"My friends they tell me I should leave you alone..." (that girl on that Jay-Z song voice)

I was having an e-mail chat with one of my friends the other day and he asked why do girls ask for advice when it comes to dudes and never take it. While I was about to say "that's not true" I stepped back and realized that in most cases, it is the dam truth.
I'm sure dudes (especially those with female friends) know that us girls have plenty of "What should I do" conversations when it comes to many things, especially dudes. While we all give each other the basic advice "Text him", "wait until he texts you" "eff that hoe"(inside joke.ah you silly kids hahahaha)we basically barely ever listen.
Basically, we ask for advice to reassure ourselves, confirm what our gut instincts are telling us to do or in many cases , use it to do the complete opposite of what our friends are telling us to do.(hee hee).However, for many people, asking there girl friends/guy friends for advice is really just a mighty big waste of breath because you dam well know you're going to do what you want anyway whether it be good, bad, right, wrong, ballsy, ballsless.
I can safely say, it is a very rare moment when I take advice on this matter and when I do I end up kicking myself in the donk. It's not you kids, its me. Do I still do it? Yes. Why? Please see the reasons above.

I did reply to my friend with all this ramble, his response: "Dam weirdos"
Pssscheyyeah.....look who is talking. While I do defend dudes against the public rants and raves against them, I must say some of you fellas are quite the complicated creatures and need to be made a mystery of life, but that is a whoooole 'nother post. Stay tuned. You're excited, I know.

Don't Let Me Down

While I'm usually iffy about remakes, I saw the previews for this movie and it looked pretty darned funny. Chris Rock, Tracey Morgan, Martin Lawrence and my white boy crush James Mardsen. All good. Comes out next week. Whooooo's coming with?? Don't all rush at once.

The Friday Night Files

Last Friday was my not so little brother's bday and seeing as he would rather be seen wearing an Ed Hardy shirt than step foot into a club we decided to kick it old school and throw him a little house party. Don't fret my pets, just because I didn't go out doesn't mean no Friday "Only Melissa" mishaps occured. While nothing proved to be extremely epic, good times were had by all. Anywho, here goes.

The Quesadillas:

For some reason, Quesadillas make people happy and for some reason everyone was shocked that I was making them. When I pulled that pan and Pam out people acted as if I had just told them I thought guidos were hot. Contrary to popular belief, I can cook people. Jeez. Plus, putting a tortilla on a pan and melting cheese on top of it really doesnt require Rachel Ray skills. Not gonna lie, they were mighty good. Moral of this story: dont judge a book by its cover. Just because I flinch whenever I chip a nail doesnt mean I dont know how to use a stove. And yes I do remember to turn it off afterwards. Hardy har har.

The P-tron:

Oh the P liquid. This is a magic liquid that causes people to speak truths they would never speak, stumble,fumble,ramble and a bunch of other -bles as well as give super human strengths to the weakest of the bunch (more on that in a few). Whoever invented this needs to go straight to hell.(See ya down there and save me a shot) Moral of this story: be careful where and who you drink this around kids. Preferrably do it around me so that I can be provided with entertaiment.

"You have this on your Ipod?"

Let's just cut to the chase. While my number one loves are hip-hop and faux-hop ( ie ring tone rap and gravy doused jams), I do have other things on my Ipod besides these. The people in attendance all know me pretty much since the pre-contacts days and still seem to be shocked at the things that come out of that magical little contraption. Guess I am one big fooler. Moral of the story: Boy George rules. That's all.

