago ( dam Im old).
The basics of the story go like this: girl thinks Im having some kind of secret love affair w a dude,who ive become cool with, but really only communicate with through FB and say whats up to when I see him out, girl and friends (but mostly her friends) police my FB to see when I talk to said dude and let girl know and post FB statuses in reference to the issue. Sigh.

Ladies,Ladies,Ladies why must you act this way. If theres an issue especially involving a dude, I find it funny how girls are quick to blame the friend first. I also find it amusing as how girls use these social networks to speak about personal issues. I dont think I even acted like this in HS. A big part of me wants to just tell the dude whats going on to somehow clear my name (I usually dont care what ppl think of me but if its one thing I hate is to go around being bad mouthed for something I know is not true (Its come to the point that I try and avoid going places both parties will be at in order not to feed into anything else) buut no good can come of that and I dont want to stoop to the 12 yr old level, so I will just stay hushed (ah Christine remember that LOL-AC circa 2006). Much more to the story but hearing the rest would require a personal sit down over a Corona if youve got 3 hours.

Moral of the story: Some girls really never grow up no matter how old they are. Good luck to you fellas.

Only allowed in my house

Rainy day lead to last minute fiesta at Casa Ferman. Hot Messness was the theme of the night. Three people fell (including myself and Im still suffering from the aftermath lol), a pinata came, Pepe was played ( im gonna kill), drunk FB posts where received from people a kitchen table chair away, and mixing of alcohols that should not have been mixed occured.

Ah good times kids. From what I remember.

Last Friday was the best day in Melissa world Part 2

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...yes thats how I felt when I got BBMd and told that there was an extra ticket to the sold-out Jay-Z concert that I tried FIVE hours to get tickets for. Jay-Z is really my favorite rapper of all time (dont judge me). Ive been listening to the dude forever, know every one of his songs and have seen him in concert about 3 or 4 or 5 times. The very first time was back in '97 at Nassau Colliseum which btw was the best concert ever ( Diddy, Mase, Lil Kim, 112, Busta, Jay...ah I wanna go back).

The seats where awesome and the concert was off tha chain!!!!!! (Melissa's ghetto voice).I lost my voice a bit singing along with Mary and my arm hurt a bit the next day from throwing up the Roc sign (If you ever want to know when Im at my least shyest its at hip hop concerts and clubs. I always have one hand in the air and rhyme along like if I made the song. Im a dork I know) , but it was 1000%percent worth it.

PS Even tho everyone thinks hes an ass right about now, Kanye came out and put on a mini concert as well which def added to my best day in the worldness.

Last Friday was the best day ever in Melissa world Part 1

So last Friday I got to volunteer at the VMA Radio Forum. I got to do for a day what I ultimately want to do for the rest of my vida and it felt dam good. I got picked to escort Ryan Leslie around from radio booth to booth, ask him who he wanted to talk to and who he didnt want to talk to and basically what Ryan said, I did. Dude was talking to me like as if I bossed radio and tv people everyday ( ie: Ryan:"Im gonna go talk to MTV first bc its on TV so just tell Hot97 they have to wait" Me: "You got it"). Little did he and his manager know this was my first time that ive worked w celebs that I was actually allowed to talk to them and I was one nervous mofo. I know, I know, celebs are people too, but you try standing in a room,interacting with the likes of Raekwon, Kid Cudi, Fabolous (yes Fab, its me again), Twista, Wale, Young Joc, Rakim, Ryan Leslie, Smokey Robinson (why he was there I have no clue but he was super nice lol) and see how you cool you feel on the inside. Didnt let them see me sweat though. I did alot of "hey whats up" smiling and hand shaking like it was no big deal that I was shaking hands w ppl whos songs I listen to everyday. Nope, no biggie.
PS Ryan Leslie kissed me on the cheek when the day was over and I will never wash this cheek again. Kidding. I have washed my face since Friday.

You make me wanna throw my pager out the window....

I talk alot about stalkers because we all know thats all I attract. Thankfully nothing serious or scary, but just annoying. In speaking with some of my homeboys and girls you realize that some people just dont get it when they are stalking. Here are some rules to prevent yourself from being a stalker and/or make you realize that you are a stalker:

1)You text someone once they dont text you back. You text them again, its cool bc phones are stupid and maybe they didnt get your text. If they do not answer you back after that, DO NOT TEXT THEM AGAIN. One of my girls had some dude text her "Hey" everyday for two weeks. Nothing but "hey". My other homegirl has some dude text her "Hey hows work" "What are you up to?" "Why you gotta be so shady for" Ive been having some dude who seemed normal text me "Hey Luv" for the past 2 months on and off and everytime I see it I say sweet baby Jesus please leave me alone.

