Nightmare on 249th St

Uuughhhh to the Uuggghhhh, wedding season has arrived. While this season usually does not affect or phase me, it seems as if everyone and literally their mother, around me is getting married and I'm invited. I think its great, I'm happy for my friends if they're happy but.......I need a date. Ah here I go, thinking of myself.
I have four weddings to go to and need a date for two of them. My ideal wedding date would be :

-non-boring
-non-annoying
-look good in a suit
-entertain me during the boring parts
-dance to at least one song which is not the cha cha slide
-non-boring
-non-annoying

Seeing as how I am batting zero in the dude department, itd really be grand if one of my dude friends would do me a solid and volunteer themselves. The upside of this would be you having the pleasure of my company for an evening and me loving you forever, but only as a friend. Did I mention free food and booze? Help a sista out.
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The Friday Night Files

I must say nothing really interesting happened to me last Friday. (Well something did happen after I left the spot, but I'd really rather not get into it. Lets just say...it was a looong night). The lets embarrass Melissa gods must be on some long ass vaca. However, I did learn a few lessons that I thought I was aware of but, well, you know me. Here goes:

Lesson 1:

Nerdy white boys and ghetto ass dudes love me. Why, I'm not sure. Some suggest I just change my preference of gentleman, I say, barf. I like my answer better.

Lesson 2:

Always test a skirt out before you wear it. Unless you like it getting an inch shorter every time you take a step. Personally, I dont enjoy that, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

Lesson 3:

People still really do that whole 90's gun fingers circle dance to reggae songs.This dude was getting down like he was in the middle of a bashment party and I loved every moment of observing it. The 6th grader in me wanted to go request "Rich Girl" and join him. Next time.


Lesson 4:

Whenever you see dudes about to fight, its best to move over. Way over. These two retards started fighting, one pushed the other, he flew like he had just gotten and electric shock from Blanka right onto the chair. Thankfully, I had two-stepped my way towards the other direction, if not, Im pretty sure I wouldve been knocked over and smashed a few glasses. That wouldve been pretty awesome. Not.

aaaand finally,

Lesson 5:

I learned something about myself that Ill just keep to myself because it will just give away too much and it will be too obvious to a handful on what I am speaking of. So, mums the word. Maybe if you ask nicely, Ill tell. Prob not, but maybe.

My past few Friday nights, while enjoyable, really have not been anything to write home about. Don't fret my pets, summer's coming and we all out of the ordinary things usually go down during the summer. Well, in my world at least.

And the Best Text of the Day Award Goes to......

"Im not sure why some dudes are such big scared babies and think that when were interested in them it automatically means we want to be wifed up and be taking long moonlight walks on the beach hand in hand every weekend not to mention they act all weird. Slow your roll son, I may not even like you after the first date. Dam! Anyway so what are you up to this weekend?"


-this is from an anonymous source who asked not to be revealed. Oh you kids crack me up, really. May I add, I concur with a side of LMAO. The anger was definitely felt.

Everybody's a Suspect

Well, the week is not over, and its Friday. We all know what that means. Anywho, Wednesday was probably one of the worst work days I've had in quite sometime. Most of you who have heard and listened to my complaining (much appreciated kids and if you have something to bitch about, Mel's here for you) know that I hate my job. I know, at least I have a job, but it still sucks. Anywho part two, it was nearing the end of the day, I had been away from my desk, go sit down reach for this bag of cookies I had and discover that.....somebody ate my cookies. Not only did they eat my cookies, but they left the empty bag there.
What in the effin sam hell name of all that is good and holy is wrong with people? I don't know about you, but I really don't think its appropriate to go around stealing food from people's desks or go near others desks in general. Stay in your space.
I have been repeating "I can't believe someone ate my cookies" for the past two days because I really can't believe someone ate my cookies. Its a small office full of grown ass people, let's get some manners.
The moral of this rambling is: people are dam retarded. When I tell you that everyone is a lunatic, its not me being hostile, its me just stating the facts people.