Last but not least:

The Refrigerator

While this moment didnt seem like a big deal to me, it proved quite epic for those who witnessed it. One eye-witness stated " I walked into the kitchen and everyone looked as if they had just seem some paranormal ish". Another: " I was in awe as how someone so little could move something so big". Basically, I dropped my phone (what else is new), parts went flying everywhere and my vodka goggles convinced me that I had seen the battery fall under the refrigerator. I first attempted to move the fridge myself and those who know me, know that I have zero upper arm strength (let's just hope I never have to hang onto something for dear life) so I failed. I then looked over at an anonymous young lad (who later was discovered to be a friend of my brother's) to help me move it. Kid acted as if I had just asked him to help me rob the local bodega. Since anonymous chicken boy did not want to help me, and I wanted my battery something sort of force came over me and bam went the fridge a few feet from the wall. Determination kids. That's all it takes.Turns out my battery was not under the fridge and one of my trusted pals had it in his hand the whole time and I guess just wanted to see what lengths I would go to save my phone. Moral of the story: In the words of a wise young poet: "If I want it imma get that should not be tooken light..." well, when it comes to my phone at least. Ah so sad.

Many of these moments were definitely "you had to be there" moments and if you were there ya know. Magic always happens in Club Ferman. Our doors shall re-open come summer. Thank you.

And you knoooow what I neeeeddddd....

What I need is to snap out of this funk that Ive been in. I have been letting things that I dont usually stress out over stress me out and it needs to be put to a halt. I know you kids are not liking it either. Sorry, sometimes even I need a day off. Maybe after I come back from my trips Ill be a brand new gal. Let's cross our fingers.

Come to me

If there was a time when I would most need to peace up outta this b*tch it would be now. Summer '10 you shall be good to me. My recent penny pinching will aid in this bliss as well. Pays to brown bag the lunch kids!

Way to not be a girl

In conversation with one of my boys the other day discussing relations with the opposite sex and just people in general, came out "I give you mad props for not being such a girl about shit" I said "Thanks? I think"

Explanation:

People think that I don't get annoyed at other girls or ever get my feelings hurt if something doesnt go right with a dude that I was digging. Jeez people, I do have feelings. How I express these feelings is a whole 'nother story. As I've mentioned I dont believe in going around on FB and Twitter ranting, airing things out or talking shit about people. Maybe its because I am a pretty private person or maybe its because, as we know, I've got pride seeping out of every pore in my body and don't like to show people that they've gotten to me or maybe its because many times I really dont give two effs about things unless its really something to stress about or maybe because I believe if there are people who are talking shit about you, being shady or have just done ya dirty, they really arent worth the time or effort it would take to let em have it.Real talk. (ah there goes my ghettoness)

Moral of this long ass conversation was: ladies let go , let flow. And for those dudes who act like chicks. You do the same. Please.

And shout out to big homie for the heart to heart. Awwwww. "yes homo"


PS This pic is proof that the "bitch please" face has been in effect since I was a young G back in Sunset Park. If those red tights and bows arent gangsta I do not know what is. I think I also have some sort of wing sauce on my face. Such a lady.

Just 'cause

I would just like to announce that I am in love with this t-shirt. Those of you who know me know that when I'm not in my going out clothes, I live in t-shirts. My new fav would be <--------this guy. Girl. Shirt. Whatever. That's all.

The Friday Night Files

Ah everyone's favorite day of the week. While nothing embarrassing happened to me this week (maybe the Let's Embarrass Melissa gods were on Spring Break) and things looked like they were going to be a snoozer, the evening did prove to be quite eventful. A lot of things were "you had to be there" moments, so for those who were there ya 'nahmsayin. For those who were not, use your imagination, thanks.
Here we go in almost chronoligical order.

"If I had to choose between all three of ya'll.."
Some man came up to my friend asking her lord know what. He looked a bit like Bernie Mac with glasses and a flat top. Hotness. He then starts to speak to all three of us letting us know that he was an agent and was here with his client, a model, and just wanted to let us know that. I'm sure my night would not have been complete if he had not given me that piece of information. He then tells us that we are all beautiful and if he had to choose between us he would not know what to do with himself. He can go home and thank Jesus that we made the decision quite easy for him. He came to check on us through out the night which made my night a lot better. Sike.

"On to the next one"
Some of us know that this is ma jam. I'm there singing along, doing my two-step when all of a sudden some guy who was rockin out dancing around like that UPS guy from Mad TV puts his face about an inch from mine singing along as well. My face must have spoken a thousand words because my homegirl turns to me and says "that looked painful". Hey, I'm all about the singing along to HOV, but please do it a little bit not in my face, especially if you've got Corona breath.