2)If you comment on someones FB/Myspace status, wall, picture and they never reply to you, guess what they dont wanna talk to you.

3)If you ask someone out and they say no and make up some bs excuse like I have to take my grandma to get the fungus removed from her toe, that person does not want to go out with you.

All these things really make me lose hope in humanity and get me scared to ever give any dude my phone number even if he seems normal. Because we all know looks can be deceiving. Lets remember a little movie called Fatal Attraction.

NYC Nightlife is dead

NYC nightlife is dead. Idk when this happened, how it happened or why it happened but its happened. Some of you may beg to differ, but as a person whos been going out like it was my job for the past four years I can tell you that shit aint what it used to be. I was in a going out funk until I went to Vegas which, in my opinion, has some of the best clubs ever (Miami after that) then came back here and was like wtf?

I used to go out Tuesday through Saturday. This may be why im so tired now, its all catching up with me. Now, Ill do it once or twice a week just to get out of the house and go have a drink and do a little two step and make fun of people. Laughter is the best medicine people.

Idk if its the djs that have changed or the people or what. Maybe its me.
Lotus,Gypsy Tea, Aer,Strata, Duvet, Ruby Falls, Glo, Embassy, Home, Guesthouse, Myst, Rock Candy, Stereo,Sol even Highline and Mansion up until a few months ago..I miss you. Please come back.

The Nester

Ah the Nester. Some of my FB stalkers (ahem lol) have seen me and one of my FB buddies throw this word around and asked WTF is a nester, a nestee, nesterville, what is that.
Well Im glad you asked.
A nester is basically that chick in a club who is just a pure hot mess. You may know one, you've all seen them, hell maybe you even are one. If you are its okay were not judging. Actually we are so you best fix yourself asap.
Its that girl in the club whos hair is all messed up lookin like she just walked through a wind tunnel (or like a rats nest , which is how this word came about, from this lovely description), outfit all discombobulated (spelling?), shoes in hand, falling over, dancing to the DJ in her head, drink spilling..you know this girl.
The nester is mostly seen after the 1 am mark although there have been occasions of nestation occuring before 12. This nester needs an intervention.

Weve all been there. Ive been there ( Hellooo Vegas MDW 2005, if you where there you know what Im talking about and no I will not share with the class) but when its a weekly occurence thats when you know its time to hang those lucite heels up and find Jesus.


PS the pic above is a prime example. This chick was spotted during MDW in Vegas walking through the Mirage casino. Not only is her outfit a traceuous (spelling?) but she walked out of the club with toilet paper on BOTH of her shoes and her hair was up in some sort of blonde, greasy beehive. Shout out to Devan aka D-Boi from Dallas for catching this excellent moment (see its not just me who snaps pics of the less fortunate)

PPS If I see this word end up on urbandictionary.com without my permission I will sue for word stealing or just come and tae bo your butt. I can side kick and jab like nobodys business.

I need a Facebook break

Facebook has many pros and cons. Heres my list.

Pros:
Allows you to reconnect and connect with people you may have lost touch with or never even knew existed. This can be good or bad depending on who it is but for the most part its good.

Thats it.

Cons:
Its addicting.

It allows people to stalk you. This is the main and biggest con id say there is. I can be honest and say that I really do not look at people's pages. This may be surprising coming from a FB addict like myself but I really dont. If you upload a picture and it looks interesting than Ill view your album. Otherwise I really do not care that Billy Bob wrote on your wall or that youre attending a beer crawl. Also I usually only go on FB via my phone so I dont get alerted that you where tagged in an album from last weekend.
If you wanna stalk me thats perfectly fine. But please use it for good and not for evil. I was most recently being stalked and turned out was involved in a drama and had no clue. (Funny story that needs to be told in person lol)

People complain too dam much. I get it life sucks sometimes. Trust the FML queen over here. I know. But I really do not need to see a status every five seconds asking why do people lie, why are people shady or that dammit to all hell its Monday again! Monday comes every week and we all have to work. Thats just how life is.