PS Someone left me this note on my desk this morning.There are some sick fks out there, I tell you. If I ever find this creep Im going to...probably do nothing. Ah well.
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What's for lunch?

I love food. Point blank. I grew up in a family where Chinese was for dinner every Friday and I was taken to McDonalds for breakfast every Saturday morning as soon as I was able to chew.
While I have had a love affair with food since the early 80's, I've also attempted to put myself on a diet starting every Monday since about 1989. As I was chowing down my fish tacos this pass Sunday at CPK I realized that diets just make people miserable and lord knows I do not need anymore misery fuel in this tank.
Sometimes I wish I could be one of those girls who was allergic to food, but really life would just be no fun. The moral of this story is.......bring on the burger. Not that I have been forgoing burgers recently and not that I plan on adding one to my everyday diet (high cholesterol really just isn't cute) but I am just saying from now on if I want to eat a burger damnit I am going to eat it and not give it a second thought. Let's just pray that leggings never go out of style.
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"Hey, what's up"

I was talking to one of my friends over the weekend, the topic of flirting came up and the conclusion was made that if there were every anything that I would suck the most at, it would be this. Sue me.
My friend has these huge eyes and long eye lashes that she uses to bat at any boy that comes across her whom she finds attractive. I too have huge eyes and long lashes but the only time I bat them at someone is if I'm speaking and something happens to fly into my eye. She changes her laugh up to this soft little giggle and if a dude she likes makes her laugh she uses it. If a dude I like makes me laugh, hello chipmunk giggle and occasionally, a snort. Smooth.
By nature, I am not a sexy or flirtatious person. While I would consider myself a decent looking girl and not full blown Harriet the Herb, I am not exactly oozing Megan Fox charm. In a way you can say my version of flirting is just to be myself. My retarded, class clown self. My reasoning for this is that if I'm going to hang out with a dude he may as well know from the get go how I am and if he doesn't like it then, as my grandma would say, "bye-bye Charlie".
Its all about saving time people, life is short. Life lessons from Mel right here.

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Is it me or....?

I've been riding the subway into the city for the past five years and will be the first to let you know if there was ever anything to suck in life, it would be the subway. It smells, its crowded and it will most likely be the cause of a heart attack for me one of these mornings. While I usually use my time on the train to catch up on sleep, sometimes I stay awake and observe. Well, today I came to a conclusion: there are more freaks in the world than normal people. (If you're not aware, I use the word freak daily in my vocabulary. No, not to describe that kind of freak (dirty minds), but basically just a weird person or a normal person that has done a strange thing. Hang around me long enough and you too will be using this word daily. Trust me) Now, back to the point of this.
While I was on the A train, there was a man sitting across from me speaking to himself. The woman next to him had a look on her face as if she was about to clock anyone that got near her and her 50 shopping bags. The guy standing by the door appeared homeless and extremely aggravated that there were others on the train besides him. Then there was me. Ill be the first to admit that I am a bit strange sometimes. The smell of oranges makes me want to puke, I cut my food into pieces because I think it equals more food and I enjoy doing laundry. However, I would not even put myself anywhere near the level of these people. Not saying that I am better than them, but really.
So next time you're riding the train, take a look around and notice the wonders that are around you. Just don't stare too hard, because, well, you watch the news.
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Testing 1,dos,3...

I finally figured out how to blog from my phone. I'm 965 years late I know, but we all know my phone is bootleg so let's blame it on that.
If this does work out you can expect much more blogging for your reading pleasure. You're excited, I know.
P.S this picture has nothing to do with this post, but it was the first thing to pop up on my phone sooo please disregard. Thanks, bye.
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"From downtooooown"

It's about that time again. Many of you who know me, know me, know that I am really not the athletic or sporting even type of gal, except for this. While you won't find me painting my face or screaming obscenities at the tv, I do love me some NBA playoffs. This year I am crossing my fingers and doing the "lets goooo" dance for my dudes on The Heat or the Cavaliers and telling Kobe to kiss my #$@(looks can only get you so far with this girl).
Good luck boys.