"Youre gonna regret this"

Some dude starts talking to my homegirl and her face screamed pure agony, so I went over to try and diffuse the situation. He kept talking didnt notice I was there, which maybe I shouldve been thankful for. His friend comes over to me and tells me he wanted to talk to me but was waiting for his friend to annoy my friend a bit more and then he could make his move. This made absolutely no sense, but not gonna lie, I did laugh. Anonymous dude and I had a brief convo involving his being shocked of my ethincity, mine being shocked at his, his trying to figure out what famous person I looked like and my trying to remember what his name was. (For the record, I still dont remember and I was 95.98 percent sober at this point and would like to shout out Mr. Anonymous for being non-annoying and a cool dude. Sorry for not remembering your name.ah well) His friend was still annoying my friend, then started talking to me (yay) asked me a few questions then left. Praise the lord. I took this opportunity to excuse myself and "go to the bathroom". While I thought my friend had followed, I was mistaken. I come back and see her talking to Mr.Anonymous and his ever so charming friend. They finally excused themselves and my homegirl let me know that Annoying San Annoying, asked for her number, she declined, leading him to tell her that she was going to regret not giving it to him because hes the shit and he never gets denied. For some reason, I really doubt that, but a boy can dream. I do want to thank him though for providing some entertainment.

"You dont have a boyfriend? something must be wrong with you"

This dude comes up and starts chatting up my homegirls and me lord knows what we were talking about but he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no. He asked why. I said I dunno. He asked if I was okay with that. I said yes. He again asked why. I said I dunno man. His reply "You dont have a boyfriend? Something must be wrong with you." I didnt take offense to this and actually thought it was pretty funny, but didnt show it. Instead he got the BBM Straight Face. He did get some points for telling me that he liked my outfit. Nice save. Kinda.

"You ever f*kd with a n*gga from down south"

Why sweet baby Jesus, why? This really has no story to it except for that this dude came up to me and asked me if I wanted to dance with him, I said no I'm okay thanks,he then asked if I've ever effed with a n*gga from down south before. He got the famous Melissa "can you please get away from me face" with a side of "um no". He asked if I wanted to try I did the "pretending to text in an awkward situation" thing which gave him the hint to leave. I saw him talking to about 9 other girls and did leave wondering if any of those girls had accepted his invite to fk with a n*gga from down south. Odds are if they did, they were probably a bit under the infuence.

"You have nice hair"

No story to this either but I would like to shout out to the dude who told me this. No nonsense chit chat just gave the compliment, a salute and bounced. He made me thankful that I spent all that money on my new curling iron and conditioner.

And last but not least:

"Bitch, were going out!"

Ah , I cant really explain this one but shout out to Diana and her amazing "Melissa you just need to..." chats. This was a def "you had to be there" moment and one that has had me laughing all weekend. If anyone wants a demonstration of this conversation I will gladly take .45 seconds of my day to show you. Ohhh Di, ya kill me lol

I would like to thank Friday for providing quite the entertainment on most nights. I do go out other nights and things are always happening, but this particular day for some strange reason always provides the most blog material. I will try to figure out this mystery and let you kids know. Im sure your lives will all be complete.

"My left is......"

Not much to say except that, I went out Friday night. That should be enough intro to this post. Here we go:

Friday night I braved the elements, said eff it, and went out for some Melissa shoulder shaking and refreshing beverages. We all know where all this magic took place, so no need to say.

The beginning:
As soon as I walk into the place, sliiiipppp and near death ass bust. Seriously, those floors are deadly, especially when its raining out. Maybe ill be nice and buy them a mop to prevent such incidents.