I know I update my status ALOT. But I try to make them lighthearted and funny for your reading pleasure.

The end.

Didnt really like Paris but..

I love this song. For some reason makes me feel like im sitting at some bujee sidewalk restaurant down in South Beach at 11 am drinking a mimosa..because hey it has OJ so it must be good for you.

NO PICTURES, im gonna recycle my outift

Always go with your gut instincts. Always. Always. I always say this and never listen but maybe this time I will.
Saturday night something was telling me to stay home. The little voice inside my head kept saying "Dont do it" buut you kids know me, I never listen to anyone. I forced myself to get dressed and headed to Mansion ( I know its M2 now, whatever, that name is retarded). I havent been to Mansion on a Saturday in a hot minute so didnt know what to expect. I heard Kid Cudi was doing a party there this upcoming Sat and my friends had gone last week and said it was decent so I had a bit of hope. That hope was squashed and washed away as soon as I stepped behind that little red rope. Entering the club where European guidos ( similar to the US guido,Affliction and Ed Hardy shirts, spiked hair containing maybe a life time's supply of LA Looks, big belts..but the Euro ones also like to wear their super tight button downs with a few buttons on the top open to show off that sexy chia pet growth underneath. mmm mmm)and the girls. Oh the girls. The girls where the kinda girls I like to call "nesters" (post on that later).
For those of you who have been to LQs, the Copa, Crobar and Strata when they went downhill, these girls where those kinda girls that go/went to those places. Stringy, greasy hair, pastel dresses with chains and cuts places that chains and cuts should not be, ass cheeks and cellulite hanging out, clear heels....just pure classiness. I stayed in this fiesta of sexiness for about half an hour then sadly had to leave bc of a door incident with my other friends I was supposed to meet up with. GOD BLESS THE DOOR MAN. This will probably be the only time I will say this.
I was contemplating going home at this point bc I was already in a bad mood and just wanted to go spend some QT with my bed and DVR but was peer pressured to move on to the next venue. You kids are lucky that youre the cheese to my macaroni.
We hopped in a cab and I must say this was the BEST part of the whole night. My Bberry is being a d-bag and not letting me upload the video but when I figure it out, this video will be put up here. Basically one of my homegirls, Rikki, gets into it with the cab driver about how they think they run this town (oooh oooh ooh oohh (Rihanna voice) ah corniness lives) and how they cant just cut accross traffic like "a wild bat out of hell". The convo was about 5 minutes long and had me snorting the whole ride. PS we asked and El , the cabbie, does not have Facebook.
We get to Pranna, looks like a decent place, but as soon as we stepped inside it was like someone had pushed me into a Bollywood nightmare. I got stepped on about 25 times, some dude with a shirt that resembled a picnic table cloth from Jacks 99 cent store kept trying to take pics with us and some dude asked if I could get up so that he could sit down. The DJ also went on to play "I got a feelin" and that Sean kingston song asking someone to call 911 because shawtys got a fia burnin THREE TIMES EACH. THREE TIMES. Someone mentioned to me that it sounded like I was in hell. It surely felt that way.
The only things that made me last where watching Brynn, our token Jamaican friend whos really Irish but can pon de river and row the boat like nobodys bidness, get hit on by a guy with turban and the 10 girls come in through the door with Rikkis same dress on "OH HELL NO!!!!" lmfao...laughter really can cure anything

The moral of the story is always trust your gut kids. If it says stay home and watch repeats of Bridezillas then thats what you do.

"I have a boyfriend"..."Me too"

Yes this is what a dude said to me last night. Heres how the convo went:
Dude:"Scuse me miss can I talk to you for one second" ( I was very tempted to be like "ya just did!" buut I refrained")
Me:"Nah Im leaving"
Dude:"Before you go can I get your number Id like to get to know you better"
Me:"No, sorry I have a boyfriend" (we know this is a lie but its an almost sure fire way to get rid of a dude..tho lately it hasnt been working all too well)
Dude:"Thats okay , me too"

So I can now add "homothugs" to the list of people I attract. Score.

"Is that a weave?"

When my hair was longer..so up to like 2 wks ago...ive had about 5146574986579 girls ask me if I was wearing a weave. Black girls, spanish girls, white girls...some have even asked to touch my hair to see make sure I wasnt lying. Idk whether to be flattered that you think my hair looks like I just bought it or insulted. The jury's still out.
Anywhoo, this movies coming out in October and looks effin hilarious bc Chris Rock is in my book one of the funniest people alive. It also looks super interesting bc I was not aware that you can put a weave on lay away and they get some from India. PS white and spanish girls get weaves too. Dont let them fool you.