The Friday Night Files

The Friday night files took a break last night. You're all sad, I know. I did meet up with some friends after work and would like to pat myself on the back for actually following through with "I'm only having one drink". Miracles do happen sometimes kids. You're regularly scheduled program will probably resume next week depending on the weather, my bank account and if I have anything to wear. Its a rough life.

New in the Groupie files

We all know how I feel about groupies and gold diggers. Not going to lie, when I was a young girl, I used to watch professional soccer games and the NBA and say, hey, one day I'm going to marry me one of those boys and live in a house that looks just like Barbie's. But, seriously.
These chicks, in my opinion, are just an embarrassment to chicks. While it is quite fab to have money and cars and a condo in Miami (ah the dream), hooching yourself around and spreading your business in public is really not okay.

If anyone can explain to me why they keep giving these types shows, please holla at me.

PS VH1, I'm free if you'd like to come and give me some type of show. I am quite the entertaining gal.

Don't Know....

How old this song is but I loves it. Yes, I like things other than gravy soaked tunes.

The Friday Night Files

Ive decided to switch my Fridays up a bit for a few reasons, all of which are nunya. Not that serious so please no specualations. Actually, go ahead speculate because it is always fun for me when you kids try to figure things out that I wont tell you. Ah so fun.

While nothing embarrassing happened to me again this past Friday (wooo-eeee I'm on a roll!) it was quite fun. A fellow Rickian is leaving us for the West Coast so a bunch of us decided to go out for a few cocktails. A few, a lot, a bunch, whatever. The evening went quite well and I'm hoping we sent him off with a good last hoorah.
Nothing quite epic happened but I did learn a few lessons:

-Patron is the devil-I thought that I knew this, but guess not.

-Smile more because then people think that you are mean-Apparently a few of the Ricky's boys were frightened by me. Not sure why, I mean really, my face just radiates happiness and joy. Sort of.

-Learn people's last names, or just pretend that you know them-Ah, you had to be there lol

Last but not least:

It is not a smart idea to fall asleep on the train after you've been drinking-Apparently it was announced that the train would be skipping my stop and I did not hear it because I was passed out. Thanks to my attentiveness, I ended up in East Jesus Nowhere, LI and had to pay $40 for a cab ride home. It is becasue of this that I will be not be buying my morning coffee this week. Fab.

WWMD: What Would Meli Do?

I grew up completely surrounded by guys, all much older than me. While it was fun at times, it really never left much room for getting advice and talking.
For some reason, every baby born into my family over the past few years has been a girl. Maybe its something in the water. Or maybe God is punishing all my male cousins. I think that one is it. While I did and do have my mom to talk to , sometimes someone closer to your age is needed. Here's where I come in. Many of my little girl cousins are still in their Barbie and Dora phase, but when the time comes I would hope they would feel comfortable coming to me on any issue they may have. We all know I'm really not one for talking, so if the day does come, I think I will just show them this post and see if it answers their questions or teaches them anything. If not, go ask your mom kid.
Here goes:

On the outside:

-Boobs or Booty: If youre going to show leg, cover up the boobs. Unless its Halloween, youre at the beach, or you got a job that requires you to work past midnight. I hope not, but, you never know.

-If your toes or heels are protruding from your shoes, they do not fit.

-Muffin Top is only acceptable on top of a muffin.

-Camel Toe is only acceptable on a camel.

-Chipped nail polish. If I see it, I will pull a clothesline and unpolish the shit out of you.

-Not all of us were blessed to look like Keri Hilson (dam that beotch, I know), but if youre happy with your fab bod, then work it girl. If not, Crunch and NYSC always have membership specials.