Right after the beginning:

I think I mustve hit my homegirls drink with my phone and hand about 4 times after we left the bar and went to sit down. I felt something was coming. And it did. I moved back in my seat and spiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllll, vodka/cranberry all over the place. Wouldn't have been too bad, except for the fact that it spilled all over this dudes's coat and when he picked up he did not look too happy. In my defense, this is why coat checks were invented, to protect you from such incidents. I shouldve told him the story of how once someone puked on my coat and I had to walk from 10th avenue to 7th avenue in 10 degree weather in a dress and no coat on. Maybe he wouldve felt better. Prob not, but wouldnt have hurt.

The middle:

For some reason there was this dude who felt the need to be all up in my convo with my homegirl every time he passed by. He got the "cute, but weird" award of the night. At one point he may as well have been sitting in between us and contributing to the convo. Nosey-Rosie.
Then there were a bunch of people doing some kind of rain dance next to us and they smelled so bad I was about to go get my scarf and pull a ninja. People, please practice good hygiene and do the world a favor. If anything, Ill do you a favor and give you my 40 off discount at Rickys. Please.

Almost time to go:

As I was coming back from the bathroom, this dude standing near it goes "Shawty so nice, I dont mean polite, yeah you." Not gonna lie, that was kinda funny and he gets a B for effort.

The end:
The end I can not speak of because it is between my homegirl, me and the elevator guy. That's all.

I have come to the conclusion that a Friday night would really not be complete without some sort of Melissa r'tard moment happening. I know, I always say that, but this time I truly believe it. While I complain, it really does provide entertainment not just for you guys, but for myself. Ah well.

It was all a dream

I had a dream last night that I grew a pair of balls. Not literally, but you know. If you dont know I really do not have the time or patience to explain such terms to you. Ahh I'm so kind.
The point of all this is: ahahahahha, maannnnn that was a funny dream.

Hi, my name is Melissa and I dont listen

There have been few things that have been making me go hmmm these past few weeks and Ive been asking a few people their opinions which all fall on deaf ears. Those deaf ears being mine.
Those who know me, know me, know that I'm not one to talk about things unless theyve really gotten me to the wteffin eff point. I talk, I ask advice and do I take it? Hardly ever. Why, I'm not sure. Maybe because the advice people give me is to do and say things that are completely out of character for me. Oooor maybe its because I am one stubborn ass mofo. I'm betting on both.
So I'd just like to say thanks kids to those of you who listen and waste your breath on me. Love ya long time. Savor that right there because those who know me also know I rarely ever express my emotions. Tootles.

It's confirmed like a Don King perm

Yep. Melissa is invading Italy. The fam and myself are off to celebrate my momma's 50th bday in the land of gelato. I'm sure I will have lots of interesting stories for you kids. R'tard moments are regular for me here, imagine in a different country? Stay tuned sonny sonn sonnssss.

Just keepin it real son, sons, kids, whatever

Last week I posted a Tweet on girls bashing dudes and how I am against it and quite the backlash from some of my fellow females. No hate mail, just "oh please you would do the same". I think its pretty safe to say, I would not.
I find it extremely pointless to go on angry tirades on how dudes are this and that and how they should all die or get attacked by a cheetah, reason being ya just look dumb and immature. Do I think that there are dudes out there who are this and that and should get attacked by cheetahs? Of course. Well, maybe not attacked by a cheetah, but I do believe and have come accross some d-bags in life. I just think that by a girl Tweeting or posting FB statuses regarding a dude, it really does not help a situation and frankly, no one cares.
I am big believer numero uno in being the bigger person and not posting all my bidness on these social sites so maybe this is why I think all this is just nonsense.
It sucks to be burned by a dude,believe me, I know. But do like the man HOV says and on to the next one. Ah such a scholar that man is.

Miss Movie Phone gives it aaaa.......

Finally. I've been anticipating this movie's arrival for quite some time and was extremely excited to go see it. Ive loved the cartoon version for-ever and even read the book. Yep, I read. (PS for those of you who dont know, the book was really about a girl on Acid. Yep, fun fact for ya)
While it wasnt GREAT, i'd have to say, in my opinion, it was pretty good. If youre not a fan of the Disney version and don't really know the story, it may not be as good for you. My boy Johnny Depp and my girl Anne Hathaway did their things and there were some funny parts in it. While it got a bit corny towards the end, if youre an Alice in Wonderland fan like myself i'd say go see it. If you do see it, and dont like it, dont kill the messenger, thanks.