"It was like Aesop hit me in the eyeball"

Again with the Saturday night. It really gave me much inspiration for the previous 54567845456 posts and can safely say it was the most fun Ive had in a while.
Anwyhoo, amongst the many discussions in the car, I forget what we where talking about but I think it was something along the lines of dating people your friends have dated or some touchy subject like that and I just blurted out "Honestly everyone just needs to do what makes them happy and get over it."
This quote apparently turned me into a philosopher according to Jay. I knew I shouldve applied to Harvard.

Two albums I need in my life

Because you know ya girl loves everything Jay say Jay does...and I love me some slow jams and this dudes really about the only one bringing em right now.

White girls gone wild

She told me not to put it on Facebook. She didnt say anything about a blog. I heart you my little freckled Irish friend.
And yes that is me cackling in the background. I wish I was blessed with a normal laugh.

"Why is it that the dudes you want to stalk you dont and those other ones do"

Thought of the week from the American Association of Stalkees.

Cream on the outside Clean on the inside

I was down in Ga and along with every Young Jeezy song I heard the sweet sounds of this lil tune caressing my ear drums. It should come to no surprise that I have been playing this on repeat on my Ipod because ya'll know I luuuv me sum jawnts from tha duurty ya heard. Okay, that was my ghetto talk for the day.

Wierdo/stalker magnet numero uno

I am a wierdo magnet. I am also a stalker magnet.
Sat night (this past Sat night was very eventful I must say) some dude w a ponytail comes up to me and starts talking nonsense then goes "Ill be back later" I responded "Oh thank God"..sadly he did not hear me. Later on he did come back asked me for my number and I gave it to him just so he could go away. I have a terrible habit of doing this because really its the only way some dudes will go away because the "i have a bf " excuse really doesnt cut it anymore. I later go on to find out this dude knows someone I know but hopefully we shall not run into each other again.
Later on in the night my friend and me are dancing and these two dudes come up to us and one of them goes to me "You are either a hand model or a dancer" WHAT IN THE FRENCH FKIN TOAST is a hand model and why in Gods green earth would you say that to someone.
Then some other guy later tells me he works for the club and if I give him my number hell get me in free anytime I want. Ill pay the cover if I have to t hanks.

If anyone could explain to me why when I go out to a club or a bar the wierdest guys in there come an talk to me Ill be your best friend for life. I will probably be eternally single because of this and I dont even like cats to be an old cat lady. So sad.

"Melissa Janet Ferman..straight to the bottom"

Sat night I went out with some of my HS lovas and crew. I love these kids. Always a guaranteed good time (altho there was a brief situation of a semi spot blowing up and me being embarrassed so much to the point that I wanted to go home crawl under the covers and never come out, but a few Saporis and reggae songs later I got over it and the situation will not be discussed).
So we get in the car and start having usual nonsense discussions and the three people in the car with me each made the remark "Melissa youre going to hell". I make fun of people alot. Like alot alot. I laugh uncontrollably when people fall, dance funny, and are just plain wierd. Some of you get it, some of you dont. Those of you who dont. Youre boring and I probably dont really like you anyway. And not for nothing (famous Melissa words) Im sure there are people out there who make fun of me too. Like when I laugh so hard that a snort comes out, or when I trip every five seconds, or when I say "THATS MA SOOOOONG" to almost every song that comes on in a club then immediatly stop dancing when a song I hate comes on (if youve experienced this short bus scene you know what im talking about).
So while the idea of spending the after life in major heat ( you guys know how I get when its super hot) I will risk eternal damnation just to make you kids chuckle. Im a great friend. and I hope God knows I would never make fun of him.

This show is effin stupid

When I first heard about True Blood, I was like hmm okay this looks like a good show that Ill prob like. Hit the buzzer on that one. Ive tried to watch it a couple of times and realized that it really is a semi-vampire/hillbilly rated R almost porno. Almost everyone I know loves this show and really do not get it. And that chick that won an Oscar for her role in The Piano with the huge gap in her teeth really irks the shit out of me. But thats a whole 'nother discussion.

Why I hate clowns

Many of you who know my fear of clowns have asked me why..I think this is explanation enough.