"Is that a weave?"

It has come to light that apparently I am strange because I am aware of different types of animals. Why, im not sure, but most of us are aware that my brain is full of useless "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader" facts.

Why the topic of an otter came about, I have no clue (how does anything I start talking about come about? Life's mysteries) but my friend, who shall remain anonymous, was not aware of what it was and thought I was a wierdo for knowing. What-ever.

The yak question came about, because I had posted on my Twitter that some girl came into our office chewing gum like a yak. I got several replies asking "wtf is a yak" I asked my homegirl last night if she knew what a yak was,her response " is that a weave" L.M.F.A.O No, it is not a weave, it is an animal people. Jeez.

This summer I assign all of you to go visit a zoo. Is it neccessary to learn about animals? No. But knowledge is power people. I think I stole that from a Taco Bell hot sauce pack.

PS Ive provided pictures of both so that there is no confusion as to whether these are animals or hair pieces.

New in the "Act like you been somewhere" Files

Last Saturday night two of my homegirls went to this club in the city and for a little people watching, two-stepping and to play everyones favorite game "let's see how many freaks talk to Melissa".

Where to begin? Let's start with the chick outside of the bathroom.
The bathroom at this spot has many perks. It is unisex, only has one toilet. If that wasn't amazing planning on the planner's part, I really dont know what is. We go into the bathroom the first time, and all of a sudden the door starts pushing open. (the door didnt shut all the way either, another thumbs up.) My friend pushes back, then some chick starts knocking on it like crazy. Club etiquette and just common sense: if the door is closed, that pretty much means someone is in there, and if there are three people inside that means it may take some time, so calm the eff down. Thank you.

The Royal Rumble

For some reason everyone in that place was feeling quite violent. Three fights broke out, one in which I got my toe stepped on and swear it still hurts. I never understood why dudes start fighting especially in a club. Way to piss on everyone else's parade. If someone is annoying you just go find another spot in the club. Thank you again.

Don Chest Hair

I sat down for a moment due to a shoe malfunction and as I'm sitting there this dude who looked like he was growing a chia pet from his chest and pants tighter than me decides to shout out "YO!", I turn to look, he winks and blows a kiss at me. Barf-o-rama. At this point I kept repeating "Why lord do you hate me, so" and quickly turned away. Fellas, chest hair is just not cute, especially visible chest hair. Also, winking and blowing a kiss at a girl is really not going to get her to holla back at you. Well, not me at least.

The America's Next Best Dance Crew Reject

I saw this dude the last time I was at this place and he was even more fabulous than the last time. I understand you hear a good song, you get in the moment and wanna bust out in dance. That's what dance floors are for. However, please do not make the dance floor your own private studio and act as if you are auditioning for a Britney Spears video. Youre invading my dance space.

And last, but definitely not least, The Puker

I see the crowd part as if Moses was crossing the Red Sea and what do I see. Pukeville. It looked as if someone had taken a bucket of puke and thrown it all over the floor. People if the urge to puke is so great that you can not hold it in, maybe you should ease up on the drinking or Usain Bolt your ass to the bathroom. The last thing people want is puke on their feet.


Point of all this is when going out : Act like you been somewhere before. Trust me, itll make you a better person.

The champ is here....

I hate to say I told you so , but I told you so. Some of you are aware of a bet that had taken place about a month ago and many of you said that I couldnt do it..weeeellll I did. In yo faces. I know, I thought about giving up many times, but I didnt. Now I can go back to my regularly scheduled programming and live in semi-peace. Dam, let a girl live.

PS If you are not aware of the bet, I'm sorry I can not share for security purposes. Thanks, bye.

No, no , no

Ah the dreaded interview process. It sucks. No other way to put it.It's hard to know what exactly to say, do or wear. Seeing as how I'm on the other side of the desk now, I decided to try and give you kids some daily tips on what NOT to do when going for an interview. You can figure out the rest. Now, some of these things may seem like common sense, but you never know what's going to happen when you're sitting in that chair being grilled. So here goes, the first tip of the day:

When being offered a postion, please do not shout out "YAAAYYY!!!!!!!!".I know, you got a new job, its exciting, but please try and contain yourself and save your emotional outbursts for a few months down the line. A simple, "thank you, see you Monday" with a smile will suffice.

Good day.

:cricket, cricket:

Ah Fridays. We all know my Friday nights would not be complete without something interesting happening.
This past Friday we went to Brooklyn Bowl for a friend’s bday. I consider myself to be pretty open minded ( yes I am the friend that will go pretty much anywhere at least once) but this place really wasn’t my scene. While the music was decent and the drinks were pretty cheap, the crowd was just a big thumbs down. The people were quite strange and looked as if they needed to be hosed down with some extra strength Lisol.
We were all hanging out by the bar, seeing as how there was a three hour wait to bowl (yes, three hours) and I spotted a cute guy, who of course I was not going to talk to because, lets be serious now kids. While I would normally keep my mouth shut and not say anything to one of my friends (most of us know why) I gave her the pass to go and talk to the dude and open up that door mostly out of boredom and I was just feeling out of character that night. (Temporary moment of insanity, blame it on the Redbull). Long story short, friend talks to the dude, brings him over, he and I start speaking and I must say it was the most agonizing few minutes of my life. Right off the bat it was obvious this dude and I had zero in common and he was just quite boring, to me at least. Thankfully someone came over to interrupt the convo and he left to go find his friends. Praise the lord.
The moral of this story is: don’t judge a book by its cover. Why I would think he would be interesting just because he was cute, I'm not sure. I guess the old saying "looks arent everything" does ring quite true. Don't say I dont teach you guys anything.

SMH moment of the day

I wish someone could explain to me what girls get out of doing things like in the above photo. Call me judgmental, but I don’t see how shaking your ass cheeks in front of anyone can lead to something positive. The whole entering booty shaking contests so Ludacris can laugh at you for two seconds and the all wanting to be in a video phenomena really has me smh.
I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I watch MTV jams and think it is quite an easy life to get paid to stand around, bobbing your head to music and sipping on a drink. Come to think of it I do that on a weekly basis just not in front of a camera and I’m not getting paid for it. Life is so unfair.
Buuut, seriously. If anyone has an answer for me, holla so that I can cross it off my list of Life’s Mysteries.

Kanye, they are coming for you

So I was watching this documentary on HBO on Demand (don’t look so puzzled. There is more to me than reality tv and Young Jeezy songs) about PETA and came to the conclusion that these people really need some psychiatric evaluation. Call me crazy, but I don’t see how throwing paint on people’s fur coats or sitting naked in front of a Gaultier store is getting your point across.
The documentary was pretty graphic and while it just reconfirmed my opinion of fur coats being gross ( the idea of wearing a furry dead animal on me is really not appealing. Plus, unless you’ve got a bald head,a crazy Taylor Swift bashing bf,paparazzi following you or you are over the age of 40, fur is really just not appropriate to wear on any occasion. ) it really did not make me want to start sending donations or stop eating burgers. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know. If you’re interested and have on Demand peep it. Warning, do not watch while eating. Unless you’re like me and the site of blood and animal carcasses really doesn’t phase you (Italy, '04, me eating a bag of M&MS at the Fendi fur factory right infront of a dead chinchilla, classic.) I’m special, I know.

P.S Other interesting documentaries on there to watch: the Hurricane Katrina one, one about bipolar parents and the one about America’s obsession with youth. Hot dam, I need to get a hobby.