When it comes to other girls:

-Dont be catty-If someone is bugging you, then just keep it moving. Avoiding people and shit talking just takes way too much energy. Ah that was so Rev Run of me.

When it comes to boys:

-Boys are a mystery of life. No matter how much you try to understand them, it will never happen so don't even try.

-Don't be a dude hater- While there are some dbags out there, there are some good ones as well. Whether you find them in a relationship or friendship, theyre out there.

-Don't be a dude basher- Sometimes a dude is going to do something that will make you want to tell him to go take a long walk off of a short cliff, but just keep it to yourself or tell your friends. No Twitter, no FB, no e-mails. Again, too much effort and they probably arent even worth it.

-Don't be afraid to tell a boy you like him- I've only learned this after 100 years of living, but it's okay to do, whether the outcome be good or bad.

-Guys and girls can be friends...even after dating-There will be some people to tell you that this is impossible, but its not.

-Know when to let it go-Sometimes you'll like a dude alot and sometimes the dude may not feel the same way. It happens. If you find yourself pursuing a guy and dont feel anything in return, do like Keyshia Cole says and let it go. Not gonna lie, itll burn, but its for the best.

-Money doesnt buy happiness- A dude driving a Benz is not any better then a dude driving a hooptie. A douche is a douche, a nice guy is a nice guy regardless of what's in his pockets.

-Dont.be.a.stalker-Stalking a dude's FB, Twitter, spots he goes to equals no bueno and no good can ever come of it.

-Again, guys are a mystery. Sometimes they will do and say things that you will not understand. Do.not.try. I repeat. Do.not.try. You will not succeed. There are some dudes who will explain their actions to you, but it is as rare as a good picture of Wacka Flocka. Ah boys, can't live with 'em and def can't live without 'em.


Last but not least:
Dont.be.a groupie-Enough said


While this post was intended for my future hot mommas to read in about 10 years, it may have entertained some of you. If it didn't, youre probably super boring anyway.

Woosh

Anyone who knows me knows that I loves me some Pharrell. Many of my girl friends do not see what I see in this dude, but in my eyes he is one mighty fine piece of booty. Dude had this creepy child molester mustache going on before and I had fallen off the Pharrell wagon, but he has redeemed himself. If anyone would like to pass him along my number, please do not hesistate. Thanks.

Wardrobe Malfunctions

Not sure on how to start this post other than, ladies mind your booties. Saturday night, this girl was doing all sorts of stuff, fell , gets up and her dress is basically bunched up on her waist with her whole ass in the air. Does anyone tell her? No. She needs new friends.

Not gonna lie, I've occassionally gone sans underwear depending on the outfit. Dont judge me, a lot of people do it. However, if I am going without I am most certainly not gettin low, droppin down and gettin my eagle on or anyting else that requires a near flashing. Not that I do these things anyway when I am wearing underwear, but you get the point.

So girls, if youre going to get wasted and be stumbling all over the place Victoria's Secret sells full ass underwear 5 for $20. Its a grand investment.

"Put your phone away"

Im addicted to my Blackberry. We all know this. Some people say I may have a problem, I really dont see the big deal or how its harmful, until last night. These two dudes were trying to talk to my homegirl and me and we were trying to do the talk on your phone so maybe theyll go away thing. They seemed to know people I knew, so I was trying to be ever so polite even though I wanted to shout out "GO THAT WAY". As I was on my phone, one of the dudes asked me if I had BBM, I said yes, but dont use it. His response "well youre gonna start" Hot dog. I tried to pretend that I really didnt know how to use BBM, but he took it upon himself to put his number in and his pin in, then proceeded to ask me for my number (even though I gave the "I have a bf" excuse. Shit just doenst work anymore) and I gave him a wrong one just to get him to go away.

Moral of this story:

I will now be putting my phone away while out so I can actually make the "I dont know how to use BBM" or "I dont have my phone on me" excuse actually work. Well see how this works out for me. I'm betting keeping my phone in my purse the whole night will be quite difficult. Challenge is on aaand go.