Here we go again

Here go the Friday night chronicles again. You missed it, I know.
Friday night started out all honky dory (I heard that in a movie once and have always wanted to use it. I'm not quite sure why). However, we all know my Friday nights would not be complete unless an "only Melissa" event occured.
So, I was driving on the Van Wyck and all of a sudden my car started making like Thomas the Engine and slowly chugging its way down the middle lane. I recall saying out loud "greeeat juust effin great". The car ended up shutting off, leaving me stranded in the middle of the Van Wyck about 15 minutes from my house. Ah so close. Suprisingly, I remained quite calm,called my brother and told him what happened in which the reply I got was "omg you're such a retard".Ah sibling love. While I thought it was the battery that died, turned out the gas tank was empty. (Before you give me an "omg duh,in my defense the needle was not below E so how was I supposed to know). I sat there waiting while people honked at me like animals. What they wanted me to do, I'm not sure. Trust me people, if I had Superman strength and was able to pick up my car and move it over, I wouldve. Longer story short, my brother came, gas was put in the car, I went home and basically did a nose dive onto my bed.
While this situation did merit a FML, I learned a few valuable lessons:

1)Always put gas in your car. I thought I knew this already, but guess not.
2)Always pee before you leave somewhere. I thought I knew this also, but guess not. I must say tho, if there was an award for pee holding, ya girl here would win gold.
3)Be grateful to have siblings. While my brother is a pain in my ass sometimes, I am thankful to have someone to call at all hours of the night to help a girl out. Aww. Barf.
And last but not least
4) Never rub your eyes while wearing black eyeshadow. I got home looking like a lost cast member of the Incredibles. If anyone noticed this and didn't tell me. Dead.

PS seeing as how the weather is getting warmer, the "old" Melissa will be resurfacing and I'm sure there will be plenty o' more stories like this to come. Yay for you.
PPS I would also like to give a shout out to the girl in the picture above. Talk about not being able to hang. Someone should also tell her that she needs to invest in underwear. Thanks, bye.

Negative Nancy party of one

Negative Nancy, Debbie Downer, bla bla, yes Ive been called it. Ever since I was a little baby child I have never been one to get super excited over things until they happen. Some may call it negative, I call it being realistic. In my mind the less you get excited over something,the less dissapointed you'll be if it doesn't happen and who likes dissapointment? Once things do occur, do get excited and know it and really wanna show it? Hell yeah. Those who have witnessed my being excited about something know its quite entertaining.
Do I rain on people's parades when they get prematurely excited? ( I know, that sounds funny. shush)No. So please don't rain on mine when I want to live in my Negative Nancy moment. Thaaaanks.

Soooooooo....

Those of you who know me, know me, know that I rarely ever get excited about things until they are set in stone. (Blog on this to come) but there is a very high chance that I am...going to Italy bitch! Ciao, tutto bene, dove poso comprare il biglietti di treno and all that good ish.
More details to follow, if it happens. There goes my Negative Nanciness.

It's not you, it's me

I was observing myself and wondering why it is that I find humor in so many things that I should not find humor in, such as the misfortunes of others. By misfortunes I mean people falling, slamming into things, being just plain wierd, etc. The answer to this would be : you would do it to me too. Yep, that's my justification.

Those who know me and have spent time with me know that I am one clumsy ass mofo and have awkward and embarrassing things happen to me all the time and everyone laughs, soooo what-ever. Some may call me mean, but I just call those people boring. I would also like to add, if I was this nice, sweet girl, life would just be no fun now would it?

Yo momma

In conversation with two of my homegirls these past few days it has been brought to light that I am stubborn, impatient, chicken shit and oblivious. Aint gon' lie, I am all these things. I can't help it people, this is just how God made me. Deal with it. That's really all I wanted to say. Smooches.