The Friday Night Files

My favorite time of the year has come kids: skirt weather. The first tightsless night of the season def was one to remember. A lot of times events that occur on these nights are "you had to be there" moments and may not seem so amusing to you, but it amuses me to write about them so just use your imagination. Here goes.

"Can I take a photo?"

My homegirl and me decided to grab a slice of pizza before we went into the spot because I was starving. I know, what else is new. As were sitting there, out of the corner of my eye I notice these two dudes staring at us. Sadly they were not good looking and were superbly strange. All of a sudden one of them comes up to me about 2cm away from my face, pokes my shoulder, and says in a heavy accent "you beautiful". Thanks bro. We chuckled and decided not to get up right away even though something was telling me we should. Always go with your gut instincts kids. Always. I never listen to mine, but you should. About two minutes later his homeboy comes up to me, again so close to my face that I could see every pore on his skin, with camera in hand and goes "Can I take a photo with you?" (Insert BBM straight face) Maybe he was drunk. Oooor maybe he was retarded. Oooor maybe they dont have dark skinned girls where he comes from. Ah so many possibilities. In any case, I said "um NO" and shot out of that place like a skirt wearing bat out of hell. Moral of this story: If a weird European dude ever speaks to you, you run, run like hell. Unless you like that sort of Pepe Le Pew thing, than knock yourself out girl.

"Her voice is giving me a pain in my head"

My homegirl and me were sitting on the couch and all of a sudden a group of girls stands infront of us, one of them with a voice that sounded as if a wild beast was dying in the woods. I mean, I know its not her fault, but girlfriend go get some speech therapy or something because that voice could drive anyone to jump off of the roof. Moral of this story: It's not people's fault that their voices are annoying. That's just how God made them. Still doesnt make it any less annoying.

At this point I was observing somethings and realized bitches is cuhrayzee. I already knew this but this night it was just confirmed. That was the moral of that one sentence. Anywho...


"Slurp, slurp"

I was walking to the bathroom and as I'm walking in this dude goes "hey ma" and makes a slurping noise into my ear. I don't know about you, but a dude slurping into my ear is not really not going to make me stop in my tracks. Moral of this story: Spitting in someones ear and calling them "ma", not a good pick up line.

"Melissa, you did it AGAIN"

Why, sweet baby Jesus, WHY. I'm not exactly sure why these things happen to me. I'm nice to kids and to old people, I say please and thank you, I try to keep myself out of drama, I recycle, and still the embarrassment gods find a way to always get me. While I really do not get embarrassed that easily ("you have no shame" ha), there are occasions in which I thank God for my caramel complexion because it prevents people from seeing the shades of red my face could be turning. Oh yeah so back to the point of all this rambling. I went to say bye to my friend, why I went around the dj booth to the other side, I have no clue, but I said my goodbye and walked right along my merry way. I get to the elevator and my homegirl says "MELISSA! YOU DID IT AGAIN" I write it in caps because she said it to me as a mother was scolding her little child for writing on the walls with crayon. I just blankly looked at her and said "Did what?" completely clueless. Well my friends, if youve read a post I put up a few months ago in reference to me kicking the power cord next to the dj booth.....eureka, I did it again. I was less embarrassed this time because I didnt realize I had done it and was on my way out of the place but I still wanted to go home and throw myself under the covers and not come out again. I think I'm just going to appoint one of the guards to keep me away from the booth and next time just throw a paper airplane that says "bye" on the inside. Moral of this story: there is no moral, just some more proof that I'm a r'tard and should maybe just stay home.

After this, we went to some other spot in which the music was dope, but the people all looked liked coked out zombies who had just discovered the fist pump. Nothing happened to me here, except that my phone battery died and I was highly annoyed because I hate driving with no phone. We all know why ha.